The Biggest Question

We here at Popbitch try not to pass judgment on other people’s sexual proclivities. As Conservative minister after Conservative minister has been outed as having a clear sexual interest in pigs, we have been nothing but supportive.

As experimental sex shops introduce all sorts of fantastical, dystopian and cartoonish dildos into their ranges, we have always made a point of encouraging our readers to check them out.

Over the years we’ve introduced our audience to all sorts of outré sexual practices, including ice-docking, seagulling, dry-socketing and wolfbagging – but, we must confess, Bigfoot erotica was a new one on us.

We learned about it this week when a Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, was discovered to have drawn some extremely detailed anatomical sketches of the fictional creature Bigfoot.

Because of Instagram’s prudish terms and conditions, he wasn’t able to show the dangling dick of Bigfoot exactly as he’d have liked – but he made it quite clear in the comments that the censored sign was hiding something pretty spectacular.

This discovery has, understandably, caused a lot of conversation.

Yet in all the coverage it generated we couldn’t find a single person who had tried to answer the most pressing question that this whole thing poses. Specifically: What the hell is up with Bigfoot’s dick?

Seeing as no-one else is willing, or able, to figure it out, it falls to us. So join us as we crack out our rusty GCSE geometry in an attempt to get to the bottom of this thing.

Monkey Business

Though there has never been an official sighting of Bigfoot, folklore has commonly estimated the creature as being anywhere between six and ten feet tall. For the sake of simplicity, we’ll take a rough average and assume a height of eight feet so that we can start to get some answers.

As we can see from Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman’s drawing, this particular Bigfoot has a dick that, on the slack, reaches all the way down to his knee: approximately the same length as his femur.

The femur-to-full-body ratio is about 1:4 in humans, and about 2:9 in chimpanzees. That means that, at 8ft tall, we can reasonably assume Bigfoot’s flaccid penis just a touch shy of two feet long, somewhere close to 22.5 inches. (Or, if you prefer to imagine these things in metric, about 57cm).

Unless Bigfoot has a skinny pencil dick (which isn’t immediately apparent, judging from the width of that censored sign) then its girth is likely to be in rough proportion to its length. So how thick are we talking here?

The most comprehensive studies into humanoid physiology show that, in its relaxed state, the human penis has an average length of 3.61in and an average girth of 3.66in. When erect, those dimensions change, lengthening to 5.16in (a 43% increase) and widening to a circumference of 4.59in (+25%).

If we’re to apply those same proportions to Bigfoot, then its 22.5in flopper would have a resting circumference of about 23in. When aroused, the entire thing would swell to become 32.2in long and 28.5in around.

That’s about 2ft8in long.

Perhaps this is why Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, has chosen to create erotica in which Bigfoot’s member isn’t engorged. For not only is the prospect of a 32-inch cock enough to bring a tear to even the most experienced eye, such an almighty whopper would be so big as to (at least partially) obscure the Bigfoot’s face.

(And according to the book of Bigfoot erotica, Bigfoot Depravity by Robyn North, Bigfoot is described multiple times as having a “bloated bell-end”, which would only exacerbate this problem.)

Of course, now that we’ve flipped the censored sign up to cover his towering erection, another question presents itself: How big are Bigfoot’s balls?

Ball Games

Again, we’ll have to assume that Bigfoot works along the lines of human proportions more readily that he does a chimpanzee’s (and if you have a problem with that, blame Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman’s drawings – not us).

The average human male sports testicles that are 2cm x 3cm x 4cm. As they are ellipsoid shaped, not cuboid, we need to use the formula V = 4/3πabc (where a, b, c are radii) in order to get an accurate gauge of their volume.

That being so, each human testicle takes up about 12.6cm³ of space; and 25.2cm³ as a pair.

As the balls don’t swell to anything like the same degree as the penis in the event of an erection, it doesn’t really matter which state of arousal we use when matching them up so long as we’re consistent. However, for the sake of clarity, we’ll be using the various subjects’ stonk-ons with which to make our calculations.

An average human erection will displace roughly 141cm³, with the balls displacing a further 25cm³ – making the testicle-to-dick volume ratio roughly 2:11.

Our hypothetical Bigfoot erection will displace roughly 33,986cm3, so we can therefore expect the corresponding hypothetical balls to take up about 6,179cm3 of space.

Assuming human testicle shape, you’d expect each ball to shape up at 6.2cm x 9.3cm x 12.4cm – but dimensions like that seems as though they would have required some bulging at the top of the original censored sign to accommodate them.

As there wasn’t (and we defer to Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman’s greater understanding on these matters) we will have to assume that the only way Bigfoot could contain them within such constraints is that he has long, narrow balls.

We know what you’re thinking. “What sort of load would long, narrow balls like those manage to hold?”

Don’t worry. We’re way ahead of you.

Human balls, with their 25cm³ capacity, generally express an average of 3.5ml of semen between them per ejaculation.

Bigfoot, on the other hand – rocking his femur length dick and his big 6,179cm³ balls – would manage to pump out 809ml of the good stuff each go (about a pint and a half; a few gulps less than what Marc Almond supposedly got pumped out of him in the 80s).

Which is all very impressive – but it’s rather too easy to get distracted with all of this monster cock talk. Calculating the length, girth and capacity of Bigfoot’s dick might be a fun way to spend a few hours, but it’s really just a cover to keep us from asking the truly serious question this whole thing poses.

The Hard Of The Matter

If we were being sensible, what we’d be asking is why – given that it’s pretty easy to figure out just how big the fictional Bigfoot’s erection would be – did Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, chose to draw Bigfoot erotica depicting Bigfoot with his droop on? Wouldn’t it be more erotic to see him stiff, ready to ravage?

The sexual connoisseurs among you might argue that the best erotica always leaves something back for the imagination. Something to stimulate the mind as well as the crotch. It’s that sort of cerebral element that helps keep erotica distinct from pornography.

From the type of erotic images that he draws in his own private time, it’s entirely reasonable to deduce that the Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Rigglesman, isn’t that interested seeing in huge, beastly cocks squirting out thick ropes of ape jizz. He might not wish to consider the sort of catastrophic devastation that such cross-species mating rituals would inevitably involve.

Perhaps Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, feels that it’s best to just marvel at the majesty of its nature – as is.

Which is fair enough. Each to their own.

Most likely though, it’s probably because an expert like Riggleman will understand that a creature with a dong as monstrous as Bigfoot’s would have trouble sustaining a lasting erection.

The amount of blood that an erection of Bigfoot’s dimensions could hold would be about 67 pints – the blood of five full humans.

Obviously, there’d be a certain amount of penile and erectile tissue taking up at least some of that space. But even discounting the resting volume of his slack, docile penis (14,561cm3) and just considering the added volume of blood needed to engorge it to full tilt, we’re still looking at 19,425cm3. Nearly 39 pints.

And, yes. You’re right. It’s highly probable that an ape-like creature like Bigfoot would also have a baculum to add to the mix (a bone that runs through the dick of most primates to keep it up during mating). Without knowing the size of said bone, we can’t gauge the exact amount needed – but the point remains. Such a hefty weapon still would require a lot of blood for continued maintenance, likely more than an 8ft primate had to spare at any given moment.

So, in actual fact, Virginian Republican candidate for Congress, Denver Riggleman, ought to be commended for this drawing. It is far too easy to pander to Bigfoot fetishists in the race for high office. Drawing a huge, hulking willy that was fit to burst, would be an easy way to get his community onside, and lock up that voting bloc. But instead, he has shown some honorable restraint here, depicting Bigfoot with – at most – a lumbering semi.

However, whatever he earns in credibility for drawing realistic Bigfoot dicks, he instantly loses for canvassing alongside notorious white supremacist, Isaac Smith. May he absolutely fall flat on his face come November.

But Riggleman fans can take solace in this: if he doesn’t clinch a seat in the House, he will have more time on his hands. Not just to draw whopping great Bigfoot knobs, but to continue distilling his very particular brand of ape-based spirits and liquors too – at Silverback Distillery.