The Shortest Knight

Soon-to-be-ex Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre took to the Spectator this week to warn his successor against reversing the paper’s support for Brexit.

Dacre had assumed he’d have a bit of a say in who was picked to follow in his footsteps, so was a little blindsided when it was announced that his Mail on Sunday Remoaner nemesis Geordie Grieg had got the gig.

Colleagues at the Mail say the most obvious sign of Dacre’s fury was that, on the day of the announcement last week, he stormed off home at 5pm. And he almost never leaves his desk before 9.30.

If you were anywhere near the internet last Friday, you’ll almost certainly have heard the big Beckham rumour that was all over social media.

It struck us as being pretty unlikely though as a very similar story did the rounds in early 2016, suggesting that Harper was having to change schools because David had had an affair with one of the teachers there and got them pregnant.

Of course, it’s possible that these two stories are one and the same. A two year pregnancy is perfectly plausible. If Harper had been taught by an African Bush Elephant. And David Beckham had shagged it.

Which Guardian columnist has more opinions on politics than she can manage to fit in her columns – so takes them to the bookies? She’s an unlikely regular with one high-street bookmaker, fluttering on the comings and goings of Westminster.

As the rest of the world catches up with what we were telling you about Sir Martin Sorrell’s rather racy expense account last month, here’s something else you may not know about the veteran exec.

Sir Martin’s nickname in the world of advertising was “21st June”. Why? Because 21st June is the longest day.

And he’s the shortest knight.

If you read the New York Magazine profile on Vice this week, you’ll know that they’re alleging the entire brand is built on a bluff. This won’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows the company’s history though. They’ve always had smart scams to help boost their numbers.

Back when it was still trying to make a name for itself in New York, Vice created a print edition of the magazine with a normal front cover and designed the back to look like an upside-down front cover of Maxim.

The plan was to stock the issue on newsstands back-to-front and upside-down to dupe punters into buying it thinking it was Maxim (which was selling two million copies every month at the time), stealing up a slice of their sales and then shopping that month’s receipts round to advertisers to show how popular their mag was.

If there’s a matchmaker working in the movie industry, maybe they’d like to set up Samantha Morton and Tom Hardy?

We mentioned a few months ago that Tom Hardy once got so deep into his role that he chose to soil himself mid-shoot rather than break character to go to the toilet.

Apparently he’s a man after Morton’s heart. On one set, she apparently didn’t like the outfit she was being made to wear. When wardrobe refused to change it, she forced their hand by responding “Well, now I’ve shat in it.”

Back in the 90s, Val Kilmer landed an audition to play a cyberpunk psycho villain in a movie. He really wanted to look the part for it, so he called to book in an appointment with a well-regarded LA hairstylist. The pair talked through the part and the stylist had a few ideas, telling Val he could easily make him look like a cyberpunk psycho (“As if you’d cut your hair yourself, with a knife.”)

The appointment was booked for Thursday at 8am, two hours before the audition.

Maybe he was nervous about cutting things a little fine but, on Wednesday afternoon, the salon’s phone rang again. It was Val, begging for help. He had tried to get the ball rolling ahead of their appointment to help the stylist out, but had made a horrible mistake – by cutting his hair himself. With a knife.

Needless to say, he didn’t get the part.

We’re often accused of speaking ill of the dead whenever a famous person dies (even though most of what we say in the aftermath is really just repeating something we said when they were alive).

After hearing reports that he is currently in pretty bad shape in hospital, we didn’t want to be accused of doing that with Britain’s favourite panto star/murderer Leslie Grantham. So we thought the only scrupulous thing to do was to direct your attention to this now.

We reviewed his book of children’s fiction, which is filled with so many Freudian slips about wanking it’s hard to believe it wasn’t intentional.

[Read ‘Lit Wank’ on Popbitch]

Usually the format for our nominative determinism bit is that we tell you their very specific job title, then reveal the weirdly apt name. This week though, we were told all about Bonnie Beaver – so we thought we’d let you guess what someone called Bonnie Beaver might do for a living.

If you guessed that she was the Executive Director and a founding member of the American College of Veterinary Behaviorists, then… congratulations! You’re right!
[See on GoodNewsForPets]

And if you’re one of the muckier types, and thought she might be a gynaecologist practicing in West Hills, California… congratulations! You’re right as well!
[See on USnews]

What does one do with the money you get from writing a book about the sitting prime minister shagging a dead pig’s mouth? We can’t speak for Lord Ashcroft, but word around Fleet Street is that Isabel Oakeshott put a bit of her pigfucking funds towards a particular cosmetic operation.

“So what?” you might think. “It’s her money, it’s her body, it’s her choice.” We completely agree.

We only mention it to say: if she hasn’t called her new tits Pinky and Perky, she’s really missed a trick.

A pizza box designed for eating pizza in bed
[See at Boston Pizza]

Spotted at the Stapleford Miniature Railway open weekend? Duff McKagan from Guns’n’Roses
[Read on Leicester Mercury]

Songs remixed to only have every second beat
[Hear on Spud Islander]

Is Vice really a giant bluff?
[Read on NYMag]

Name Dubai’s new baby otters
[Enter at Dubai Aquarium]

Fredrick Nietzche or Janelle Monae?
[Play on McSweeneys]

Brisbane local news of the week
[Not wholly SFW]

Who picks the films we get to see? Men, usually…
[Read on ScreenDaily]

Still Bored?
The musical theory that makes us love Three Lions
[Read on ShortList]