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POPBITCH SUMMER QUIZ Tues, 7 July At lovely Smiths of Spitalfields Market, ground floor cafe-bar. No gossip expertise needed to win! Tickets: 5GBP. Buy in advance here and we’ll reserve you a table:
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“I am trying to find an anti-Viagra pill because my girlfriend keeps saying, ‘Why is it that you want it every day?'” – David Hasselhoff
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|_| |_|18.06.15 ISSUE 743
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* Paul Danan’s Dick
* Tipping the velvet
* Charts: Jason Derulo still No. 1
>> Dairy Queen <<
How to make Perry roar
Katy Perry might have kissed a girl and liked it but when it comes to the sex she seems to prefer boys.
And what does Katy like to say to her conquests to get them in the mood?
“I want your milk deep.”
65% of viewers of the BBC CBeebies’ Clangers reboot were adults.
>> X-rated <<
Nick’s Grimble mag
Media reports of Nick Grimshaw’s induction on to the X Factor judging panel have concentrated on him being the best connected man in London, knowing everyone from Kate Moss to Harry Styles.
But one fact that seems to be missing from both Grimmy’s official biography and his Wikipedia entry is how he started his media career at the Sunday Sport.
Frankest description of new X Factor judge Rita Ora we’ve heard: “Looks like she smells of dried spunk”.
>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week?
Which tax efficient comedian is performing at a wedding this weekend – trousering a 20 grand fee for the gig? (Heads up, HMRC…)
An addendum to last week’s Dr Who story. We neglected to mention that Patrick Troughton was also in full costume at the time.
>> Motherfucking Kent <<
Danan’s bringing the noise
It may only be June but our Christmas has already been made.
The Britannia Theatre in Kent has just announced its panto cast. Starring in their Dick Whittington this year will be Derek Griffiths, Tina from S Club and Paul “Make Some Motherfucking Noise, Preston!” Danan.
Finally! Everyone will get a chance to see Danan’s Dick.
If tickets for Chatham sell out too fast – try Clacton. Scott from 5ive makes his panto debut.
>> Mum’s the word <<
Ellison dwarves Cruise
In Pinewood Studios’ canteen there are small photos of big stars like Christopher Walken and Tom Cruise dotted on the walls. Nothing strange about that, you might think. But their photos are dwarfed by a massive picture of… Jennifer Ellison.
It seems her mum used to run the canteen there.
Book launch of the year – Richard Desmond’s autobiography. Best bit? The author overheard calling staff at Claridges “cunts” to their faces.
>> Tipping the Velvet <<
A very strange selection
Did you see Eurovision and wonder how the hell the BBC chose that shockingly amateur electro-swing track? Well, a nice little rumour coming out of Vienna might explain it.
A couple of years back, Loreen absolutely walked the Swedish national heats (and eventually went on to win the contest). But the runner-up in that national final had a rather nifty stage gimmick. Danny Saucedo used a group of dancers who had neon strips all over their clothes, prancing about in the dark.
Sound familiar? A BBC source claims that their boss liked the staging so much he decided to nick it to use for a future UK entry.
So Electro Velvet and the song were picked to match some stage clothes. Not, as you might hope, the other way round.
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Book it like Beckham: 5 Star Marrakech break, 199GBP. If it’s good enough for Goldenballs 40th…?
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The Austerity Package: Cheshire hotel/dinner/breakfast is 69GBP for two!
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>> Floydian slip <<
Wish you weren’t here
Last weekend the tiny Irish village of Borris hosted the Festival Of Writing And Ideas: a more boutique version of Hay, where well-heeled poshos go to intimate talks with writers like Rosie Boycott, Ian MacEwan and Nick Davies.
Dave Gilmour from Pink Floyd was a star attraction, but sadly his “Audience With…” session didn’t go down so well.
A very famous author was even overheard grumbling about it. “He’s a perfectly nice bloke. Just a shame he’s clearly the most boring man on the planet.”
Cruise ship lovely Jane McDonald is rumoured to have been approached to play Norma Desmond in a West End revival of Sunset Boulevard.
>> Mili-stand <<
Ed loses his seat
LD writes
“Spotted Ed Miliband on the Northern Line tube at Kentish Town. A bunch of schoolkids got on in our carriage. Ed made the same terrified face everyone does in that situation but then gave up his seat for a small boy. The teachers looked thrilled.”
Everton’s Seamus Coleman is praised for planning a very un-celeb wedding (ie no magazine deal). He is flying The Script in to perform, however.
>> Star Trick <<
How TV is made pt 215
Guitar Star is a low-budget, specialist interest version of BGT on Sky Arts channel. After getting in Edith Bowman to host there wasn’t a huge amount of money left for the three “experts”: Huey Morgan, Helen Sanderson and Nitin Sawhney. So some deals were supposedly struck.
One expert got a professional makeover in Selfridges. Another gets to wear T-shirts made by a company they have an interest in. And the third? They were treated to Botox treatments and an introduction to a top plastic surgeon.
Viewers of Channel 4’s Frankel doc were surprised his jockey Tom Queally didn’t turn up. Apparently he’d asked for a six grand appearance fee.
>> Plus ca change <<
Chris loves top gear
Last time Chris Evans had the biggest radio show in the country and a huge TV deal he went off the rails.
Now he’s managed to work his way back to the same position is he older and wiser? We can only hope.
But the spectacle he served up in the Groucho Club on election night – hanging out with showbiz mates Holly Willoughby, Natalie Appleton and Hardeep Singh Kohli, swigging champagne straight out of the bottle – might
suggest things have changed less than you’d imagine.
Maroon 5’s Moves Like Jagger is the UK’s fifth best selling single of 21st century, despite never even getting to number one.
>> Hmmms <<
Hacks, Hulks, Saffy
We went to see Human Centipede III so you don’t have to. (Really, you don’t)
http://bit.ly/1BlxFtW
Best Linkedin profile ever? Christian (son of Roger) Moore:
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Want to help buy Rush’s old recording studio?
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How News of the World fucked over their journalists:
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Ab Fab’s Saffy has a stroppy teenage daughter – producers are casting now:
http://bit.ly/1ImeflQ
Car painted with heat sensitive paint hulks out:
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Fancy a Farage-style PFL? 58GBP for two in Piccadilly:
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Thanks: LD, DG, RJ, JS, Jonah, AM, SG, soapy_handerton, SL, S, J, CT, AM, D, NC, PJ, LD, LM, LH, monstris, SD, And – DH for pointing out it’s not “reccie”, it’s “recce”.
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Old Jokes Home:
I’ve burned my Hawaiian pizza.
I must use aloha heat.
Still Bored?
Fancy a bike round London visiting the homes of some of Britain’s best loved comedians? The Comedy School have set it up. Turn up, have fun and help a good cause too. Info:
http://bit.ly/1dM5lpq
