The High Lav

S Club start their already-fated tour at the Manchester AO Arena tonight, but opening night came within a hair of getting cancelled this morning. Not through any fault of theirs – but because of Madonna.

Madonna’s been rehearsing in the AO Arena for the last week, ahead of her London O2 dates kicking off on Saturday – and things have not been going smoothly. Not only did she have to extend rehearsals in Manchester because everything had fallen so far behind schedule, they’ve been going on each night until 2am to get everything finished.

It takes about nine hours to load her show out (she has 48 trucks of gear) so there was a fair amount of panic that she’d over-run again last night and not be clear of the venue in time for S Club’s load-in this morning.

S Club’s crew were due to start at 7am. She got the last door of her trucks shut at 6:30.

Allegations of bullying levelled at Lizzo came as a surprise to many. Staff at Fabletics – the parent company of her athleisure brand Yitty – haven’t been quite so shocked though.

On a photoshoot for Yitty, Lizzo demanded that a young runner on the set go and get her some lunch from a very specific place in LA. A place which just so happened to be about an hour and a half from their location.

When the poor girl returned with the food hours later, Lizzo shouted at her in front of the entire crew for taking so long. Then never actually touched the lunch.

Which notorious Groucho caner calls his coke deliveries “airstrikes”? (As in “Gonna call in an airstrike. Anyone need anything?”)

Turns out that last week’s tale of Conor McGregor commandeering the lavs at an Irish bar in Southwark rang some extremely familiar bells with those who’ve seen him out and about in his hometown.

Patrons of the (now-closed) Dublin spot Xico recognised this set-up all too well. Not only would McGregor get the gents loos there cordoned off for his exclusive use whenever he was in – he’d go so far as to get furniture brought in too, setting up a table and chairs in there, turning the bogs into a makeshift VIP area for him and his cronies.

Now she’s been a year out of office, lips are starting to get even looser about Liz Truss’s antics in her time in the upper echelons of government.

There’s a fun story about a trip she took as Foreign Secretary where, after getting enormously refreshed at an official dinner at the Ambassador’s residence, she managed to slip her leash, shrug off her team and start spreading her attentions a little more freely.

In fact, she threw herself into the after-dinner mingling with such enthusiasm that embassy staff started placing bets on whether she’d emerge for breakfast the next morning from her own room, or another lucky boozer’s.

Katy Perry’s history with the elderly and real estate is no secret. Her first victim was an 89 year old nun, Sister Catherine Rose Holzman, who died in court trying to fight Perry over the purchase of her convent in Los Feliz. Sister Holzman’s final words on this earth were “Katy Perry. Please stop.”

More recently, KP’s been fighting another octogenarian in court, trying to buy the home of an 84 year old veteran with Huntingdon’s Disease who claims he was on painkillers, recovering from major back surgery, when Katy’s contract was presented to him.

Anyhow, it seems her reign of terror might soon be over thanks to a proposed bit of legislation that’s gaining bipartisan support in the States: The Protecting Elder Realty for Retirement Years Act.

a.k.a. The Katy PERRY Act

The comedy cold open of this week’s Bake Off saw Alison Hammond sitting down with Noel Fielding for an intensive, rapid fire Q&A to get her up to speed on baking and the ins-and-outs of the show.

Staff at This Morning found it particularly amusing because whenever they’ve tried to do the same sort of thing with her in production meetings to make sure she’s read her programme briefing notes and paid attention to the result of the hours of research that crew put into each segment, they get nothing from her.

After over 250 years in the heart of Soho, private members’ club Blacks announced this week it was ceasing operations.

Whatever could have happened? Maybe you remember last summer, when we told you the club had been taken over by a cohort of crypto bros, who waded in with big plans to make it the “world’s first crypto club”, turning their memberships into NFTs.

Well, for some reason, they’re now facing insolvency. A fate that’s doubly surprising when you learn which tech-savvy Midas they roped in to be their flagship honorary lifetime member.

The brains behind the revolutionary Matt Hancock app… Matt Hancock!

Here’s one last Martin Daubney story for the road. Back when he was editor of Loaded, the magazine was invited to take part in a fun little charity FIFA PlayStation tournament.

At least it was supposed to be fun, but Martin ended up having a slight disagreement with the organisers. One that led to insults being thrown, some shouting, and a threat to come down to the competition floor and start punching people.

He ended up withdrawing the Loaded team from the tournament in a sulk and stormed off.

The cause of the his unhappiness? They wouldn’t let him customise his controls.

A collection of X-rayed stuff up arses
[See on Imgur]

Blood Sugar Sex Magik by the Chili Peppers, recreated with Donkey Kong sounds
[Listen on YouTube]

Miami teacher accidentally shows his class the Winnie the Pooh slasher movie ‘Blood And Honey’
[Read on CBS]

When A Pop Star’s Biggest Fans Become A Big Headache
[Read on Bustle]

A dispatch from Hampstead Heath’s famous Fuck Tree
[Read on The Fence]

Nancy Sinatra’s old Beverly Hills house is up for sale
[A snip at $3m]

Why the internet isn’t fun anymore
[Read on New Yorker]

Congratulations to Bear 128 “Grazer” on winning this year’s Fat Bear Week
[Fully deserved]