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The Power of Film & Moving Image: A One Day Symposium, Thu 9th Feb, London, W1. Come and see some of Britain’s leading thinkers and speakers, inc. the fascinating Michael Gunton (producer of Planet Earth) and loads of other well-known names and faces. 10% discount with code “Popbitch” here: http://bit.ly/2jCvopU
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“If I was on Twitter, I would be fucked. Fucked. Five minutes.” – Martin Freeman
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_ 19.01.17 ISSUE 815
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* Patrick Moore’s happy ending
* The golden boy of Downing St
* Charts: Ed Sheeran is No. 1
>> Swagger’s delight <<
Andre the bagsnatcher
We joked about Peter Andre’s East Grinstead coffee shop closing last week, but he may actually have hit upon some really hard times.
Just before Christmas, Peter went to see Disney On Ice at the O2, where he was spotted snaffling not one, not two, but eight goodie bags from the VIP reception.
Pete, if you need to borrow a few quid: hello@popbitch.com
It’s the 20th anniversary of Brian Harvey’s career-ending comments on ecstasy. (20th anniversary of the Baked Potato Incident will be 2025)
>> Book squirm <<
Gove’s got a new friend
Since he was sacked from the Cabinet, Michael Gove has had a lot more time on his hands. As his new writing gig at the Times only requires eight hours work a week (for a handsome annual salary of 150K), he’s finally been able to catch up on some reading.
Gove has got two biographies on the go at the moment.
One is on Wagner – Hitler’s favourite composer.
The other is on Donald Trump.
FYI: Little tip, Mike. Journalists normally research their subject *before* the big interview. Makes for a more interesting article.
Gove’s Times salary is impressive, but the MP who commands the highest hourly rate for his ‘journalism’? Simon Danczuk gets about GBP700p/h.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking?
Which former men’s magazine cover star had a bit of an interest in astronomy and The Sky at Night, so leapt at the chance to meet its elderly presenter, Sir Patrick Moore? The girl in question hit it off so well with the monocled old stargazer that all the talk of Andromeda, Hubble and Orion’s Belt soon led to Sir Patrick unbuckling his own belt – and receiving a relaxing blowjob from the young fan.
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Gossip, trivia and the filthiest arts and crafts tasks in London – the Popbitch Popquiz returns to Smiths Of Smithfield on 8th Feb. Ltd tables left, 5GBP per person: http://bit.ly/2jbWG3m
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>> Golden boy <<
Rainman to the rescue!
Downing Street may not need to rely on Farage to strike up a good relationship with Donald Trump. Westminster insiders think they might already have someone who’ll be able to bond with the President: Theresa May’s chief of staff, Nick Timothy.
Why?
His secret nickname at Tory HQ is Rainman. And it’s not because he’s good at maths.
George Washington spent 7% of his Presidential salary on booze.
>> Brain drain <<
Supermarket Schweep
Germany manager Joachim Low’s nickname for World Cup winner Bastian Schweinsteiger was “The Brain”, supposedly because he was the mastermind behind all of Germany’s best plays.
But as Jose Mourinho helps him into semi-retirement at Man U, there’s not much for The Brain to do these days except to shop with his wife, ex-tennis star, Ana Ivanovic.
Residents of Hale village often see them in the local supermarket. While Ana shops, The Brain likes to amuse himself by whizzing around the aisles like a child, pushing himself around with his feet up on the wheels of the trolley.
Something tells us the nickname isn’t really going to catch on.
Sky Sports viewing figures for the Premier League down 25% since 2010.
>> Casting ouch <<
Snatch, Crackle and flop
The TV version of Guy Ritchie’s film Snatch is just wrapping up filming in Manchester and we’re pleased to report that the whole shoot was entirely professional, pleasant and harmonious.
Just kidding.
Here’s a Facebook status from one of the cast:
“A producer on the job I’m working on is a total and utter CUNT! Rude, bitchy vitriolic and ungracious CUNT…. Forgive me, I left the CUNT bit out of the middle.”
Coming to Crackle in April, folks!
Justin Bieber’s Sorry was the 10th biggest song in the UK in 2015. And still popular enough to be the 16th biggest in 2016.
>> Museum peace <<
Frying pan/fire for Tris
You’d think fans of dusty old relics would be supportive of the current Labour party, but Tristram Hunt’s appointment as director of the V&A has pissed off a ton of people in the museum business.
In all the talk about Hunt quitting because Corbyn’s Labour party doesn’t want him, no-one has asked whether he’s going to get a warmer welcome at the V&A. Staff are up in arms about how Hunt got the job with zero museum experience. The V&A has always been seen as the pinnacle of a career, a position taken after years running other museums, but now it’s been given to someone as their first job.
George HW Bush hospitalised in Houston. Clever way to get out of attending Trump’s inauguration.
>> Where are they now? <<
A turnip for the books
Football grounds across Britain were showing their (belated) appreciation last weekend for the integrity of ex-England boss, Graham Taylor.
It’s interesting to note what happened to Brian Alexander, the Sun’s Sports Editor who oversaw the whole “Swedes 2, Turnips 1” story.
He went on to be the media adviser to… Sepp Blatter.
Clay Aiken tweeted that Joe Biden should be worried about losing his Secret Service minders this week because “if I ever meet him, I might hug him and never let go”. Awww.
>> The mating dance <<
Flatley’s failed overture
Over Christmas we unearthed an old Popbitch server with a load of emails from 2002 on it. We didn’t think we’d get much of a chance to revisit any of the unused stories on there. Then Michael Flatley said he’s going to dance for the inauguration.
anon writes:
“A very glamorous friend of mine was in the Met Bar a few years back and Michael Flatley sent one of his henchmen over to ask if she would like a drink. She politely declined.
“The henchmen returned minutes later to try and re-persuade her but, again, she declined.
“After a few minutes, the exasperated henchmen turned to her and said in tones of outrage ‘But he is the Lord of the Dance!'”
Props to whoever has redirected the URL colossalbellend.com to Michael Flatley’s website.
>> Money talks <<
Where there’s a will…
Ever since his death, lots of stories about George Michael’s secret kindness and generosity have been coming to light. It’s thought that much of his money and royalties have been left to deserving causes like Terrence
Higgins, Childline and assorted homeless charities.
In fact, the only blot on his copybook was in 2012 when it was revealed that he invested six million quid in the now-infamous Liberty film tax avoidance scheme.
Many of the stars caught up in that scheme blamed it on investment advice from their accountant, Stephen Marks.
As Marks is the executor of George’s will, let’s hope that it was a one off…
Nominative Determinism of the Week: Ticketfly’s lawyer… Jeremy Liegl!
>> Beyond the fringe <<
The unpaid workers’ party
A political events company, The World Transformed, emailed around London media types this week offering some new jobs.
They describe themselves as a “Momentum spin off… the ones behind the Momentum fringe festival at the Labour Party Conference”.
They’re looking to hire a videographer, a designer, a writer/editor and a web developer, and they are encouraging “female, BAME and LGBTQ+ applications” for the 10-hours-per-week roles.
And how much are they going to pay the black genderfluid content creators who apply?
Absolutely nothing.
Power to the people.
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Media Masters podcast with Michael Hodges, editor-at-large of the Radio Times, former exec ed at Time Out, and writer of Slice Of Life column: http://bit.ly/2iVPJ8Z
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>> Hmmms <<
Bo, Magnum, CaveWatch
Eurovision season has begun as Sasha Bognibov (the man from Moldova behind I Love The Girls Of 13 Years Old) releases his entry for 2017:
http://bit.ly/2k4nOkJ
All Star by Smash Mouth, with every note retuned to C:
http://bit.ly/2jwLsJV
The Tube map, redesigned with each station’s most used Instagram tag:
http://bit.ly/2j8MHvs
Seeing as that Cilla statue made the news this week:
http://bit.ly/1h49pnl
Want a pair of Trump protest pants? On Kickstarter now:
http://kck.st/2jCq1XL
Bo and Sunny get their final run around the White House:
http://bit.ly/2jCnKvr
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Thanks to: AM, PRT, O, CMH, monstris, JF, EN, BD, posh_duckhunter, EC, deep_stoat, ulysses
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Old Jokes Home:
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles.
My next shit could spell disaster.
Still Bored?
Last week’s joke turns out to be wrong. It seems people do pay a lot to have lentils on their face:
http://bit.ly/2k3OodC
