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Foo Fighters play Wembley Stadium on 19/20th June. Popbitch readers can enjoy some of the best views in the house from premium seats in the Bobby Moore section. Drinks-based hospitality packages available from £199pp (inc VAT). 0208 795 9540 for tickets, or:
http://bit.ly/1xykzlF
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“I am a champion eater. No carb is safe – no fat, either.” – Candice Bergen
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|_| |_| 26.03.15 ISSUE 731
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* More madcap fundamentalism
* What does the Fox do?
* Charts: Jess Glynne to be no 1
>> A new direction <<
Rapping up his career
So Zayn left One Direction saying he wants to take a break from the limelight and live the life of a normal 22 year old.
Odd then that he’s already been spotted in the studio working on a rap album with 50 Cent and supertrendy London hip-hoppers Krept and Konan.
That said, if he really does want some “private time out of the spotlight”, releasing a solo rap album is probably the best way of ensuring it.
Spotify saw a 1900% spike in streams of One Direction songs yesterday evening after Zayn’s announcement.
>> CD behaviour <<
What does the Fox do?
When faded reggae star Finley Quaye was arrested for assault a few years back, “Dr” Neil Fox was so outraged that he banned all of Quaye’s music from his radio show.
Not only that, but he also took the station’s copy of Quaye’s latest CD and wiped his cock all over it in a show of disgust.
Heaven only knows what kind of state Dr Fox’s personal CD collection is currently in.
Wayne and Coleen Rooney won the pub quiz in the Botanist, Wilmslow last week. They nailed the word search and donated their prize (a bottle of prosecco) to the runners up.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
The gossip in legal circles suggests that the costs involved in the Mirror’s hacking trial are already too high for Mirror Group to cover. If that’s true though, how – and why – would they be looking to buy the Express and/or Local World?
PS: Sorry if we gave you the wrong impression about last week’s Big Question… It wasn’t Kylie.
>> Boom and bust <<
More madcap fundamentalism
Last week in Kabul, two male suicide bombers set out to blow up a religious school.
For disguise they got dressed up in burqas and, to complete the outfit, they added pairs of high heels. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t practice walking in them. The first bomber fell over, detonated himself and took out the other one with him.
The school is still standing.
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>> Time wasting <<
Stephen goes surfing
Stephen Hawking was recently booked to be a guest speaker at an event at the Bodleian Library, Oxford. After
his speech, Stephen was approached by the bigwig in charge, who proceeded to proudly tell the professor about all of the important work they do.
The bigwig couldn’t see from where he was standing but, as he was talking, Hawking spent the whole time surfing Right Move on his little computer.
Guy Chambers has co-written Human Beings with hyped Scandi singer Karin Park. It failed to be voted in as Norway’s Eurovision entry.
>> Back-seat boy <<
Twats in transit, pt I
To many pop fans, it would be a dream come true to sit next to Nick from the Backstreet Boys on an aeroplane. But one reader who flew from Chicago to Miami with him has things to report:
* He ate pistachios nuts in “the most gross weird way ever” (He popped them in whole, then slurped the shells about before spitting them back in the bag.)
* He had one episode of Sons Of Anarchy on his MacBook which he kept starting to watch, then giving up, then looking at it again, watching it for a bit and then stopping.
* He spent the rest of the flight using the onboard WiFi to browse ancestry.com looking up some dude who he then started stalking on Twitter and Facebook for ages.
* He didn’t stow his carry on bag properly, used his phone on final approach, and was an armrest elbow hogger.
Guardian sources say writer David Conn is very unhappy at the paper for giving Kelvin McKenzie a column while he’s reporting daily from the Hillsborough Inquest.
>> You’re fared! <<
Twats in transit, pt II
Elsewhere in the world, someone claiming to be Solly Akhtar from The Apprentice was spotted on a train to Nottingham last week, where he spent the entire journey arguing with the train guard. Solly was refusing to pay an excess on his fare – explaining that he’d lost his wallet and so couldn’t produce his Young Persons railcard.
He got really cross when the guard challenged him but he eventually appeared to relent. Shortly after he’d paid up and the guard had gone though, he called his bank to demand they withhold the payment.
Nominative Determinism Of The Week: The detective sergeant investigating the sexual exploitation of children in Sheffield is… Jane Fidler.
>> Simon sways <<
What was he steering with?
Journalists at the Independent have been emailing by the dozen imploring us not to mention their colleague Simon Calder’s giant whopper again. So we won’t.
Instead we’ll tell you about something even more impressive: his bike riding skills. Simon was spotted earlier this week riding his bike without holding the handlebars, using one of his free hands to use his phone and the other to eat something.
Big in the states: Ferret shampoo. Ferrets are the redneck pet du jour but they get pretty stinky if they aren’t washed regularly.
>> Amsplop <<
Lord Sugar’s full of shit
Adding to our ever-increasing list of corporate memos about employee shitting habits, an email was sent around Alan Sugar’s property company Amsprop last week about “ongoing toilet issues”.
After an investigation was carried out, they discovered that the ‘economy’ flushing setting of their loos is failing to flush the more substantial… efforts.
Very politely, the author signed off saying “I appreciate it’s not the nicest subject to approach, but could you please ask your colleagues to ensure that they fully flush the toilets each time they are used.”
Don’t compliment William Shatner on his role in Boston Legal unless you want to hear him whine on about how he had “too many lines to learn”.
>> Hmmms <<
Ronnie, rabbits, tortoise sex
Lostprophets tribute act looking for an Ian Watkins:
http://bit.ly/1Nchvou
Looks like our Sky sources were right about Clarkson:
http://bit.ly/1D1lXoJ
Man interrupts two tortoises boning; the male tortoise tries to chase him down:
http://bit.ly/1D1mmaP
Qatar has released a handbook of traffic signs – in braille:
http://bit.ly/1E3ZCGU
Pam St Clement on drums, Steve McFadden on synths, Dale Winton dancing:
http://bit.ly/1bx8dpo
London Zoo has just welcomed some new lemurs. They’ve got a sunbathing platform too:
http://bit.ly/1IyJwDZ
Gary Neville’s excellent piece linking England’s lack of super agents with the premier league’s decline:
http://bit.ly/1EXvydL
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Thanks: K, ourmaninkabul, JB, PD, meow, D, K, minky_chunky, S, JBB, pauline, thebestnameshavegone, JC, drunken_boht, SA, AP, DGC
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Old Jokes Home:
My dog got kicked out of her poetry group. Apparently her bark ode didn’t scan.
Still Bored?
Melbourne’s Immigration Museum is becoming increasingly accurate:
http://bit.ly/1CdfDH9
