Job Seeking With John Terry

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“G2 was both serious and salacious even if there were, for my taste, a tad too many articles intellectualising the female orgasm” – Paul Dacre

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* Ricky Martin’s golden showers!

* Another batch of pig spunk!

* PLUS: What are “personal matters”?

>> Bottled off <<

Water load of fuss

It’s been a banner week for Tory back-stabbing, but the most egregious example of it has gone as yet unreported.
A visitor to the offices of the Secretary of State for Transport tells us that everyone working there is currently managing to beat the heatwave thanks to their snazzy new Love Island water bottles. Everyone, that is, apart from the Secretary of State himself – because no-one bought him one.
Quite how Chris Grayling’s hydration needs managed to slip the entire office’s mind is unclear. Must be the heat.

Shout-out to the staffer in the Housing Department who, when being canvased on leaving present ideas for new DexEu Sec Dominic Raab, suggested “Pret gift card?”

>> Drippy Martin <<

Silence: no longer golden

The National Enquirer has a pretty risqué quote from Ricky Martin this week: “I love giving the golden shower. I’ve done it before in the shower. It’s like so sexy, you know, the temperature of your body and the shower water is very different.”
When Ricky first talked about his enjoyment of golden showers a few years back, to music magazine Blender, he got in all sorts of trouble with conservative America. Many media outlets and rent-a-gob politicians demanded he close down his children’s charity as he must be an absolute perv.
So what’s changed? What on earth could have made a Republican-supporting, Trump-loving magazine like the National Enquirer want to normalise piss-play in the eyes of their readers? We can’t think…

On his early tours, Ricky Martin used to rope in crew members to play a game. Called the “Waterfall of Life”, the game was to stand on a hotel balcony and ejaculate over the side, scoring each other on sperm hits on necks, heads, food etc.

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

Disney has long been accused of trying to force a liberal agenda and turn our kids gay – but seeing the stories currently being touted around about yet another of their ’00s tween stars having an illicit lesbian lover, we have to wonder: is there maybe something in it?

Vanessa Feltz overheard arguing with her boyfriend in Sainsbury’s Clapham Common Branch: “I don’t care if you want a gluten free pizza! I’m the one paying the bills!”

>> Sticky business <<

An unexpected cum-back

Channel 5 has announced its intention to bring back rural reality show The Farm later this year after a decade on the shelf, but those plans might be coming a little unstuck.
Producers are struggling to convince any agents to let their clients sign up for it, because all anyone remembers of The Farm is Rebecca Loos having to wank off a pig – and no-one really fancies the idea of being the show’s next breakout star.
(Presumably they’ve already placed a call to David Cameron?)

BBC comedy big cheese Shane Allen was taxied home from Wimbledon last week, after accepting a little too much hospitality. He’d been off the sauce for six months and it was all a bit too much too soon.

>> un-Loaded <<

Financial fair play

We knew it had been a while since Primal Scream had had a hit, but we had no idea Bobby Gillespie was so up against it.
Bobby was spotted in a Vietnamese restaurant in Soho the other day with a couple of friends. He created quite a bit of drama when the bill was brought over, as he was being particularly fussy about splitting the bill and not being left short-changed.
Eventually he requested that the waitress bring him a calculator, so that he could work it out down to the very last penny.

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[At Thinking Slimmer]

>> Best foot forward <<

Jobseeking with John Terry

John Terry signed up with a new sports agency this week. They’re trying to get him some gigs by pushing the line that he was “Chelsea’s most successful captain” but, for some reason, they’re overlooking many of his more famous triumphs. Such as:
* Getting fined by police for parking his Bentley in a disabled space while getting pizza
* Being arrested and charged with punching a nightclub doorman (but claimed self-defence and was acquitted)
* Getting thrown out of a different nightclub for pissing in a glass and leaving it on the dancefloor (he claimed his toe was too injured to get up and go to the toilet)
* Impregnating his teammate’s girlfriend
* Standing trial for racially abusing Rio Ferdinand’s brother, Anton
Terry would be a headache client for most agencies but this one is headed up by Ben Thatcher, the former Man City defender who attacked Portsmouth midfielder Pedro Mendes so badly that he got investigated by the police.
It’s also owned by Charles Saatchi – so if any agency has the chops to sell someone like JT, it’s them.

When Dele Alli goes back to Milton Keynes he likes to eat at a Chinese restaurant in Stony Stratford. It’s called “First Class”.

>> Phwoar play <<

Knot the way to do it

Premiership rugby has just got itself a new sponsor, Gallaghers – and one of the marketing hashtags they’re trying to get off the ground to promote the new season is #thewayweplay.
The hashtag works well on Twitter, where it fills your timeline with a bunch of tweets about rugby. It doesn’t work quite so well on Instagram however, where a search for that tag brings up a sizeable amount of gay light bondage.

Robson Green’s middle name is Golightly.

>> Seal of approval <<

More queue-cutting celebs

Anon writes:

“Your item on Davina McCall caused me to remember another similar incident:
“A few years ago I was waiting in line for a US visa appointment at the embassy in Grosvenor Square. Hundreds of people are given the same terribly early appointment time (8am, I think) which functionally means that you have to arrive at 6am and line up in the cold and dark to save yourself from waiting all day.
“They make very clear, with that vicious condescension that US immigration enjoys so much, that there are no exceptions to this rule. So everyone (mostly me) was outraged to see Seal walk up at 7.59am, stroll past the entire line and get shepherded in with great reverence.”

Nominative Determinism of the Week: Director of Birdwatch Ireland… Niall Hatch!

>> Remixed reception <<

Sixteen years of hurt

DJ/producer Osymyso has been getting nostalgic over on Facebook about the time he was commissioned to make an official remix of Three Lions for the 2002 Japan/Korea World Cup.
The guy who commissioned it said it was the worst remix he’d ever heard in his life, and Ian Broudie told him it was “dog shit”.
Unsurprisingly it was never released, but Osymyso has now dusted it off and shared it with the world himself.
[Hear on Soundcloud]

For more than 30 years, George The Barber has been tending the hair of London’s gentlemen at his iconic barber’s shop in Covent Garden. He’s created his own grooming range and is now offering Popbitch readers a 20% discount upon buying two or more items, with code GTBLOVE20

[Buy at George The Barber]

>> Hmmms <<

Cave, Gambino, Southgate

Brian Harvey vs the press, police, plumbers, MI5, David Icke…

[Watch on YouTube]
Nick Cave Watch continues

[See on Twitter]
Local news of the week

[Read on Local London]
Graphic design is Melania Trump’s passion

[Read on SplinterNews]
Someone’s recreating Childish Gambino’s dancing pixel by pixel on an old Mac

[See on TNW]
England fan left in disbelief after finding out she was in the same year at infant’s school as Gareth Southgate – on the same day she bought a mask of his face!

[Read at Portsmouth News]
Interesting how many journos named in court for hacking/blagging now work in PR

[Read on Byline]
How Silicon Valley is like the Soviet Union

[Read on Twitter]

Thanks to: yama, E, RS, GM, RM, GA, Geg, DE, PL, mount st nobody, JB, MrsHoman, AM

Old Jokes Home:

Q/ What is green and doesn’t weigh very much?

A/ Light greenStill Bored?

This woman keeps an Instagram account for all the weird shit that gets left on the low wall outside her house. It’s oddly eclectic

[See on Instagram]

Fancy Another?