Willies In The West End

There’s been some grumbling from certain quarters that all the recent sex pest stories will put an end to “good natured banter” in the workplace – but it seems that some people still know how to be cheeky with their colleagues.

Alan Duncan invited some top Tories down to stay over at his big house in the countryside. One of them received a knock on the door early the next morning and opened it to see the honourable gentleman standing there holding a full breakfast tray, a rose between his teeth – and naked as the day he was born.

The guest laughingly thanked his host for the breakfast.

Then closed the door.

Harry and Meghan’s engagement on Monday was a source of great joy across the world, but in one small corner of central London it provoked a scene of huge tension.

The ITV Newsroom was not a happy place. Anchor Tom Bradby couldn’t quite contain his irritation that he wasn’t chosen to do the all-important interview with the happy couple. After all, he’s close mates with Harry’s brother William and has been the chosen vessel for all the Wills and Kate exclusives.

Sources say it wasn’t a calculated snub. The Palace just felt, firstly, that they should give this one to the BBC for a change; and secondly, that talking to a non-white, non-male interviewer (i.e. Mishal Husain) would be better “brand positioning” for the couple.

Ever the professional, Bradby recovered his composure quickly enough to write an arse-licky comment piece for the Evening Standard within 24 hours though – just to make sure everyone knew he still had the inside track.

Which TV presenter and 90s favourite has got himself in a little bit of trouble with the missus? It seems she’s got hold of his phone and has been texting the women he’s been propositioning “This is his wife… why don’t you fuck off you whore?”

The world of theatre is filled with many strange traditions, but this was a new one to us.

Over the last couple of weeks we’ve heard from multiple people that both Phillip Schofield and Aled Jones were known for trying to perform sections of Joseph And His Technicolor Dreamcoat with their willies out (only the bits where they were facing the back of the stage – sorry, cockwatchers).

Is this something all Josephs try to do? Jason Donovan? Donny Osmond? H from Steps? Can anyone shed any light on this? hello@popbitch.com

All those jobs he’s juggling are really starting to take a toll on George Osborne. He keeps forgetting his pass to get into Northcliffe House, home of the Evening Standard.

When it happened again this week, the security guard let him in through a side door but politely (yet firmly) asked him to please make the effort to remember his pass.

Could another Plebgate incident be brewing? Let’s hope not, as other journalists going in through the correct door have remarked that George has been “looking a little tired” of recent.

Katie Hopkins just can’t seem to catch a break this week. Shown the door at the MailOnline on Monday, the cause of an expensive apology on Tuesday, and then accidentally maligned in the House Of Commons on Wednesday.

When MPs Stephen Doughty and Yvette Cooper brought up the topic of Donald Trump retweeting a known far-right extremist who had been arrested, charged and convicted for hate crimes, it was news to John Bercow – who claimed he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on Twitter (and presumably hasn’t ever since his wife got kicked off the platform for calling people paedos).

It was news to the Clerk of the House too, who wearily mumbled on mic “It’s not Katie Hopkins again, is it?”

First there were allegations of Russian interference in the US elections. More recently there’s been talk about it influencing the Brexit vote. And now? Junior Eurovision.

The EBU trialled a new online voting system for Junior Eurovision this last weekend and – quelle surprise! – it was a total fucking disaster. Within seconds of announcing that the voting was open the entire system crashed, leaving many people completely unable to vote. And the votes they did manage to tally handed the win to… Russia!

Obviously a conspiracy theory is now doing the rounds. The claim is that Russia paid to get the jury vote leaked, lined up their click farms to hammer the public vote and then organised a massive DNS attack to sink the site and secure the result. Then they shifted the blame on to the visibly inept EBU (which, well… yeah).

The plan is to bring this same system in for the main Eurovision competition 2018. Let’s hope they do. We can all make a fortune betting on Moscow 2019.

AM writes:

“Your piece about Def Leppard’s roadies reminded me of a story an ex-girlfriend told me. In her younger (and much less worldly) days, she went to an Iron Maiden concert with a friend, who managed to get them backstage. She ended up with Steve Harris.

“When it became obvious that she had no clue about how these things usually went, Harris didn’t push matters. Instead, he called for a taxi, gave her fifty dollars for the fare, and saw her on her way. Quite the gentleman!”

The KLF staged a little ‘happening’ in Dalston last week to get a bit of press for their latest audiobook, but despite getting 99 people to set off a ton of smoke grenades in Gillett Square it appears to have had absolutely no coverage.

That might change if the footage of the performers popping into the nearby McDonald’s ever gets out. One of the McDonald’s security people seemed to take particular objection to one of the party, grabbing them by the throat and slamming them up against a wall with their arm behind their back, shouting “Don’t disrespect the brand! Don’t disrespect the brand!”

It wasn’t part of the performance.

On a BBC drama a few years ago, Charles Dance took a shine to the make-up assistant – who was extremely charming, but about 30 years younger than him.

At the end of his shoot, Dance approached the make-up trailer with a signed 10×8 of himself, which he offered up saying that he thought she might like it.

She took it with delight, exclaiming “How lovely!”

Before following that up with a “My mum will be delighted with this!”

Exit a somewhat chastened Charlie.

Art + Alexa Chung = Artlexa Chung
[View on Instagram]

People dressing their dogs like coke bottles
[Read on Kotaku]

Cutest porcupine ever
[See on Twitter]

The guy who did the half-hour Fastlove remix has done a 25 minute mix of Last Christmas
[Listen at Shortlist]

Local news of the week
[Read on Daily Echo]

Coolest Airbnb?
[See at Kansas City]

Becker vs Fagan – Steely Dan’s legal feud explained
[Read at Newsweek]

Unusually named jewellery store
[Peruse Hairy Growler]

Last minute party to plan? Our friends at Planet of The Grapes, in central London, can host your private party on Saturdays or Sundays right up ’til Xmas. Email matt@planetofthegrapes.co.uk (also good if you just want to buy some wine!)