Lines Of Enquiry

The media has spent so much of 2016 trying to predict which of our beloved celebrities are going to die next that we collectively took our eye off a much more important ball. Namely: which celebrity marriage was going to break up next.

Marriages in the public eye rarely last very long, but there was a feeling that Brangelina was something of an exception. Given the obstacles they’ve faced, everyone assumed they’d been through enough to be able to go the full distance. Everyone except for the National Enquirer, that is. They had this whole bloody sham pegged from the start.

And now that we’re revisiting the evidence, we can’t believe we didn’t spot it sooner…

Fights

Nobody expects married life to be all sunshine and roses (especially not for temperamental souls like actors), but the National Enquirer obviously spotted what we all missed right from the off. Just three months after they tied the knot, the Enquirer was there with reports that Angelina was getting so mad with Brad that she’d throw punches, knock him out, leave him covered bruises and scrapes.

But what on earth could possibly have been causing such strife?

Cheating

Rumours have always circulated about whether or not Brad and Angelina got together during the filming of Mr And Mrs Smith, while Pitt was still married to Jennifer Aniston. During this divorce news, speculation has also been floated about Pitt having had some sort of affair with Marion Cotillard (which Cotillard has strenuously denied). So allegations of infidelity are nothing new here.

But if only we’d listened to the National Enquirer!

 

They’ve known that this was in the pipeline for ages – and both of them were at it too! Brad with his bisexual hook-ups; Brad still being in love with his ex-fiancé Jill Schoelen; Angie falling for a Brad lookalike on the set; Angie partying with hunks while Brad is out of town.

It’s a wonder they managed to find any time to be face to face for all these fistfights, what with the amount of extramarital dalliances they were trying to juggle.

Walkouts

If they were so unhappy all this time though, how did they keep such a united front? Why did they keep such a united front?

 

SURPRISE! They didn’t!

Brand and Angelina were walking out on one another constantly – and only the National Enquirer was the newspaper clever enough to know anything about it. Brad walked out! Angie walked out! Both of them walked out! For most of 2015 the Enquirer couldn’t shout it loud enough.

The marriage was over. Why it took Brad and Angie so long to realise that, we don’t know. The National Enquirer knew them much better than they knew themselves.

Health Scares

With the amount of tumult and turmoil in their relationship, it’s no small miracle that Brad and Angelina even made it out alive. Especially Angelina, who came in for some real scrutiny from whoever has been acting as the National Enquirer‘s Medical Editor.

Stories about her impending death were published with clockwork regularity – blaming, on rotation: suicide attempts, cancer, anorexia, exhaustion, surgery, electrolyte imbalance, cardiac arrhythmia and blood poisoning from having got a tattoo.

 

The poor writers at the Enquirer must be worried sick at what the stress of a divorce is going to do to her.

Of course, divorce is always tremendously sad – and props to the National Enquirer for managing to treat the topic with such sensitivity and empathy – but if something good can come out of all of this, it’s this: we now know for sure that the Enquirer possesses incredible clairvoyant powers. So who should be sitting up next and taking note of what they’re saying?

 

It’s unbelievable – truly unbelievable – that Cher has died so often these last two years and so few people have noticed. We really all need to start paying better attention to the news.