|
Smart minds read more. Get unlimited access to newspapers & magazines in one app with Readly – now 3 months free, just for Popbitch readers.
[Try here] |
|
|
|
|
“Space is going to finally be glam” – Katy Perry”That space mission? That’s end time shit. Like, this is beyond parody” – Emily Ratajowski |
|
|
|
|
|
| 17.04.25 Free newsletter every Thursday subscribe
Issue #1230 Email stories hello@popbitch.com
Or WhatsApp us: +44 7923 619540
* Joe Wicks’ feral children
* Top chefs on the ‘pic
* PLUS: Dan Wootton’s cheap underpants |
|
|
|
| >> Paper Tiger << |
| The next generation |
|
As well as getting married last weekend, Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof has been busy with an art exhibition in St Leonards On Sea.She’s teamed up with buddy (and actual artist) Lily Gutierrez and the pieces for sale include a bank note scrawled with ‘Fuck gratitude, I Want More’ (£160).
(Good to see the Geldof family motto ‘Give us yer fokkin money’ making it to the next generation.) |
|
|
|
| Ed Sheeran says he plans to record only 10 albums to mirror filmmaker Quentin Tarantino’s plan to record 10 films. (Thankfully he’s already on number eight, so don’t fret.) |
|
|
|
| >> Mysterious Guy << |
| Jafaican me crazy |
|
Peter Andre has a new career path – he’s gonna be a movie star!Pandre is the star of new film Jafaican, in which he plays – yes, you’ve guessed it – a man pretending to be Jamaican.
In a bizarre trailer released this week, Pete has a fake dreadlock wig and test drives a terrible accent, playing a con man trying to make money to pay his nan’s care home fees.
We can’t wait to see how this one turns out. Hopefully it goes down slightly better than Peter’s last foray into on screen work.
He once tried to do the Cinnamon Challenge as a feature for one of the glossy celeb weeklies (the viral craze where participants would swallow a teaspoon of powdered cinnamon, then immediately begin choking, spluttering and crying) and his attempt went so badly that his management demanded all footage of it be deleted.
Presumably what will end up happening to Jafaican too, when it comes out on 20th May.
(PS. One copy of that Cinnamon Challenge still exists, sorry Peter.)
Jafaican movie trailer
[Watch if you dare] |
|
|
|
| In fairness Peter Andre has never been ashamed to make a quick buck at all costs. Back in 2018 he turned on the Christmas lights in Spalding, Lincolnshire. In October. When it was still technically British Summer Time. |
|
|
|
| >> Big Questions << |
| Who’s asking what this week? |
|
Nowadays basically every chef working within London’s restaurant scene seems to be on Ozempic. But only one of them has stumbled upon an ingenious hack to getting his prescription for free.He lets his doctor eat for free in his Michelin-starred restaurant, in exchange for his jabs.
Piece of cake! |
|
|
|
|
From in-depth analysis to must-read features—understand more, think deeper. Get access to over 8,000 digital newspapers & magazines, with the Readly app. Learn new skills, expand your knowledge, and dive into meaningful content with the likes of The Guardian, The Week, New Scientist or even What Car? and Viz. Get your exclusive 3 months free.
[Sign Up For Free] |
|
|
|
| >> Klarna-Chameleon << |
| Recession indicators are coming |
|
Coachella seems to be getting to be even more of just an influencer’s paradise; a playground for the rich and famous but a bit of a hellhole for commoners forced to camp out in 100 degree heat, wait in line for several hours to take a shower and spend all day gazing longingly into the VIP tents.This year normies were struggling even more than usual.
As per a Billboard report, 60% of this year’s general admission tickets to the festival were bought on zero deposit buy now pay later finance schemes. All for a chance at spotting Kylie Jenner somewhere in the distance.
Luckily in the UK, festivals are a bit more egalitarian. Florence of the Machine perfected an excellent technique for getting a VIP view of headliners Arctic Monkeys.
She would tap random strangers on their shoulders and yell “DID WE USED TO GO TO SCHOOL TOGETHER?” at them before asking if they could give her a piggyback. |
|
|
|
| Kudos to Greggs. Their PR account manager is called… Wendy Baker. |
|
|
|
| >> At His Wicks End << |
| A turbulent holiday trip |
|
The Easter hols are finally here, which means one thing for anyone daring to travel by plane: hordes of screaming children and exhausted parents trying to calm them down.Even Joe Wicks isn’t immune from this phenomenon. He jetted off to the Maldives with his family recently and passengers on the same flight described the Wicks children as completely feral.
“I mean, he has four children – that’s like herding cats. But they were feral enough for me to hear it.” |
|
|
|
| Pedestrian Spot Of The Week: “In a recent quiz league game Barry Simmons off of Eggheads didn’t know what jorts were”. |
|
|
|
| >> Ghoul Cruise << |
| Jet 2 must be shitting themselves |
| All good things come to an end, and sadly this week we waved goodbye to the Mark Steyn cruise, which wrapped up its tour of Spain and Portugal on Sunday.
Lucky guests on the luxurious liner – known as the Celebrity Apex – enjoyed some fantastic perks courtesy of the Canadian author, who left GB News in 2023 after his knuckles were rapped by Ofcom for promoting dodgy COVID vaccine scepticism.
As well as having direct ocean access to his views on the invasion of Iraq (pro) and Muslim immigration (anti), guests are also treated to tapings of The Mark Steyn Show and live versions of Mark Steyn Club features, including Sunday Poem, Tales for Our Time and Steyn’s Song of the Week. All this for the bargain basement price of $3,500 a cabin – and upwards.
Guests also enjoyed some VIP speakers who came along for the ride (and the paycheck). Those guests included Lawrence “Lozza” Fox, former Miss GB Leilani Dowding, Dan Wootton, Naomi Wolf, Allison Pearson and Calvin Robinson.
Some of the finest brains from both sides of the Atlantic, while stuck on a vessel you cannot leave without descending to your own watery grave?
Sign us up! |
|
|
|
| One of the people charged with an offence related to betting on the election date was a police protection officer working with Rishi Sunak. His name? Jeremy Hunt. |
|
|
|
| >> A Prime Service << |
| The Great Train Robbery |
| The You Me Bum Bum Train derailment is threatening to become an all out crash.
You may have read about the evil sleb problem in last Thursday’s Popbitch (#1229), or perhaps you may have read about it in an exclusive published by The Times several days later.
Either way, in the interests of being fair and balanced we also heard from a volunteer who didn’t concur with the complaints, saying there was a silent minority who thought the succession of rich patrons coming through the show was a good thing.
This, however, might not be the view of all the billionaires and autocrat patrons.
We’re not trying to give away state secrets, but some of the YMBBT group chats lit up at one element of the show – which involves guests pretending to work in a shop setting.
Some Azerbaijani royals were so distressed at the idea of service that they didn’t want to continue but Jeff Bezos and astronaut girlfriend Lauren Sánchez struggled through.
The Amazon boss did get ‘very flustered’ by having to serve customers, while Lauren was completely bemused by card machine technology. She eventually had to ask the volunteer ‘customers’ to check out their own purchases. |
|
|
|
|
.#. Try Lucky Saint this Easter,
: : the UK’s #1 rated alcohol-
. . free beer. Popbitches get
:___: £10 off their first order
|L S| with code POPHOLIDAY.
|___| Stock up for hosting,
:___: sharing or just enjoying
yourself this long weekend
[Try It Here] |
|
|
|
| >> Dan’s Plan B << |
| Fur Coat No Knickers |
| Tough times for poor old Dan Wootton recently. Allegations about a grubby catfishing habit are being exposed by the High Court – just this last week an ex-colleague brought a claim against Wootton for posing as ‘Maria Joseph’ in order to extract intimate pics and videos.
Shunned from his old haunts of The Sun and GB News, Dan has been banished to YouTube, where he’s putting a brave face on for his subscribers, but things are looking a bit bleak there too.
He’s now resorted to selling pants.
This week’s video has a brand spanking new sponsor, Sheaf underwear, which the man himself describes as “game-changing”.
If you’re in the market for new intimates, he’s also offering 20% off pants if you can endure the indignity of it all (Dan certainly can). |
|
|
|
| C writes: “Patsy Palmer used to live near a friend of mine in Brighton’s trendy Kemptown. My pal was walking to the shop one morning and clocked her as he stopped in the street briefly. Without so much as a breath, she immediately shouted at him: ‘YES, IT IS ME’.” |
|
|
|
| >> Fiver ONO << |
| No time wasters please |
| Coachella isn’t the only music event feeling the recession indicator pinch. Concert costs are soaring, and it seems like every week there’s a new act or artist desperately trying to fill seats at their shows.
This week it’s the turn of Ian Prowse/Amsterdam, who styles himself the scouse Springsteen. Ticket sales are so poor for his Manchester show, they are being hawked online for an access fee of a fiver to fill the room.
But hes not alone. Recent bargain basement seats were being hawked for Ross Noble at the Palladium, Sean(n) Walsh, Katie Price at the Clapham Grand, and the Sugababes, Mel C and Shaznay Lewis at Blenheim Palace.
Which begs the question, can anyone afford to go out anymore? |
|
|
|
| Spotted on a mandatory speed awareness course, hosted on Zoom – ITV Yorkshire’s Catherine Talbot. |
|
|
|
| >> Musk Mamas << |
| One in a billion |
| If this week’s Wall Street Journal expose on Elon Musk proves anything, it’s that he’s really, really weird with women. (Sample quote: “To reach legion-level before the apocalypse we will need to use surrogates”).
Should we really be surprised, though?
When Elon divorced ex-wife Talulah Riley the second time around, he spent a while ignoring the fact it was happening by telling everyone he knew that she was dead. Including his kids – the ones she had been helping to raise.
Things were doomed from the start for Elon and Talulah, perhaps. Their first wedding ended up being postponed a number of times – and someone who got sat next to Talulah at a charity event shortly after one such postponement heard the full tear-soaked story of it.
Everything she said about it made him sound like a solid gold shit, but when this observation was made to her, she explained between sobs:
“But you don’t understand. He’s. A. BILLIONAIRE!”
For the full icky story of how Elon Musk lures in his baby mothers by begging in their DMs to impregnate them:
[Read on WSJ] |
|
|
|
| Travelling abroad? Don’t lose access to the TV shows, movies, and apps you enjoy at home. Private Internet Access VPN lets you take all your favourite content and services with you—wherever you go. Popbitch readers get a special 83% discount, including 4 months free.
[Claim your deal now] |
|
|
|
| Thanks to: AT, SJ, NK, KB, C, DH, posh_duckhunter, PC, monstris, abominablehoman, CM |
|
|
|
Old Jokes Home
Q: What gets wetter when things get steamy?
A: Steamboats.
Still Bored?
Bored with Wordle?
[Music fan game]
*** WhatsApp us some goss on +44 7923 619540. We’re also on Instagram and our DMs are open (@p0pb1tch) *** |
|
|
|
|
|
