“I need to catch up on my drinking” – Jennifer Lawrence
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|_| |_| 23.01.14 ISSUE 674
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* The Milky Bars are on T!
* Grunting at Beckham
* Charts: Clean Bandit will be new no 1
>> Horse play <<
That old chestnut
There was much amusement when it was revealed in court that in among the contents of the bag dumped by Charlie Brooks – alongside the laptop and all the lesbian porn – was a solitary conker.
It becomes even funnier when you know that the rumour going around London legal and media circles suggested that, if police were to check the laptop thoroughly, they might see that the chestnut is not the only thing of the horse variety on there.
One Eurovision rumour we’re hoping comes true… that Ben Westbeech (of Breach/ Jack fame) is considering the UK entry.
>> Courting disaster <<
Unfortunate Price to pay
Katie Price must be ruing the decision to take her ex husband, manager and friend to court over a privacy claim. We reported in November things weren’t going well. They’ve got worse.
She was recently papped coming out of her Mayfair lawyers, and you’ve got to commend the Pricey for being able to smile for the cameras, because her lawyers appear to have messed up big time for her.
Her claim looks like it will be thrown out of court, as witness statements weren’t exchanged (similar to the Andrew Mitchell case). So unless she applies to the court for a relief from sanctions (and is successful), that’s it.
The good news for her is there would be no court case to air the dirty laundry. The bad news: enormous legal bills to pay and a win for Peter Andre and Claire Powell.
We’ll keep you posted…
The BBC emailed metallers UKR this week to say they didn’t make the Eurovision shortlist. (Euro fans unlikely to get its Brit-centric references, apparently.)
>> Big Questions <<
Who is asking what this week
Which married Vegas music star with a new record out this year secretly prefers same sex love?
Clean Bandit, formed at Cambridge University, are on course to have the fastest selling single of the year so far this week, Rather Be.
>> Bad news <<
Kanye holds no currency
BBC News does research on what stories resonate well with viewers. The least closely followed story this month? The launch of the new virtual currency CoinyeCoin. Only 7% of adults had any interest in this story.
So is this bad news for Kanye? Or bad news for whoever at the BBC thinks these ridiculous non-stories are actually news? Our guess: probably both.
Shakira/Rihanna’s Can’t Remember To Forget You takes ska global. Who knew Ordinary Boys and Olly Murs were such trendsetters?
>> Acting out <<
Cara fluffs her lines
Poor Cara Delevingne. She’s going to find the transition from model to actor tricky enough as it is, without giving her critics any extra ammunition.
Something tells us that when she finally hits the silver screen, she’s going to wish she phrased this a little better:
“I get paranoid because I’m doing something – acting – that I want to do very badly.”
Tucked away in the New Year’s Honours: Amelia Fletcher (of Talulah Gosh and Heavenly) awarded an OBE for services to Competition and Consumer Economics.
>> Cops and robbers <<
Stealing shirts off their backs
“The new Met uniform for my team of 170 officers got delivered to the wrong station, so about 800 shirts and 400 trousers.
“You would think it’s a nice, safe place to keep uniform in. A secure, gated and guarded police station with about 40 officers. But no, a couple of officers take a van down there to collect it and find almost every piece has been stolen.
“We are going to look like a sack of poo poo for months now.”
Schoolfriends of Tristram Hunt MP say he used to tell them he had been a Milky Bar Kid. Anyone got any evidence?
>> O… is for opossum <<
Otters out, it’s marsupial time
We’ve got a new favourite animal: the opossum.
– Baby opossums are born the size of a honeybee.
– They are impervious to snake venom.
– Male opossums are ‘jacks’, female opossums are ‘jills’ and baby opossums are ‘joeys’.
Nom Dem of the week – Andy Murray’s physiotherapist is called… Mark Bender!
>> Poor sports <<
Energy firms take over
Barclays pay 40m GBP a year to sponsor the football Premier League. The rugby league Super League Europe is not quite on the same scale, but is still the second most-watched sport on Sky.
So is it getting a similar corporate money boost? Well, last sponsor, Eddie Stobart, didn’t seem to stump up anything much in the way of cash for naming rights – offering adverts on its trucks instead.
This week, energy firm First Utility was announced as the new sponsor. And how much are they paying? Well, neither the league or the company would say. First Utility in the end just stated it “it is a confidential fee which we will not be disclosing”. Which doesn’t sound altogether lucrative.
An overdue RIP to Ronald Reagan’s press secretary and father of modern-day nominative determinism… Larry Speakes.
>> Grunt work <<
How to talk to Derek
“At multinational Milan, Ancelotti learnt to coach players from everywhere. Once he had to brief his squad on a practical joke being prepared at the expense of newcomer Mathieu Flamini. “First you tell the Italians, in Italian,” he recalls, “then you tell the Brazilians, in pseudo-Italian. And then you tell Beckham, with grunts and gestures.”
Kabul police’s newest way to combat bombers – go around puncturing tires of cars left on the streets, so they can’t be stolen and used as car bombs.
>> Hmms <<
Best friends, bots, ponies
Captain and Tennille are getting a divorce – but if you want to remember the happier times, their website is like a portal back to 1997:
Rubberbandits have a new video out. It is, quite simply, terrifying:
Stardoll. Like Moshi Moshi Monsters but with added sexism and racial stereotyping. And no monsters:
Yay! Street Feast is coming back to Hawker House:
This is what happens when you organise academic conferences on DMT:
See first-hand what it’s like to have sex with yourself. Then never have sex again!
Barcelona – best at producing “Big 5” players:
CORRECTION: That spunk-covered cinema from last week was in Vancouver not San Fran. Thanks to all of you brave enough to come forward and let us know…
Perk up your slow trudge towards death with a bit of sketch comedy! Things by Rat at the Etcetera Theatre, 27th Jan. More info: http://we-are-rat.tumblr.com
Thanks to: mountstnobody, monstris, B, AA, ourmaninkabul, poplab, CV, IG, D, SG, O, thebestnameshavegone, darlene, ulysses
Old Jokes Home:
A blowfly goes into a bar’s toilets and asks “Is this my stool”?