Reverse Catfish

Ozzy Osbourne’s ailing health almost nixed his surprise appearance at the closing ceremony of the Birmingham Commonwealth Games last year too – but someone hatched a clever plan to give him just the boost he needed.

Having initially turned down the request to be involved, Ozzy’s old bandmate Tony Iommi was dispatched to LA to make one final plea with him. During this meeting, Iommi let slip the back-up plan: that Robbie Williams had been lined up to fill in and sing Paranoid.

Ozzy’s response? “I ain’t letting that fucker sing my song. I’ll do it!”

Cheryl’s West End debut in 2:22 A Ghost Story has been getting some decent reviews this week. The role of Jenny might have developed a bit of a reputation in theatreland for being one that any old celeb with a few million followers on Instagram can waltz into – no questions asked – but Cheryl has evidently been putting in the work to make the part her own.

We’re informed she’s added a line of dialogue to the script. In the show, Jenny now says “I’m ready” – delivered as a knowing wink to this old X Factor meme.

[Watch on TV Burp]

Which kooky popstar has been known to express their displeasure at difficult management by “top-decking*” their toilets?

(* The act of pooing on top of the loo’s closed lid)

The Tories’ new deputy chairman Lee Anderson is off to a flying start in the new job – having already created two media storms in his first few days: one for recommending the reintroduction of the death penalty; one for making threats to a radio interviewer.

There’s potentially a third one on the horizon too. Remember last month, when he posted a picture of his parliamentary assistant to Twitter – publicly discussing her personal finances to demonstrate how someone earning her salary didn’t need to use foodbanks?

Word from Westminster is that he’s letting her go…

Last week, we asked you about any celebrities you knew who were constantly mistaken for others – and you didn’t disappoint. One email in particular has been making us laugh all week. Not just because every element of it is perfect, but because the mistake is even worse/funnier in 2023.

JW writes:
“A long time ago – mid 80s – I witnessed George Lucas in the Hard Rock Café having to explain to some kids that he wasn’t Rolf Harris.”

The cast for Netflix’s dramatisation of Prince Andrew’s infamous Newsnight interview is surprisingly star-studded, with Gillian Anderson signed on to play Emily Maitlis, Billie Piper as producer Sam McAlister, and Rufus Sewell taking on the role of the bone-dry duke.

It’s a bold part to take, given how unpopular Prince Andrew is these days – but doubly so for Rufus who now risks people confusing him for one of the country’s premier sex cases. Rufus doesn’t care to be confused for other people, even when they’re handsome shaggers.

On holiday in Cyprus one year, diners at his hotel restaurant were abuzz to see a celebrity being seated near them for dinner. The buzz was promptly dampened though when a couple approached Rufus, pens in hand, to ask him if he really was Jude Law.

DW writes:
“You said that Samuel West sometimes gets fanmail for Dominic West. I share my full name with Dominic and have had the same e-mail address since the late 1990s. I regularly received his fan mail, e-mails from estate agents, invitations to film openings, etc.

“Through a chain of people, I ended up getting his actual e-mail address from his agent, which was very, very similar. I was asked if I could forward on any correspondence, and then he asked if I would sell him my e-mail. As I was young and daft I said no.

“I no longer get much for him, so either he no longer attracts random foreign girls sending mails – or e-mailing celebs direct is no longer in fashion with other social media available.”

After 16 years together, one of showbusiness’s most reliably available couples, Vanessa Feltz and Ben from Phats and Small, have broken up.

There have been some suggestions that Vanessa caught Ben cheating (with whispers that a former Big Brother contestant is possibly involved) but Ben’s wandering eye wasn’t the only problem in the relationship.

Longtime readers might have seen that the writing was on the wall for the pair after we brought you news of an argument the two of them once had in the Clapham Common branch of Sainsbury’s. Vanessa was overheard telling Ben: “I don’t CARE if you want gluten-free pizza! I’m the one paying the bills!”

John Cleese’s plan to revive Fawlty Towers got a pretty tepid reception, with fans fearing how he’ll adapt Basil Fawlty for the modern era – but he won’t be starting from cold. Cleese has been keeping the character alive these last few decades.

Those working in tech support at a particular mobile phone company became very used to dealing with Cleese as he was a regular caller to their helpdesk. He would always begin his calls by saying “Cleese here!”, then let rip with a long monologue about how his new-fangled tech had gone wrong, in full Fawlty mode.

The team quickly learned not to try to speak with him while he was venting. The strategy they developed was to put the call on speaker with mute engaged and let him rant away, so that everyone could enjoy it as a character piece. Then, after a few minutes, he’d run out of steam and become perfectly pleasant to deal with. Then they’d take the call as normal.

Todd Boehly’s takeover and half-billion transfer policy at Chelsea has been subject to much analysis and discussion as to whether it’s genius or insanity. A group of football agents who met him at Stamford Bridge think they may have sussed out which.

He was explaining to them that he’d be able to pay for everything thanks to the fact that Chelsea automatically qualify for the UEFA Champions League every year, with all the tens of millions that brought.

Someone pointed out to him that this wasn’t the case; that Chelsea didn’t automatically qualify – and given their current placement it wasn’t at all certain. “Nonsense!” cried Todd. They were always in it!

He then wandered off, clearly checked it with his advisers and then came back to admit that, yes, actually, they’d been right. Oops.

Jim Carrey’s LA estate is up for sale
[$28.9m if you’re keen?]

Headline of the Week: “Boris Johnson’s Ancestor Did Not Have Syphilis, New Scans Show”
[Read on Telegraph]

Apes are using glory holes in zoos
[Read on Gizmodo]

Some fun curmudgeonly moments in this Harrison Ford interview
[“I haven’t got a fucking clue”]

How much is Jacko’s estate worth?
[Read in Variety]

Pitchfork goes studs up on Måneskin
[Read the review here]

The collapse of Justin Roiland’s animation empire
[Read on Hollywood Reporter]

Still Bored?
Flappy Bird x Wordle
[Play it here]