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“I know how fucking stupid this makes me sound but I would rather watch back to back episodes of You’ve Been Framed than read Shakespeare” – Danny Dyer
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|_| |_| 14.03.13 ISSUE 633
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* Who’s Gaga been copying now?
* Liam Neeson and on and on
* Charts: Nicole Scherzinger is no 1
>> Black humour <<
The gentle racism of Crufts
A Popbitch reader was at the Crufts show at the Birmingham NEC last weekend. Walking around the kennels within half an hour they had been introduced to two dogs with shiny black coats.
One named “Lenny Henry”; the other “Eddie Murphy”.
They’ve just hailed a new pope in, which is quite ironic, because “Hailed Pope” is an anagram of paedophile.
>> Schindler’s pissed <<
Neeson and on and on
Lovely Liam Neeson is one of those actors most film journalists like – he’s warm, polite and doesn’t pull “I’m a star” rank… But his impressive love for fine red wine has given him an unfortunate habit of sometimes forgetting the stories he’s told. At a recent conference he told journos a sweet story about his son, only to repeat the exact same story ten minutes later, apparently unaware that everyone had just heard it.
His entourage might be wise to it though. His entrance on to the Graham Norton show was delayed by twenty minutes, perhaps to make sure there wasn’t time to get into any anecdote loop.
Popebitch: the new Pope has only got one lung.
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week
Which member of the Lib Dems was chatting on Grindr while in Brighton at the party conference last weekend? He was trying to remain discreet by not sending any face pics but blew his cover by whining on Twitter about the WiFi charges at his hotel. The same hotel that appears in the pics…
This week’s Danish lesson: The Danish word for ‘taxman’ literally translates as ‘tax daddy’. So paying your taxes in Denmark = “Giving your treasure to the skat daddy”.
>> Harried <<
When agents attack
Harry Redknapp’s rant that the story about the boozy QPR trip to Dubai was planted in the papers by an agent looking to destablise his club was portrayed as his way of deflecting blame from him and his team.
So how did the story reach the media? Well, the Mirror got it from a PR… who happens to work for Kia Joorabchian… who just happens to be the agent of Mark Hughes… who, of course, got sacked by QPR and was replaced by Harry Redknapp!
Steve Strange overheard on the phone on a train. His news: 1. He’s the voice of David Bowie at the V&A. 2. Is off to Turkey to “get his nodules sorted”.
>> Tits, fanny, English <<
When the Spanish go marching in
A chant heard at Malaga’s Champions League game yesterday (to the tune of When The Saints Go Marching In).
“Oh Malaga, is wonderful,
Oh Malaga is won-der-ful,
It’s full of tits, fanny and English,
Oh Malaga is won-der-ful”
This week’s Spanish lesson: the plural of ‘wife’ is the word for ‘handcuffs’.
>> Twat controller <<
3 is the tragic number
The new controller at BBC3, Zai Bennett, says he wants to be known as a risk-taker with the channel. Presumably it’s this daredevil attitude that has led him to give Nick Grimshaw a pilot comedy panel show called Sweat The Small Stuff.
Team-captains are Kiss FM’s Rickie and Melvin, and they will be discussing such groundbreaking topics such as “Can you de-friend your mum on Facebook?” and “Should you acknowledge a fart at work?”
FYI: Even the online BBC3 Show Generator comes up with fresher sounding shows than that…
Poor Roger Boyes. With any news from the Vatican, that article he wrote for the Times about sex abuse in a Vienna choir does the rounds. Even three years later.
>> Maybe Gaybe <<
Loudmouth Liam strikes again
Liam Gallagher walked into the Ivy Club toilets at the Warners NME awards after-party to find two blokes chatting to each other between a cubicle and urinal.
“What are you, a pair of queers?” asked Liam. He got so animated about it he carried on when he saw them back in the party, shouting that they should get a room, the pair of queers.
Maybe Liam doesn’t much care for the pink pound. Or maybe the dark mood he’s exhibited on recent drinking sprees have been caused by some other brooding matter.
Popbitch’s favourite sexual health consultant… Imperial College’s Dr Fidler.
>> Dragon force <<
Tommy’s top product
Channel 4 seem to enjoy their mash-up evenings, where celebs from one flagship C4 show appear as a host or a guest on another.
The BBC should get in on the act too – and here’s where they should start. We hear that Tommy Walsh off-of-Ground Force has an idea for a device that will allow berry pickers to extend their reach and nab fruits from the hardest-to-reach parts of bramble bushes. His pitch, which he freely tells to people he sees picking berries on Hackney Marshes, is apparently detailed and pretty convincing.
Get him on Dragon’s Den!
Melbourne Aquarium stipulates that, for health and safety reasons, non-English speakers cannot dive with sharks. (So Australian sharks are not multi-lingual?)
>> Re-rewind <<
Noughties London inspires Gaga
Lady Gaga – it’s time to pull your finger out. “Borrowing” Express Yourself from Madonna for a song is one thing but thieving ideas from Dan McMillan? OK, so he was once famous for dating Jade Jagger and Kate Moss (at, er, the same time) but just because he got over an injury by being wheeled around London in a gold-plated wheelchair, upholstered by Vuitton, a decade ago, doesn’t mean you have to copy!
This week’s supermarket spot: Jodie Marsh at the Gallow’s Corner Tesco, Romford, choosing Quorn products and chuckling to herself about Swedish meatballs.
>> Hmmms <<
Furbys, scrotums, paedos
Who knew kangaroo scrotums were so versatile? Or so popular?
Kim Noble has an exhibition on in Glasgow. We love him. We imagine we’ll love this:
Sounds like Yewtree officers have bagged more celeb paedos. Congratulations!
Club Kid James St James is turning his hand to interviews:
Thanks to: celtiagirl, deep_stoat, LMES, SM, MB, AP, SG, MS, Stevievegas, SM, C, AP, theabominablehoman, RN, DS, AM, Ycknows, bobbifleckmann, sboy
New Pope’s Old Jokes Home:
A young choirboy catches his priest spanking the monkey.
“What are you doing Father?” he asks.
“It’s called masturbating”, the priest replies, “And you’ll be doing this soon”.
“Why’s that father?”
“Because my wrist is killing me”.
Good news. The Eurovision might not be so boring after all. Thanks, Romania!