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“I think that a soft, sexy sensual scent isn’t what people are going to expect from me” – Pitbull
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|_| |_|25.02.15 ISSUE 774
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* Freudian analysis of Kanye
* Comedians in the dark ages
* Charts: Lukas Graham is no 1
>> Ross Kemp on bangs <<
Are you gonna gang doe?
What is it about Ross Kemp that makes such sexy TV viewing?
Adam Johnson this week claimed the discussion he had with his team-mates that lead him to google the phrase “legal age of consent” followed a viewing of his show. “It was a Ross Kemp documentary on gangs where he goes all over the world to see how bad it is,” he told the court. “It was the fourth series.”
This isn’t the only time the show has got people thinking sexy thoughts. After he split up with Rebekah, Ross Kemp himself used it as part of his seduction technique.
He would invite a lucky lady home and tell her to get settled while he got a DVD… only to emerge with a preview screener of the first three episodes of the then-forthcoming series – Ross Kemp On Gangs.
On the American sex offenders register there are seven Adam Johnsons and one Tony Blackburn.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
A British solo star and sought-after producer were making sweet music together until signs of a massive falling out erupted on social media. What happened? The producer misread the signs and tried it on with the singer, who flipped his lid and stormed out.
The Guardian still continues to out-Guardian itself. This week: “A snapshot of Lagos in six hashtags”.
>> Receipts and deceits <<
Michael Gove’s monster lunch
Everyone looking to Michael Gove for answers as to how Britain’s economy might fare on Brexit should probably be aware of his own interesting approach to accounting.
Back in his journalism days, Gove was once summoned by his boss for a little chat about expenses. The boss was curious to know if Gove had perhaps dated a claim incorrectly, as one of the receipts he had submitted was for lunch with Ken Clarke.
The reason Gove’s boss found it so curious was that he himself had had lunch with Ken Clarke that day.
A rather sticky situation. But Gove, without pausing, simply replied, “The greedy bastard… two lunches!”
It’s illegal to buy a bottle of wine after 10pm in Sydney.
>> Latent registration <<
Freudian analysis of Kayne
Did you know that, over the span of his career, Kanye West’s lyrics have almost perfectly mirrored the sort of developmental trajectory you’d expect of an anally-fixated personality type, as suggested by Sigmund Freud in his infamous theory of psychosexual development?
No? Well, it’s true. He has clearly defined oral, anal, phallic and latent stages – and we’ve mapped it all out for you.
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For more of the same in-depth pop culture analysis, Issue 22 of Popbitch Magazine is out for tablets and smartphones TODAY. Featuring presidential primary parody porn, Lady Gaga music theory and the return of the Appletons. Get a free month with a new monthly subscription…
iPhone/iPad: http://bit.ly/1bexc8Y
Android: http://bit.ly/1vvdK7H
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>> Sky’s the limit <<
16,000 to be precise
Anti-Murdoch Hacked Off leader Steve Coogan must be pleased he took all his TV shows (even The Trip) to Murdoch’s Sky TV. The brand new Alan Partridge series Mid Morning Matters debuted on Sky Atlantic this week. It got 16,000 viewers.
Mind you, it does seem that no-one’s really watching Sky Atlantic at all. Girls and the much-touted Vinyl have both tanked. There’s a lot of people rather desperate for April and Game Of Thrones to come round and pull them out of this slump.
Because it really doesn’t do much for all your channel’s super-hip branding if your biggest show is actually Tom Selleck in Blue Bloods.
Sky One’s transatlantic plans aren’t going that well either. You, Me & The Apocalypse is bombing on NBC with only 2.6m viewers.
>> Offline Vine <<
Comedians in the dark ages
In Celebrity Luddite news, we’re told that comedian Tim Vine makes Andi Peters look like Bicentennial Man in comparison.
Not only does Tim not own a smartphone (he texts his tweets in to Twitter – at the price of 10p a tweet) he doesn’t own a computer. At all. He makes do with the one at the library.
And if you ever want to send him a script, his agent will print it out and post it on to him.
Know any other celebrities still languishing in the dark ages? Email hello@popbitch.com
Apologies to Andi Peters. We said last week he uses a Nokia 3210. He actually uses a Nokia 6310i – a 2002 model with WAP capabilities.
>> The heats are on <<
Britain chooses Eurovision
Voting on Europe is suddenly all the rage. For the first time in years BBC are giving the chance to UK viewers to choose something better than Bonnie Tyler, Engelbert or Electro Velvet. So how do the options stack up? Well, better than much of the last few years for sure. We dusted off our Eurovision dossier.
Remember – what usually wins Eurovision is a song in D minor, sung in English, with no key change, which isn’t 128bpm.
So that immediately rules out pretty much the whole shortlist. Except for Bianca and Shine A Little Light. Which fits the template pretty spot on. Go Bianca!
FYI: Follow @popbitch for live commentary throughout the UK Eurovision selection on Friday.
Jeb Bush used to hand out small toy turtles to children he met on the campaign trail.
>> Jam today <<
Thick cut, Madam?
We’re hoping the recently released Smith Report is based on at least some actual evidence as we noticed it quotes the “Marmalade Story”.
For anyone who hasn’t heard it, it’s an old tale about Jimmy Savile in his caravan on a BBC location shoot. Supposedly Savile was inside with a young girl, with a member of production crew standing guard outside.
An old lady came by and asked to see him, but was told he was out (even though the van was rocking from all the action going on inside). So the old lady handed over a present for Jimmy – a jar of marmalade or jam, “For all the good work he did for young people”.
Maybe Dame Janet has also heard the one about Una Stubbs and the glass coffee table? Or Richard Gere and the gerbil?
Old Old Jokes Home
Q: What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?
A: You can’t marmalade your cock up someone’s ass.
>> Magic man <<
The great Paul Daniels
Paul Daniels is surprisingly popular in the entertainment industry. One producer recalls a time Daniels was booked for a 240-seat theatre show at short notice, without much promotion. Only 11 people turned up.
Rather than flounce off in a huff, he and Debbie delivered a full two-hour show – and then donated the entire fee to a local charity, plus a little bit extra to cover the cost of holding the event.
FYI: We have a further good Paul Daniels story in the latest issue of Popbitch Magazine…
http://bit.ly/1TGTH1G
Ronan Keating is keenly pushing for a Westlife/Boyzone supergroup tour. Presumably unrelated: his new solo album sold 203 copies in its debut week in Ireland.
>> Colourblind <<
June’s car trouble
We got a very interesting attempt to guess last week’s blind item about a UKIP-supporting celeb who once sent a limo back because the driver was “the wrong colour.”
Just in case there was any confusion, we can confirm it wasn’t June Sarpong. June isn’t a UKIP supporter (she’s incredibly pro-EU) and, as far as we know, she doesn’t mind what colour her chauffeurs are.
However, we are told that June did once send a car back to her PR handlers because the car itself wasn’t the right colour. She had wanted one that matched her outfit…
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>> Hmmms <<
UKIP, Corbyn, Trump
Mandy Boylett – UKIP’s old karaoke candidate – has done a Brexit remix of Three Lions:
http://bit.ly/1TGQQFV
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Thanks to: bobbifleckmann, LR, C, bestnameshavegone, humphrey_plugg, danceswithmustelids,gentlemanthug, fayekorgazm, pauline, PD, SJ
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Old Jokes Home:
Q: What do you do if you are attacked by a circus mob?
A: Go for the juggler.
Still Bored?
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Email: info@5x15stories.com
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