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Strictly Come Dancing finishes this weekend. Olympic Louis vs KimberleyGirls Aloud? If you’re sat watching from your sofa at home, Coral Mobile is the quickest way to place a bet. Want to know how the market is during the show? Check @Coral for updates. Fancy a flutter – odds and info here: http://bit.ly/U1G0IN
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“Trying to work out if I’d rather wank off a dead tramp under a warm waterfall of dogshit for eternity, or be will.i.am for a day” – Theo from Hurts
“I’m not a gold digger. I’m a boob digger” – will.i.am
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 20.12.12 ISSUE 624
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* Happy Xmas! Happy New Year!
* Weird mini-review of 2012!
* Shakin’ Stevens is backing @JFT96Xmas for Xmas No.1!
>> Mini Review 2012 <<
It was an odd year. We started it in the High Court, giving evidence to Leveson (unusual to be there at the behest of the rich and powerful and being encouraged to reveal things – rather than defending ourselves for doing just that). We went on to see the claims we’d reported on Savile find a whole new audience. By the end of the year, we’d found ourselves somewhere we’d never expected to be – liking a Robbie Williams single.
So, to say goodbye to 2012 properly, here’s a short reminder of the more important stories of the year.
See you in 2013.
>> Quotes of the Year <<
“There is ‘banter’ and then there is getting your arse out and opening your cheeks” – Martin Kemp
“I still don’t like calling her (Rosie) a dog. She was better than that” – Harry Redknapp
“It is better to be a dictator than gay – Alexander Lukashenko
“I think name-dropping royalty is a bit poncey, but my brother knows Pippa Middleton” – Spencer from MiC
“If I want cheese, I’ll have it” – Stacey Solomon
Celebrity Stupid of the Year: Tulisa “I think every year I’m getting older”
>> Arse of the Year <<
Winner:
Alex Reid. Where do we start? Katie Price revealed she put a vodka bottle up his. Chantelle let slip his sex dungeon secrets. And he texted his friend offering “Brutal romantic anal fun, huh?”
Runners-up:
Jean Claude Van Damme, the world’s number two action star, revealed to have been a little too refreshed on the set of the Coors Lite ads he lost control of his arse.
Meat Loaf, forced to cancel a live interview with Loose Women at the last minute as he was ill and shat himself.
Pathetic Austin Powers-ism of the year:
Winner: Model Ivana Vancova
Runner-up: Athlete Irene Khokhlova
>> Nick Cave Spot of the Year <<
Winner: Nick Cave on New Road in Brighton, helping a German unicyclist to juggle with fire:
http://bit.ly/IXVVBz
Runner-up: Nick Cave being awarded an honorary degree:
http://bit.ly/AgNpYt
Surprising news of the year: Bruce Forsyth overheard describing the Daily Mail as “the worst paper in the UK.”
>> Spawn of the Year <<
In an otherwise bleak year for paedos, it was nice to see some celebrities offer up their pre-teen children for modelling shoots:
1. Goldie-is-not-her-dad, 11 year-old Anais Gallagher got the Mario Testino treatment.
2. 10 year-old Romeo Beckham models for Burberry.
3. Anna Nicole Smith’s 6 year-old daughter modelling for Guess Kids.
JS writes: “An old friend used to do PR for the Assads. Told us Asma al Assad collected ‘Now That’s What I Call Music’ CDs. She has the whole collection.”
>> Wanker of the Year <<
Winner:
The fan of recently retired Radio 4 newsreader Charlotte Green, who used to send her letters asking her to slow down a bit when she was reading the shipping forecast, so he could can “finish”…
Runner-up:
Brian Sewell on meeting Salvador Dali – “So many people had seen me wank it would have been prissy to say no”.
Nominative Determinism of the year: The Executive Director of Gun Owners of America… Mr Larry Pratt.
>> Prediction of the Year <<
11/10 “Usually the first person to pop up when women are accusing celebrities of sex acts is Max Clifford. Seems wrong he’s not got a look in yet this time…”
6/12 Max Clifford arrested by Operation Yewtree.
FYI: Freddie Starr’s new tour was billed as “… Trouser droppin’ madness guaranteed.”
Police action of the year: Police in Cheshire issued a statement confirming that no-one in Cheshire has made any allegation against Jimmy Savile.
>> Theorum of the year <<
BBC Hairy-Bald Theorum still holds. The Director-General succession follows the same pattern as the Soviet leadership (i.e. a slaphead is always followed by a hairy man).
Soviet Union
Lenin (baldy) – Stalin (hairy)
Khrushchev (baldy) – Brezhnev (hairy)
Andropov (baldy) – Chernenko (hairy)
Gorbachev (baldy) – Yeltsin (hairy)
Putin (baldy) – Medvedev (hairy)
Putin (baldy)
BBC
Alasdair Milne (hairy) – Sir Michael Checkland (balding)
John Birt (hairy) – Greg Dyke (baldy)
Mark Thompson (hairy/beardy) – George Entwistle (bald)
Tony Hall (hairy).
Anagram of the year: Kate Middleton = Naked Tit Model.
>> Handshake of the Year <<
Winner:
Mark Wahlberg Has “unfeasibly soft hands”
Runners Up:
Rhys Ifans “The hands of a man who has never worked a day in his life…”
Arnold Schwarzenegger “Clammy… very limp handshake”
FYI: Nick Rhodes and Robert Smith have unusually strong handshakes.
RIP Whitney: Before she met Clive Davis, CBS wanted to sign her but didn’t. Their verdict? “Pretty girl. Can’t sing.”
>> Silliest joke of the year <<
Little known fact… Danny Welbeck’s dad, Stan, is one of the army’s top bomb disposal experts.
Old Euros Jokes Home
Q Who would win in a fight to the death between John Terry and Joey Barton?
A. We all would.
>> Bad animal of the Year <<
Winner: Raccoon
Raccoons were taking over Brooklyn so much that residents called a Raccoon Summit, as their dogs were too scared to go out.
Runner-Up: Otter
A giant otter in a Hamburg zoo mauled a woman so badly she may never be able to regain full usage of one of her arms.
http://bit.ly/MXPqRV
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THE BOY WITH TAPE ON HIS FACE
Edinburgh Festival Fringe sensation, in London’s West End til 5 Jan. Top price tickets 20GBP (usually 25GBP). All perfs excl. Sat eve. Call 0844 412 4659 and quote ‘Save 5’ or enter code Save5:
http://bit.ly/VRXV3B
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>> Hmmms <<
The Popbitch horse races today and then goes on his holidays til the Spring. Backing George Baker in the 6pm at Kempton:
http://bit.ly/VaHIWy
In case you didn’t make it through Gossip Girl, they finally tell you who she/he/it is:
http://bit.ly/WsZg7o
Oh dear, it doesn’t get any better for X Factor USA:
http://bit.ly/12q2mtk
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Thanks to: Everyone who sent us stories, things, presents, emails Happy Xmas. We love you. x
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Old Jokes Home:
I just went out and bought a 2013 calendar from a shop that says it sells Mayan stuff.
I’m suspicious. It’s just 12 sheets of blank paper stapled together.
Still Bored?
Korea v Korea:
Psy stormed the world for the south but we do love the north’s Take On Me:
http://bit.ly/UFfNQ6
