The Daily Tonic: Gal Pals (2.0)

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A quick dose of gossip, smut and silliness Subscribe

* Memories of March 2020

* Winkleman’s champion cheeks

* PLUS: A March audio round

>> Party games <<

Question of the day

First Rita Ora got busted. Now Kay Burley is having to dish out apologies for flouting Covid rules too. Obviously there’s a pandemic on, so these breaches are technically noteworthy – but it’s making us pretty wistful for the days when celebrity parties would only make headlines when they featured multiple punch ups, blizzards of gak and rampant shagging…
Today’s Question: What’s the craziest celebrity party you’ve ever been to?
Send your stories of debauchery to hello@popbitch.com and we’ll dish out some goody bundles to the best ones.

Nominative Determinism of the Month: The police officer struck off from the Cambridgeshire Police Force in March for gross misconduct? PC Julian Crimes!

>> Wash out <<

Schrödinger’s piss mitts

Handwashing became the nation’s favourite pastime in March. Luckily, we’d been keeping notes dating back years of which celebrities fastidiously wash their hands after using the loo (Robbie Williams, Sandi Toksvig, Charlie from Busted, Gillian Anderson) and which ones don’t (Madonna, Sadiq Khan, Adrian Chiles, Rochelle Humes).
The only celeb we couldn’t get a proper read on was Chipping Norton’s resident cheese shagger, Alex James.
One celebrity who offered James their hand to shake when they were introduced at the Groucho Club found themselves rebuffed with the line: “I won’t shake your hand, I’ve just had a piss.”
An excuse that implies Alex James has the good manners not to touch someone with piss-coated hands, but not enough to actually wash them.

Everyone panic-buying in March resulted in us learning the German word for it: “hamsterkauf” – purchasing the way a hamster stuffs its cheeks.

>> Cheeky behaviour <<

Dropping the pounds

If you’re looking for a new parlour game to play this Christmas, how about “Flaming Arseholes” (also known in some circles as “Dirty Penny”) – a pub activity beloved of certain TV production crews.
The rules are very simple:
1/ Squeeze a pound coin between your bum cheeks
2/ Squat and waddle your way over to a pint pot
3/ Drop the coin into the pint pot
4/ If you miss, your forfeit is to drink the beer with all the dirty coins swilling around in it
If you get good, we hear that the person to beat at it is… Claudia Winkleman. (“Great muscle control”, apparently.)

According to Rachel Johnson’s memoir, which came out in March, David Cameron used to call himself some variation of the word “cunt” every time he missed a shot at tennis.

>> Water palaver <<

Gwegg wants his dwinkie

Whenever Gregg Wallace or John Torode find themselves feeling thirsty on the set of MasterChef, they will put on a baby voice and ask the nearest runner to get them a “fuzzy waawaa”.
“Fuzzy waawaa” is not, as you might imagine, just fizzy water said in an eerie way. It is very specifically (and all studio runners must understand this) a glass of sparkling water served with exactly two cubes of ice, one slice of lemon and one slice of lime.
It is only ever referred to as “fuzzy waaawaa”.

Threats of a London lockdown saw Soho dealers putting in some safeguards in March. Knowing their casual business would take a hit, they started instituting a 2 – and in some cases 3 – gram minimum to customers.

>> Gal pals <<

Cara gets a yellow card

The tedium of lockdown in March was compounded by Gal Gadot’s excruciatingly mawkish celebrity singalong of John Lennon’s Imagine, absolutely jam-packed with stars who really ought to know better.
The only one we will let off with a caution is Cara Delevingne, mainly because we know she’s physically incapable of stopping herself from joining in with any group activity she sees.
We still remember, with the greatest admiration, the rumours of her conduct at Lady Mary Charteris’s wedding. Apparently she was roped in to help consummate the happy couple’s marriage.

Weddings with the Delevingnes sound fun. Poppy’s was almost delayed on the day because two of her high-profile guests went missing shortly before the organ struck up. They’d nipped out for a quick threesome with another guest that had taken their fancy. Mr Delevingne ended up finding them.

>> Quarantunes <<

#182: March Madness

Today’s ten songs were all UK number one hits in March at some point over the last 50 years. You get a point for remembering the artist of each, plus a second point for correctly recalling their title too.
Ten songs; 2’30 on the clock; twenty points at stake.
[Play it here]

If you’re wanting a slightly more substantial quiz fix, we’ve put together a downloadable Popbitch Popquiz Puzzlebook that is filled with quizzes, puzzles and activities designed to be completed in quarantine…

[It’s yours for a fiver]

>> Hmmms <<

Some links from March

Classic album covers redesigned to promote social distancing

[See on 6 Feet Covers]
Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy, played on a vibrator

[Inspiring]
2020’s hottest style accessory: the Danny DeVito bum-bag

[aka the ‘Fanny DeVito’]
Cyndi Lauper’s isolated vocals on Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

[Worth a listen]

Thanks to: N, A, NB, KH, B, maya, LE, wienerbalcony

Old March Jokes Home

Went into the chemist and asked an assistant “What gets rid of coronavirus?”

She said “Ammonia cleaner”

I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”

Fancy Another?