Health And Mittness

Two of the best talks in London this summer:

1/ Lovely Tim Harford (The Undercover Economist) 50 Things That Made The Modern Economy – Wed 5th July, 7pm

2/ MIT Profs Andrew McAfee and Eric Brynjolfsson‘s Harnessing Our Digital Future is THE business book of the year – Mon 10th July, 6:45pm

PS: Use code POPBITCH at check-out to get 10% off

“I’m the kind of guy that, when I see geese, I go ‘All right, geezers?’” – Liam Gallagher

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* Another involuntary election

* Geoff Boycott’s sticky wicket

* Charts: Despacito is No 1 again

>> Bars, key and Hutch <<

It’s good for what jails ya

Our commiserations to Gordon Ramsay’s father in law, Chris Hutcheson, who has just been sentenced to six months in prison for hacking Ramsay’s computer.We’ve enjoyed following Hutcheson’s career ever since he took a superinjunction out against us for trying to report that he had a secret second family he was keeping hidden from his daughter.
It’s been quite the cavalcade of fuck-ups ever since. First he was caught employing his secret lovechildren within the Ramsay company. Then it appeared he’d set up a million pound slush fund with company money to keep them in the life of luxury. Now he’s going to jail for hacking computers.
We’re sure the six months will fly by, but if you do get lonely, Chris – feel free to write. It’ll be nice to get a letter from you that doesn’t cost us thousands of pounds to reply to.

#dogsinpollingstations has become such a thing this year that presiding officers across the country are complaining about the amount of dog mess they’re having to clean up this morning.

>> Re-rights <<

Funny old business

Jimmy Carr has been hard at work trying to pay off his multi-million pound tax bill. Not only has he revived the old gameshow Your Face Or Mine, he is also midway through a huge Greatest Hits tour in which he’s retelling jokes from his previous shows.The Your Face Or Mine reboot is just a regular job, a quick cash-grab. The Greatest Hits tour though? That’s a much cleverer affair.
Maybe you wondered why Jimmy has a brand new Netflix special, yet Netflix hasn’t picked up any of his old stand-up shows? Well, it seems there’s some complications with the ownership rights to those original recordings.
If only he could figure out a way to go out on tour with all the individual jokes from those seven old shows, somehow get them re-recorded in front of a live audience, then patch them together into new versions of those hour-long specials – which he’d then be able to sell on to Netflix? He’d probably be able to pay off a massive chunk of his outstanding tax liability with those.
Shame there’s no real way to do it.

Matthew Parris says his llamas have been spitting on and kicking down his Vote Conservative posters.

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

Which London nightclub made its staff sign ‘death waivers’ this week in case of a terrorist attack?

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the One Love Manchester benefit concert is the most watched TV show of 2017 so far.

>> Where’s wallet? <<

Alan’s disappearing act

As former editor of the Guardian, Alan Rusbridger was probably best known for his spectacular talent for spunking away millions. However, we’re happy to report that he’s much more prudent with financial matters these days.He was seen holding court last Saturday lunchtime with half a dozen admiring acolytes at the (not-inexpensive) Cherwell Boathouse restaurant in sunny Oxfordshire. Witnesses will confirm that he put in quite a show with the dining and drinking – putting away a fair bit of the good stuff.
Then, at the conclusion of this sumptuous repast, Alan peeled off £25 in cash from his wad, arose and made himself scarce just before the bill arrived.
Suffice to say, £25 didn’t quite cover his share.

One BBC politics grandee is quietly predicting that the election scores are going to be exactly the same for the main three parties and this is all going to be a huge, frustrating waste of time for everyone.

>> Cheesey rider <<

Health and Mittness

Election campaigns are notoriously bad for people’s diets, thanks to all the service station fast food and the late-night takeaways. Mitt Romney had a rather unique solution to the problem when he was running for president in 2011/12.He’d insist on joining in with the team takeout pizzas – but he would carefully take off all of the cheese.

Clinically proven Slimpod helps you lose weight, even while asleep. No willpower required. Use promo code popbitch2017 to get 20% off any programme here: http://www.thinkingslimmer.com

>> Sticky wicket <<

Ball-by-ball commentary

Theresa May’s childhood pin-up was Geoffrey Boycott, so here’s a story that’s bound to get her a little weak and wobbly.On Ian Botham’s first tour abroad, Boycott was dropped halfway through the series. So Botham, feeling sorry for him, took a bottle of whisky up to Geoff’s room to commiserate.
On entering the room, he found Boycott absolutely stark bollock naked, apart from his pads.
He then made Botham sit on the bed, while he picked up his bat and practised his forward defensive – his tackle flopping out the whole while – saying to Beefy “Now tell me, what’s wrong with that stance? Nothing, that’s what.”

Batting together for Worcestershire at Hove this week? Tongue and Cox. (Sadly they didn’t last long at the crease)

>> Flutter madness <<

Things can only get bettor

Usually, election campaigns make very little difference to the vote share. Parties roughly end up getting what was forecast at the start of the campaign. This time round? Pollsters estimate the Conservatives have lost more than 50% of their 20+ point lead, and it seems like the final election result will hinge on where 2015’s UKIP voters go: abstain, Con or Lab.
As for the the betting markets? We got @LadPolitics in this week to talk to us about it.
1/ SEATS
Last week most money was coming in for “No Overall Majority”. This week has seen a swing back to the Tories. The average of bets taken at Ladbrokes point to a 70-80 Conservative majority.
2/ LIB DEMS
The Lib Dems have been cursed by an endorsement from Bob Geldof. If you bet on exact number of Lib Dems seats 6-9 seem to be the insider picks (and good odds at 12/1).
3/ TURNOUT
Election fatigue plus heavy rain forecast? Bet on turnout 60-65% (or under 60% if you’re feeling brave/rained on).
4/ PM ON JULY 1ST
Theresa May is 1/5 but +70% of all bets have been on Jeremy Corbyn (7/2). Activists trying to throw the market? Or genuine, unpolled voters?

Fancy putting your money where your mouth (or mind) is? Check out Ladbrokes’ Election markets here.

>> Next of spin <<

Campbell’s group

Alastair Campbell and Fiona Millar have campaigned tirelessly for equality in the school system as a way of promoting social mobility.It’s great that they’re such big supporters of kids being able to get on in life on their own merits – and it’s presumably nothing more than a massive coincidence that all three of their children have made such prominent strides in the media.
Calum’s writing for the Guardian, Grace is in the New European and Rory’s on Sky Sports News.

Vintage Gruesome Twosome: John Birt and Diane Abbott (back in her BBC days)

>> BUPA reel <<

In sickness and wealth

Channel 4’s top investigations show is about to do a big TV expose on BUPA.All great, you’d think. Should make for pretty explosive telly. Except C4’s big cheeses are now starting to worry, as they have just realised who the C4 staff health policy is with…
Ah, well. Fingers crossed no-one gets too sick!

Theresa’s husband Philip May chooses her handbags for her.

>> Who knows? <<

Pearl before swines

TP writes:
“Your story last week about Pearl Mackie being a diva was bollocks. At BBC Roath Lock I never saw her be anything less than entirely lovely, not in a polite reserved way, but actually talking to everyone like she was part of the crew and not the talent.”

This week’s Media Focus podcast – former BBC Editorial Director Roger Mosey. Listen here.

>> Hmmms <<

Munchkins, badgers, gun nuts

AA Gill’s Rolls Royce?All 102 minutes of the Wizard Of Oz, recut in alphabetical order
Nice little story about the recently deceased Bodger off of Bodger and Badger
Would you like your snapper acupunctured, sir?
Fancy a Hot Tug? Crowdfunding for a sailing hot tub in Regents Canal.
A book gift for Theresa May? Fast PR: How To Give Yourself A Huge Media Boost
Testicles – for your rifle
A Love London playlist
Last chance to book yourself a table for next week’s Popbitch Popquiz – Tuesday 13th June at Smiths of Smithfield.

Thanks to: ME, Yama, bobbifleckmann, A, AM, MM, TP

Old Jokes Home:

Q/ Why do men name their dicks?

A/ Because their mothers told them never to play with strangersStill Bored?

Houghton and Sunderland South have been first to declare six elections running. Help them count the ballots in this game.

Fancy Another?