************************************
Get some of the tastiest CRAFT BEERS delivered straight to your desk or door. Flavourly have given us a brilliant deal for you – 12GBP off a beer box so its 8 craft beers for 8GBP! (Plus two free beer snacks) What have you got to lose by trying it? Sign up by end Sunday for this offer:
http://bit.ly/1Ilg0T2
************************************
“The biggest problem we have is not ebola, it’s not AIDS, it’s electro smog” – Noel Edmonds
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| ‘_ \ / _ \| ‘_ \| ‘_ \| | __/ __| ‘_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_|06.08.15 ISSUE 749
Free email every week
Subscribe http://eepurl.com/XSZoP
Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* Cilla Black Memorial Special
* One Direction love triangle
* Charts: 1D are No. 1
>> Oh My, Sharif! <<
Playing safe with Ted Heath
Funny thing, timing. It was eight years ago this week that Popbitch prophet, Rev_Goatboy, died. By sheer coincidence, this was one of his all-time favourite conspiracy theories:
Robert Maxwell managed to build up his dodgy businesses in the thanks, in part, to a manila envelope he kept in his safe. In that envelope? A black and white photo of Ted Heath going at it… with Omar Sharif.
The tale goes that the last thing Captain Bob did before his final voyage was have his PA dispose of the envelope, as his political insurance policy would not be needed any more.
FYI: Ted Heath was the bottom. FYI2: Surely this is more fitting gossip about the private life of an ex-PM.
More multilingual swearing: the Welsh for ‘dickhead’ is ‘cocoen’, literally in English ‘lamb’s cock’.
>> Family jewels <<
Diamonds are a boy’s bellend
Maybe you saw Lenny Kravitz’s penis this week, when his trousers split on stage? If you did, you’ll have no doubt noticed that Lenny has got himself some downstairs decorations.
His penis is pierced with a gold hoop that is inset with a diamond. A diamond that was taken from a pair of his
mum’s old earrings.
Cockwatching with Popbitch: Shane MacGowan’s penis is supposedly nine inches when erect (though who knows when that last happened…)
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Rumours are going around that which high-profile TV presenter is bearing the brunt of her entertainment industry exec’s nasty temper and controlling ways? As we know he reads this, he should be aware that there’s a lot of people watching to see what happens…
************************************
Flavourly have knocked 12GBP off their fantastic Food Boxes – try the best gourmet snacks from independent British producers only FIVE POUNDS for your first box. 5GBP for 12-15 items! (12GBP off, usually 17GBP) Sign up by Sunday for this offer: http://bit.ly/1NalEbQ
************************************
>> Inzayn <<
Wrong direction
We’ve been getting emails for a while from someone who says they know the “real story” of One Direction.
This is what they said was going to happen.
* Zayn would leave the band
* Zayn would stay solo on Sony
* Zayn would dump his Little Mix fiancee when her band’s next single was successful (it’s currently no. 1)
They’re three out of three at the moment – but there was one other claim:
* Zayn didn’t leave the band because of Perrie, drugs or stress. It’s because of Liam and Zayn. Who hope to live together in Zayn’s Surrey mansion.
Curious and curiouser, eh?
Kim Kardashian doesn’t like the taste of coffee.
>> Father figures <<
A new force in football
As the football season starts this Saturday, we mark out one agency as looking set for great things – Doyen Global, which has David Beckham’s long-time publicist Simon Oliviera at the helm.
Doyen do seem to have identified a rather brilliant wheeze to get players on their books: their dads. Calum Chambers signed for them this summer, a few weeks after his stepdad got a job with Doyen, joining other players famously repped by their fathers like Neymar and Adnan Januzaj. Pretty clever.
So clever, in fact, that some of the more established agents are getting snarky. You can expect whispers about the shadowy Kazakhstani business billions said to be behind the firm to grow louder as the season goes on.
FYI: Last chance to join the Popbitch Fantasy Football League: Code 769225-189856
http://fantasy.premierleague.com
************************************
Excellent win-win offer from Coral – ANY goal to be scored in Premier League before 5pm Saturday: 6-1! Sign up and bet 5GBP (winnings paid as free bets and 20GBP free bet if you lose):
http://bit.ly/1DsTRDz
************************************
>> No deal <<
Bye bye, banker!
GOOD NEWS: It looks like the agonisingly over-stretched guessing game Deal Or No Deal is not going to be re-commissioned.
BAD NEWS: They’ve filmed so many episodes already (this year’s Christmas special is already in the can) that Noel Edmonds’ bearded arse of a Bee Gee impersonating face is going to be on our TVs until 2016 at least.
************************************
CILLA BLACK: IN MEMORIAM
************************************
>> Blind hate <<
A rather fishy tale
You may have wondered – what with all the glowing tributes to have poured in this week – how someone so loved by her celebrity peers could get so little telly work in her later years.
One reason for it seems to be that someone high up at ITV blackballed each and every attempt Cilla made to get back on screen. Why? Because the exec in question started out as a runner. On Blind Date.
One early task was to fetch Cilla some salmon sandwiches for her and some guests. The runner got the nicest smoked salmon sarnies they could find. But all they got for their efforts was a bollocking from Cilla in front of her guests as she only liked tinned salmon, not smoked.
Cilla had a collection of about 300 champagne flutes – all of which she pilfered from various green rooms whenever she made TV appearances.
>> Brotherly love <<
…but not for Cilla
You may not have heard of the Patton Brothers, but they are the Chuckle Brothers’ brothers – the other double act to emerge from that generation of the Chuckle family.
Someone who’s done a fair bit of work with the Patton Brothers says they’re consummate pros: hard-working, mild-mannered, and couldn’t be more pleased for their other brothers’ success. They also refuse to tell tales or say anything snide about anyone they’ve ever worked with.
Except for Cilla Black, that is – who they described simply as being “a cunt”.
Cilla appeared in panto in 2008 back in Liverpool. She loved her old town so much that she had a condition in her contract that rehearsals were to be held in London.
>> Bad altitude <<
Turning the air blue
Cilla’s in-flight attitude was the stuff of legend, and cabin crew all over the world have been sharing their memories of serving Cilla in first class.
She would always demand to sit in seat 1A, and would never talk to a flight attendant, issuing her many orders solely through her PA.
One flight attendant grew so tired of her behaviour that he leaned over to speak to her directly and uttered the immortal line: “I knew you couldn’t sing, but I didn’t know you couldn’t fucking speak”.
More from the Confessions Of A Trolley Dolly Facebook group:
http://on.fb.me/1DpKODB
Some years ago when Paul McCartney experimented with a wig and some facial “work” he got a new nickname from his crew: “Cilla Black”.
************************************
MEMORIAM ENDS: RIP CILLA
************************************
>> Trigger warning <<
Making a Joly nuisance
Things are not looking promising for the new series of Trigger Happy TV.
Dom Joly was pestering people in a coffee shop in Hove last month, dressed in a ‘disguise’ (a t-shirt with the slogan Local Celebrity on it). He accosted two customers and accused them of trying to take his picture. When they denied it, he launched into full “Do you know who I am?” mode. When the coffee shop’s owner got involved Joly stormed out.
Sixty seconds later, a runner came in to announce that it was all just a big joke and gave them all release forms to sign, so that the footage could be used on the show.
They refused, and made it clear how annoyed they were at having their morning business meeting ruined.
Not only did the Saudi King get a St Tropez beach closed for personal use, he had female police officers there removed from security duty.
>> Cool cats <<
Remembering Cushing and Lee
JH writes:
“In the early 90s I worked for Hammer Films and was asked to organise a voiceover recording for a Hammer Films documentary. Both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee had agreed to work together one last time. Christopher Lee had asked me to organise one thing: a television and a VHS player in a private room and to have some alone time with Peter.
“After the recording, I cleared the studio and left Peter and Christopher alone with the TV. They hadn’t noticed that I was still at the mixing desk so I waited to see what they were going to be watching. I saw Count Dooku and Grand Moff Tarkin sat watching Looney Tunes cartoons – each doing perfect impersonations of Sylvester the Cat and Tweety Pie – all line perfect!
“I can’t remember exactly – but I think Christopher Lee was Tweety Pie and Peter Cushing was Sylvester.”
How the Brisbane Times headlined their report of a world-defining 70th anniversary event today: “What the Hiroshima bomb would have done to Brisbane”.
>> Hearts and mines <<
Microsoft lessons in gaming
Further to discovering that Windows 10 had dropped the game of Hearts, this week we learned the reason that Microsoft introduced games into the earliest versions of Windows.
Solitaire was added as a way for users to learn the basic functions of a mouse: click, double-click, drag and drop. Minesweeper would teach right-clicking, Hearts was added to show off the networking capabilities, and Freecell ran a test to see if certain hardware was running properly.
Microsoft never intended for the games to stick around, but every time they tried to get rid of them, testers would lose their shit and Microsoft would reluctantly add them back.
Geri Horner (nee Halliwell) has re-signed with Outside Organisation, the PR team that handled Spice Girls back in their heyday.
>> Hmmms <<
Jacksons, PR, Funk
We’d guess this old chestnut is back on the front pages:
http://bit.ly/1hl44bh
Tune of the Summer! SIGALA. Samples the Jackson 5’s ABC so brilliantly Tito turned up in the studio to cheer on:
http://bit.ly/1DsUKfw
Talking of the Jacksons, we went to the Isle of Man to meet them and watch them perform. Weird:
http://bit.ly/1KSzPC4
What happens when you sign off emails to PRs with ‘I love you’:
http://bit.ly/1OSW9MO
Uptown Funk, as sung by the movies. Genius:
http://bit.ly/1gcTFxh
Pete Waterman is the star of a new YouTube series about building model railways:
http://bit.ly/1MRCIoY
“Ever the sartorialist, Dave presents the Capital Breakfast Show in a three-piece suit every morning…” Dave Berry’s Wikipedia page is remarkable:
http://bit.ly/1g8RY3T
************************************
Thanks to: SG, kerching, SS, DF, roger_mycock, warlord, cerealrapist, bobbi fleckmann, bumpyknuckles, ALL, PD, D
************************************
Old Jokes’ Home:
What with Bobbi Kristina Brown and Cilla Black dying this week, Pink is starting to shit herself.
Still Bored?
A live map monitoring people swearing in reaction to the tube strike:
http://tubestrike.impero.wtf/