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,—–, Didn’t get a puppy under
/ \ the tree yesterday? Don’t
( @ @ ) worry, Octopus has joined
\ v / forces with Dogs On The
(())|(()) Streets for an adorable
))|||(( charity calendar, after
they were having trouble with their
energy bills. A Christmas miracle.
And nearly as good as a puppy.
[Woof Woof]
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| “When I die all they’ll show on the news is 60 seconds of me thumping a fella in Wales” – John Prescott |
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| Free newsletter every Thursday subscribe
Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com
* Attenborough lives!
* OJ Simpson’s real victim
* PLUS: QJ, world’s biggest gossip |
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| >> RIPBitch << |
| A cheery annual round-up |
| We’ve lost plenty of Popbitch friends and foes over the past twelve months, so as we head towards a wrap on 2024, it seems appropriate to look back on the year with a special, obituary-themed Boxing Day issue.
Next week we’re taking a break and will see you back on 9th January with some of the same old scandal and silliness, but maybe something new for 2025 too. |
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| RIP the career of (briefly) Wales First Minister Vaughan Gething. At his inaugural interview with the BBC at 9am on the Sunday after the election, he had to go have a tactical vom. He came back 10 minutes later and re-started the interview but lasted in his job barely longer. |
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| >> Ladies Who Louche << |
| There ain’t nothin’ like a dame |
| First up, a charming anecdote about the late Maggie Smith.
Maggie and Judi Dench were unlikely hellraisers, but used to like to holiday together.
On one occasion, they took an extended break in a hotel near Oban, Scotland. Installing themselves inside, the pair drank constantly, all day, every day, from breakfast Bloody Marys till bedtime.
Lady Grantham and M do not wait for cocktail hours.
FYI: When acquaintances of Maggie Smith asked whether she missed being in the Harry Potter film series she said not really. She’d “run out of faces to pull”. |
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RIP David Soul, who died in January not long after his drinking buddy from the Boogaloo in Highgate,
Shane MacGowan. |
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| >> Dead Cert << |
| RIP George cubed |
| The Popbitch Racing Club’s George Baker died this week. He was nearly 18 and didn’t get through a bad bout of colic.
George was the horse that gave the racing club its first win – and enjoyed big days out racing with jockey legends like his winning champion jockey William Buick and Frankie Dettori (the day before his suspension for cocaine).
George got his unusual name thanks to legendary gambler Harry Findlay. Harry thought it would be funny to have a horse called George Baker, trained by (the trainer) George Baker, ridden by (the jockey) George Baker. He did get a winner like that; but sold his horses when he lost his money trying to resurrect dog racing.
So we bought George the horse.
And now we are sad. |
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Adrien Chiles wore a 2016 West Brom coat to Liam Payne’s funeral.
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| >> LLQJ << |
| The good, the bad and the Quincy |
| Nobody was a bigger gossip back in the day than the late Quincy Jones. We remember him fondly through this joke he apparently liked to tell.
J writes: “This one requires a man’s jacket as a prop. You take the jacket off, stuff one sleeve down your trousers and then, holding the jacket by its shoulders, ask: ‘What’s this?’
“Answer: Michael Jackson helping a little boy get his coat on.”
“Who told me that joke? Quincy Jones.”
FYI: Quincy Jones’ daughters came up with his nickname: LLQJ (as in ‘LL Cool J’). It stands for ‘Loose Lips Quincy Jones’ because he’s such an incorrigible gossip. |
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| Baboon v Badger: RIP Dave Myers, from The Hairy Bikers, who said of the fictional fight: “It’s not something that keeps me up at night, but my money’s on the baboon.” |
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| >> C-Suite << |
| Premier potty mouth |
| And so we said farewell to football manager Joe Kinnear, the man responsible for the greatest press conference in sport history.
Potentially history, full-stop.
When he was appointed as Newcastle manager in 2008, he turned up to meet the press with the following exchange:
JK: “Which one is Simon Bird?”
SB: “Me.”
JK: “You’re a cunt.”
SB: “Thank you!”
He carried on in much the same vein, swearing an average of once every six seconds, racking up 53 fucks, 4 cunts, a bastard, 3 bollocks and a few craps.
A top-class showing which earned Joe Kinnear the nickname “JFK”. |
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| Cassius, the world’s largest crocodile, died of a broken heart in November, aged 110, after his keeper moved into a nursing home. |
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| >> Robbed Blind << |
| RIP Karl Wallinger |
| Though it’s made them both shedloads of cash, She’s The One ended up being a persistent thorn in the side of both Robbie Williams and its now extant writer Karl Wallinger.
Robbie hated that it became one of his biggest hits – because he had no hand in writing it. And Karl hated Robbie’s recording, in part because the rest of his old band (World Party) were invited to play on it but he was iced out.
The two sat stewing about it for over a decade, but things reached breaking point when Robbie – duty-bound to play it at every gig – decided to introduce She’s The One on stage as the best song that he and Guy Chambers ever wrote. Unluckily for him, Karl’s daughter happened to be in the audience that night, so word got back to Karl pretty sharpish.
Karl called Guy Chambers asking if he could pass on a message for him. “Tell him from me he’s a cunt.”
All of which chastened Robbie enough to revise his introduction.
He henceforth referred to it as “the eighth best song” he’d ever written. |
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| RIP Aston Barrett, former bassist of Bob Marley & The Wailers. Known as “Family Man” on account of the number of kids he fathered: 41. |
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| >> Attenborough Lives! << |
| Divine intervention |
| Every so often, rumours of an aged celebrity’s death surface and spread like wildfire. In the early days of Popbitch this was repeatedly the case for the Queen Mum, but this year poor old still-with-us David Attenborough got the same attention across newsrooms.
Even though the rumour was debunked within the hour and the national treasure was confirmed alive and well – this is how online media works these days.
The Telegraph had an 800 word piece ready to go, while MailOnline had a whopping 10 new stories to publish. Alongside the six they already had pre-written. |
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| OJ Simpson couldn’t actually drink orange juice, because it inflamed the arthritis in his knee. |
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| >> Hoff-Roading << |
| The real victim of OJ Simpson |
| One person who was especially glad to see the back of OJ Simpson this year is David Hasselhoff.
The Hoff has always maintained that OJ was the reason his music career never took off in the States the way it did in Europe. And with good reason too.
In 1994, David was all set to introduce his musical stylings to the American public, having arranged a big pay-per-view US TV special. Unfortunately, the special was scheduled for broadcast on June 17th. The same day OJ ended up going for an impromptu drive along the LA freeway in a white Bronco – which somewhat monopolised the evening broadcasts. |
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| We lost Kris Kristofferson, who earned the unusual distinction of being important enough for David Icke to think he is/was a lizard. |
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| >> Fourth Estate << |
| Joking with James Earl Jones |
| C writes:
“Every year on May 4th I always remember when I was working on a play with James Earl Jones. We were at work before him, so got all of our ‘May The 4th’ jokes out of our systems as we weren’t sure how he’d be about them.
“A group of us just happened to milling around in the corridor by the stage door when he came in. We all looked at him, biting our tongues, when he just smiled, doffed his cap and said loudly and proudly ‘May the 4th be with you!’ and started laughing.” |
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| RIP Camila Batmanghelidjh, who apparently had a warehouse full of Kids Company yo-yos, as she was convinced she could get Omid Djalili to take up yo-yoing – which would, according to her, kickstart the trend. |
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| >> Smoked Salmond << |
| The cinnamon sinnerman |
| Alex Salmond was once seen in one of BA’s lounges at T5, lamenting that all the hot food from the breakfast buffet had gone. An assistant went off to search for something for him and came back with some porridge dusted in cinnamon.
“Ah,” said Salmond upon seeing it. “The King of Spice!”
Salmond then went on to explain to the assistant how good cinnamon is for a person’s sex drive and how he used to get a woman from the shop in his village to order it in specially for him – so that he could smoke it to enhance his… “powers”. |
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| Santa brought you shit you don’t want? Buy yourself a Gak Tote or IDNSHC tee instead from the Popbitch shop.
[shopbitch] |
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| Thanks to: RL, J, Spudbunny, CL, C + everyone who sent us stories, all the dead stars who gave us joy |
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Old Jokes Home
Pun enters a room and kills 10 people. Pun in, ten dead.
Still Bored?
RIP DJ Alfredo. Here’s a classic 1h mix from 1985
[Hands in the air]
*** WhatsApp us some goss over the holidays on +44 7923 619540. We’re also on Instagram and our DMs are open (@p0pb1tch)*** |
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