Snip, Dribble and Flop

Quite a few people have noticed that the UK’s recently revealed Eurovision entry sounds not entirely dissimilar to our disastrous nul points entry from 2003, Cry Baby. Both are in A minor, both are within a few beats per minute of each other, both feature prominent Spanish-tinged guitar riffs.

Don’t worry if you don’t quite hear it yet; you’ll have a great opportunity come May. Because to mark 20 years since their own absolute pantsing in Riga, with Eurovision returning to their home city of Liverpool…

Jemini are reforming.

When people started texting us photos from Self Esteem’s gig on Saturday to tell us she was wearing a Wham!-style “FREE GARY” T-shirt on stage, we got a bit of a chuckle out of it.

But that was nothing compared to the full-on belly laughs we got when pictures of her T-shirt made the press the next day.

Just in time for the story to break that boss-level nonce Gary Glitter was being returned to prison for violating the terms of his parole.

Which noted Britpop shagger has been getting her lawyers to send out legal complaints to any writers she catches describing a previous relationship as a “brief fling”? (She wants it on record that they were “committed”.)

The Peltz-Beckham wedding drama took a turn for the unexpected this weekend. Nicola’s billionaire father Nelson Peltz has just hired notorious legal pitbull Marty Singer to represent him.

Feared throughout Hollywood for his famously fiery legal letters (a.k.a. “Singer Zingers”) Marty is usually a lawyer of last resort. The guy you call if you’ve been caught slipping quaaludes into women’s drinks (Cosby); getting your friend’s wife pregnant (Cowell); or waving your boner unbidden at a string of handsome massage therapists (REDACTED).

Hiring Singer to reclaim a $159,000 deposit from the wedding planners you fired might seem excessive, but Marty isn’t above getting involved with relatively trivial cases. He was once hired by Quentin Tarantino to silence his neighbour’s parrots.

QT claimed the birds were distracting him from working on a script he was trying to write – even though they clearly weren’t causing the same issue for their owner (screenwriter Alan Ball, of Six Feet Under and True Blood fame).

The case didn’t make it to court so the details of the resolution remain a secret. But whatever Marty did, the birds soon ceased to be a problem…

A lot of the recent coverage of Richard Sharp would have you believe that he spends all day, every day in conference with Tory top brass, micromanaging every bit of the BBC’s output so that it closely aligns with the government’s viewpoint. But that just isn’t the case.

Those who work around him say that he’s spent most of his time as BBC chairman touring endless media events on the hunt for Wife #3.

Compared with the effort he puts into that, cozying up with the Tories is barely even a side project.

Journalists usually have a few throwaway questions to ask stars on the red carpet to generate a soundbite and a smile. It doesn’t always work though and after Hugh Grant’s awkward Oscars interview went viral this week, we’ve been hearing stories about other embarrassing encounters on the red carpet.

ANGELINA JOLIE: Someone who asked her a light-hearted question about what sort of ruler she thought she’d be at the Alexander premiere got a stone-faced ten minute monologue on the dangers of landmines. (Colin Farrell, on the other hand, gave a perfect four-word answer: “A twelve-inch one…”)

ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER: When asked on the red carpet what songs he likes to sing in the shower, Lloyd Webber looked totally baffled; like he couldn’t even grasp the concept. “Sing? In the shower?” he replied. “But I don’t have showers. Ever. I hate them! They’re dirty!”

AL PACINO: Has his favourites that he’ll stop and talk to. Specifically, big-breasted interviewers in low-cut tops. Finds everyone else very easy to ignore.

ERIN O’CONNOR: Was once interviewed on the red carpet by someone quite a bit shorter than she is (not hard, in fairness). To make it easier on the interviewer, she knelt down on the red carpet in her fancy expensive gown so she could actually hear the questions.

Got a red carpet nightmare you want to share? hello@popbitch.com

The in-house shorthand for the Editorial Policy at the BBC is “Ed Pol”. This might seem like a straight-forward abbreviation, but it’s a reliable source of confusion for newbies.

Years ago, BBC1 had a short-lived series called High Street Dreams, in which candle-slinger Jo Malone helped budding entrepreneurs launch new products. Because the BBC has to be extremely careful about on-air promotion and advertising, the show involved a lot of production meetings where everyone was talking about what “Ed Pol” would and wouldn’t allow.

Confused as to why he was casting such a long shadow over production, new-to-TV Jo finally spoke up and suggested that she take this “Ed Pol” guy out for lunch to see if he’d soften up a bit if they talked it all through face to face.

The show lasted four episodes.

What was happening in the BBC news rooms on Friday, at the height of the Gary Lineker crisis, while employees’ heads fell into their hands worried that they were all about to become a national laughing stock (again)?

Director of News Programmes, John McAndrew, brought his wife in for a little tour of the offices as he’s lining her up for a job there.

Maybe you know her? Daisy McAndrew? Off TalkTV? She’s been telling colleagues for a while that she’d be headed off to the Beeb soon, now that her husband was calling some shots there.

If it happens, it will leave a presenting spot free at The Talk. Who’s going to get it? The smart money is currently on Penny Smith – but you sleep on WhatsApp’s own Isabel Oakeshott at your peril…

The US NCAA basketball tournament (a.k.a. March Madness) is kicking off soon – and as well as being a staple on the sporting calendar for the year, the contest is also boom time for American urologists.

“Vas Madness” specials are becoming more and more common in the States, with urologists marketing the tournament as the perfect time to undergo a vasectomy. Why? Because it provides a golden opportunity for patients to have the surgery – as they then get to spend their recovery days off work, sat on the couch, watching the games.

FYI: Anyone in Austin, TX who fancies taking advantage of this, try local vasectomy specialist, Dick Chopp.

Brett Goldstein (Roy Kent from Ted Lasso) doing the Muppets Christmas Carol in six minutes
[Watch on YouTube]

What’s going on in Zuckerberg’s deserted Metaverse?
[Read on NYMag]

Nominative Determinism Of The Week: The TikTok user who claims she’s “too hot” to get dates…
[…Hope Schwing!]

Coca-Cola has $200m of cocaine manufactured each year in order to “decocainise” coca leaves so they can be used as an ingredient
[Interesting piece on Eater]

Cosplayers in everyday places
[Photo essay on Huck]

Crazy Town’s Butterfly in 2023
[Watch on Twitter]

Does Gwyneth Paltrow’s rectal ozone therapy have any scientific merit?
[Forbes investigates]

Still Bored?
Justin Hawkins from The Darkness reviews the UK’s Eurovision entry
[Watch on YouTube]