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“I tried to register on Twitter. Guess who’d already registered my name? Perez Hilton!” – Alexis Arquette
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|_|22.12.16 MEMORIAL SPECIAL
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* A final farewell to those we lost
* Fond memories of Koc and Arcelik
* Charts: Clean Bandit = Xmas No.1
>> 2016: RIP <<
Grim reapings we bring
Congratulations! If you’re reading this, then you made it through 2016: an absolute banner year for death and
destruction.
We aren’t in the business of being overly sentimental here at Popbitch, but we thought we’d see the year out with a few tributes to those we have lost.
We’ll be back in 2017.
Hopefully.
pb x
RIP David Gest. Someone who worked with David told us that his head “smelled of dry-cleaning fluid”.
>> Alan Rickman: RIP <<
The cold hand(job) of Death
Back in the day, Mick Jagger was having a fling with a society beauty. One night they were out at a dinner party but she felt Jagger was not paying her the attention she deserved.
Deciding she’d try to provoke his interest, she deliberately turned away and only talked to the person on her other side. Still no response.
There was, she felt, only one thing for it. So she reached behind her back and started to give him a surreptitious handjob. This time, his interest definitely swelled.
Feeling pleased with herself, the socialite turned back round. Sitting in that seat was another man. Bored with being ignored, Jagger had changed places. She discovered she’d actually been wanking off Alan Rickman.
RIP: Colonel Abrams. Whose real
name was… Colonel Abrams.
>> Jimmy Young: RIP <<
The DJ’s hearing aides
Late into his career at Radio 2, Jimmy Young had become quite deaf from years of working in the music industry. Most people knew, but not everyone. One junior member of the show’s team got a little frustrated with the old DJ one day and, in the safety of the soundproofed control room, told his colleagues what he thought of Young.
Suddenly the studio talkback burst into life with the words “I am not a fucking cunt”.
Jimmy Young was an expert lip reader. The junior left his job the same day.
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>> David Bowie: RIP <<
It’s all greek to us
He had a dozen different and distinctive looks, but David Bowie knew how to avoid being recognised if he ever fancied a bit of privacy.
When he wanted to walk around a big city without detection, he would simply tuck a Greek language newspaper under his arm as he walked around – so anyone who stopped to say hello would see it and second guess themselves, thinking they’d maybe just seen a Greek man who looked a lot like Bowie.
RIP Pete Burns, writer of the single greatest sign-off we ever received on a legal threat: “Worst wishes, you cunts. Pete Burns”
>> Howard Marks: RIP <<
Celebrity toilet tales
At an old Stereophonics party, Stuart Cable was stopped by a bouncer from using one of the cubicles because the toilet’s flush was bust.
Stuart shouted out that he used to be a plumber, so rolled up his sleeves, got down on the floor and fiddled about in the cistern until it was fixed. His only problem was a wooden part that he couldn’t fit back on.
Enter drug legend (and former carpenter) Howard Marks – who promptly sorted the wood out, leaving the toilet in perfect working order.
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Buy Christmas Lunch for five pounds! With your help someone homeless can tuck into a big turkey dinner with all the trimmings, in the warmth of Connection at St Martin’s. Donate: http://bit.ly/1RzNjYd
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>> Paul Daniels: RIP <<
The King of Hearts
Paul Daniels was surprisingly popular in the entertainment industry. One producer recalls a time when Daniels was booked for a 240-seat theatre show at short notice, without much promotion. Only 11 people turned up.
Rather than flounce off in a huff, he and Debbie delivered a full two-hour show for the tiny audience – and then he donated the entire fee to a local charity, plus a little bit extra to cover the cost of holding the event.
If you fancy a slightly racier Paul Daniels story, we’ve got one of those for you too. Read it here: http://bit.ly/1Vfh0zo
>> Terry Wogan: RIP <<
Hair today, gone tomorrow
King of Sweden writes:
“A friend’s mother used to work with Terry Wogan at a bank before he became famous. His hair was thinning in those days and she was surprised to see him later on TV with a full head of hair. Turns out he had several hair-pieces of varying length to give the impression that it was his own hair at different stages of natural growth.”
FYI: The only piece of gossip we got on Wogan that was even slightly contentious is that the ladies in his village didn’t care for how he cut the queue at the local butcher at Xmas when picking up his turkey.
RIP: Keith Emerson and Greg Lake. Now Jim Davidson’s favourite band is just “Palmer”.
>> Prince: RIP <<
Little man, big appetite
One of the things to emerge in among the many heartfelt tributes proffered to Prince this year was that the Purple One had a voracious appetite for popcorn.
One reader told us about the time they attended a daytime screening of a movie in LA, where Prince and Prince’s bodyguard were the only other people in the theatre.
About fifteen minutes into the film, they heard a noise that sounded like “a pack of wolverines tearing into a binbag”. But it wasn’t. It was Prince, absolutely going to town on an extra large bucket of buttered popcorn.
An ex-manager of the Chanhassen Cinema in Prince’s hometown backed the story up, fondly remembering how Prince would often buy three buckets of popcorn for every movie that he went to see there; and Ingrid Chavez (a frequent collaborator with Prince) also reminisced about how he had taught her to mix bags of peanut M&Ms in with her buckets of popcorn.
RIP: Prince’s protege, Vanity (aka Denise Matthews). Her stage name was originally going to be Vagina; her band was going to be The Hookers.
>> Victoria Wood: RIP <<
A Vicky situation
For all her woman-of-the-people, salt-of-the-earth appeal, Victoria Wood was not without her diva-ish side.
She was once booked to perform for a big event run by the Evening Standard at a hotel in Harrogate, but she walked into the ballroom, took one look at the grand piano and said “No, I’m not playing that” before turning on her heel and walking out.
One helper, armed with the Yellow Pages, managed to find a replacement piano which matched Vic’s specifications – and it was owned by a couple who lived out in the Moors.
After much hairpulling and pleading, they managed to convince this couple to loan the hotel their piano for the evening, had it loaded into a van and brought into the venue for Ms Wood’s approval.
She re-entered the ballroom, took one look at the new piano, said “Now the stool doesn’t match!” and walked out again.
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The first Popbitch Popquiz of 2017 is on Weds 11th Jan at Smiths Of Smithfield. With gossip, trivia and the filthiest arts and crafts you’ll ever do, this is always a sell-out event, so book your team in now. For tickets/more info: http://bit.ly/2gPdFtt
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>> Alexis Arquette: RIP <<
Parental guidance
Alexis Arquette remembers the time, before her transition, when she broke the news to her father that she was gay.
His words of encouragement? “If it helps, son, I had to suck a lot of cock to get my first break too.”
RIP Maurice White. John Le Mesurier off of Dad’s Army was a massive fan of Earth, Wind and Fire.
>> Mustafa Koc: RIP <<
Memories of Koc Holdings
It wasn’t just celebrities who died in 2016. A longstanding Popbitch favourite – Turkish businessman, Mustafa Koc – also passed on.
We followed the developments of his business (Koc Holdings) keenly. Especially when Koc partnered with a software company in Azerbaijan by the name of Giz – creating the company Giz Koc Holdings.
Koc Holdings also had a fabulously titled subsidiary company: Arcelik.
RIP Kenny Baker: C3PO actor Anthony Daniels refused to dress completely until Kenny was inside R2D2. Or, in his words: “The face doesn’t go on until the dwarf is in the can.”
>> Zsa Zsa Gabor: RIP <<
The Prince and the poppers
Of the nine husbands Zsa Zsa Gabor had, the most fun was her last one: “Prince” Frederic von Anhalt. Fred was actually called Hans, but he persuaded the dotty old Princess Marie-August of Anhalt to adopt him in his 30s, before changing his name to the more royal-sounding Frederic, and his surname to Prinz von Anhalt (which could more easily be mistaken for “Prince” von Anhalt…)
In 2007 he claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby, but as he was also suing the makers of Viagra at the same time, people didn’t take his claim too seriously.
That, and the fact that most days he could be found outside Starbucks, West Hollywood, in his Rolls Royce Silver Shadow, waving at the buff boys coming out of the Boystown gyms.
RIP Prince Buster. The ska pioneer converted to Islam after meeting Muhammad Ali in New York in 1964. He claimed this derailed his career.
>> Craig Gill: RIP <<
Keeping up the Smiths
We reported earlier this year that Craig Gill, the drummer from The Inspiral Carpets, gave musical bus tours of Manchester. His Morrissey and the Smiths tour in particular was extremely well-attended – probably due in no small part to this joke that Craig would tell on the trail:
“What does Morrissey have in his sandwiches?
“I don’t know, but Marr might!”
RIP Ronnie Corbett – Old Jokes Home: Kings Cross Station Announcer “Would the gentleman who has lost a case of whisky come to the Lost property office, where the gentleman who found it has been handed in.”
>> Glenn Frey: RIP <<
Peaceful easy feelings
When we searched the Popbitch vaults for a suitable tribute to Glenn Frey, the singer and co-founder of the Eagles, we came across this story and, well… we liked it more than anything he’d actually done.
tedbaker writes:
“I had a mate who studied to be a vet at the Royal College. Coming back after a night on the piss, we heard this terrible howling coming from some kennels. When I asked what was wrong my mate simply replied ‘It’s only the beagles. Their bollocks must be the size of melons, as they haven’t been wanked off for a while’.
“He explained that beagle spunk was used by the vet students for all types of experiments.”
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THE POPBITCH ANNUAL 2016: We’ve put together many more stories from the year for you in our 2016 annual. It’s mercifully light on death and big on good gossip, so download it for free on your phone here: http://bit.ly/PBAnnual2016
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>> Hmmms <<
Harvey, Peanuts, more death
Is East 17’s Stay Another Day truly a Christmas song? Here’s some theory on it:
http://bit.ly/2hfMGsK
If you fancy some newer Brian Harvey material, he’s done a song about phone-hacking:
http://bit.ly/2hbeU6h
Our four-part series on the state of the press at the end of a bruising year:
http://bit.ly/2gFympg
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Thanks to: SK, blessed_brian, LG, monstris and all the many hundreds of you who have sent us in stories over the year
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Old Jokes Home:
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Lemmy.
Lemmy who?
Ah, how soon we forget…
Still Bored?
La Soiree are throwing a NYE party in London. We’ve been to see their shows for years now, so we can only imagine what mischief they’ve got in store to say good riddance to 2016. For information/bookings: http://bit.ly/2i2kzKy
