The Daily Tonic: Blow Patrol

A trailer for the rebooted series of Spitting Image was revealed this morning, but we’d use any old excuse to revisit this story from the show’s original run.

One year, Steve Coogan pulled up to the Spitting Image Christmas party in a brand new Ferrari – one he’d bought with all the money his new-found fame (and ad voiceovers) had brought him. Colleagues remarked that it must have cost him a fair old whack, but Steve told them it was no big deal as the car was “worth its weight in twat”.

There’s no better place for a celebrity to air their pettiest grievances, their weirdest beliefs or their maddest thoughts than their own autobiography. So today we want to hear about the most batshit celebrity memoirs you’ve read. A-List to Z, we want to know who went full throttle when telling their life story.

Today’s Question: Which is the most unwisely unfiltered celebrity autobiography to have been published – and which section should we dig out?

Send your reading suggestions to hello@popbitch.com and we’ll send a Popbitch goody bundle to our favourites in return.

As the new series of Bake Off started last night, it would be remiss of us not to retell the famous Noel Fielding lock-in story.

Back in his early hellraising days, Noel was turned over by the tabloids and coerced into giving a big “MY COCAINE SHAME!” tell-all interview in order to spare his promising TV career. He had to keep his partying a little more low profile after that – which he mainly did by turning up to private members’ clubs after hours for a late-night lock-in.

He arrived at one such Soho club in the wee small hours one weeknight when the owner had just racked up one of his infamous Yards Of Gak for a few select guests. In honour of the recent press intrusion he’d suffered, everyone there thought it was only right that Noel get the first sniff.

But Noel mistook the situation, thinking that the communal line was some sort of Man V Coke challenge – and tried to hoof the whole thing himself. He managed about a third of it before someone intervened.

DB writes:
“Myself and a friend of mine were drinking in the VIP section of Renards in Dublin. A small gentleman joined our company and I bought the next drink. My friend bought the one after. Drink was running low and there was no sign of the chap who was drinking vodka and cranberry juice replenishing supplies. So I bought the next round.

“After several more rounds, the small gentleman thanked us and fucked off.

“Bono is a cunt.”

S writes:
“In the early 90s, I worked on a Friday night TV chat show in Belfast. It was still hairy back then, but celebs could be coaxed over by big appearance fees and an overnight at the Europa. After the show on Friday nights, everyone piled over to the first-floor bar in the Europa, and the heroic staff there really did keep things going until it was last man standing.

“By far the best night I had was getting absolutely hammered with Suggs. We just clicked, and drank and talked all night. At some point, Suggs decided that he wanted me to have his T-shirt so, to much jeering, we pulled them off in the crowded bar and I swapped the piece of shit I was wearing for a top-end Rudeboy T-shirt which I still have to this day.

“Nearly 30 years on, I feel it’s time for Suggs to have his T-shirt back. If Popbitch could arrange the return I’d be eternally grateful. Just tell me where to post it. That man deserves his T-shirt back.”

If anyone can help us return the T-shirt to Suggs, let us know hello@popbitch.com

In keeping with the theme, today’s audio round is all about drinking. Each of the songs/artists are somehow connected to the theme, but what you need to determine for the twenty points are:

a/ The songs’ titles (1pt each x10)

b/ The artists that performed them (1pt each x10)

[Play it here]

Shooting Stars turns 25
[Some memories from Vic Reeves]

Someone asked a philosophy AI the Baboon v Badger question
[What’s their answer?]