Stong And Stable

It’s been a weird old week, what with all the phone-pinching and fridge-hiding and possible breaches of electoral law. We’re sure you’re exhausted by it all, so we don’t intend to dwell on it too much.

But one thing that has really struck us over this election is that we have honestly spent more time and effort trying to stand up a story we heard this week about a former EastEnders star who has allegedly developed a bit of a thing for puke-play in the bedroom, than some of the country’s leading political pundits do when they’re handed some transparently obvious horseshit from their “senior sources”.

Maybe that’s our fault. Maybe we give a little too much of our headspace over to deciding whether or not it’s plausible that a beloved British soap actor would want to roll around in a puddle of vomit for kicks. Maybe we should just blurt it all out. (Which, apparently, he’d love.)

For the minute, we’ve decided we’re going to hold off. Celebrity emetophilia might not be anywhere near as important or significant as a general election but, still, we feel like we owe it to you to get it right – even though we’re certain we could set Twitter ablaze with it if we wanted to.

Whatever your political persuasion, one thing we can surely all agree on is this: when Popbitch is being more responsible than you, you’ve fucked up.

It’s not often you get the chance to tell the tale of a chivalrous footballer, but we recently found out a few more of the details that spurred Andre Grey to make the move from Burnley in 2017.

If you didn’t already know, Andre’s girlfriend is Leigh-Anne from Little Mix. There was a story at the time that Andre was upset with the club because Burnley manager Sean Dyche had blocked Leigh-Anne from sitting in the directors’ box because she was “too famous”.

It struck us as a pretty weird excuse – but it turns out that Leigh-Anne didn’t much care for the directors’ box either. Not since one of the Burnley big cheeses looked her up and down and then told her to her face that he’d “seen more clothes on a washing line” than what she was wearing.

Andre was so furious – both at what had been said to his girlfriend, and the subsequent lack of action against the chap who said it – that he demanded a transfer. Burnley duly sold him to Watford.

Before he was elected to Parliament, which Labour MP hooked up with one of his future constituents, stayed the night – then stole her Nivea lip balm on his way out the next morning, never to return it?

Michael Gove’s campaign team has been posting pamphlets through the letterboxes of his constituents, urging them to vote for him because he is a “stong” local voice for Surrey Heath.

A typo? Possibly. Or it might be yet another Freudian slip from Gove.

According to Urban Dictionary, the word ‘stong’ is a portmanteau of the words ‘stun’ and ‘dong’, and is used to describe an impressive or immaculate penis.

Given the high regard we know Michael holds his in, maybe it wasn’t a mistake at all?

ITV has always been quick to stamp out suggestions that Phillip Schofield is anything other than a charming silver fox who the housewives all adore – but they don’t seem to be doing a great job of stemming the recent tide of negative tabloid reporting.

Insiders at ITV say the reason they’re struggling to contain the story is because their daytime TV department is in absolute freefall behind the scenes and they kind of have their hands full.

Multiple complaints have been filed this year about a wider culture of workplace bullying – some against talent, others against bosses – but complainants were all asked to kindly button their lips while the top brass looked into them. It seems that no-one’s heard anything more about it since, not even star talent like Amanda Holden and Ruth Langsford. So lips are being unbuttoned again.

Which would explain why so many people have ended up speaking to the press all at once. And why ‘unearthed’ clips of Schofe and Langsford from April are suddenly making headlines in December.

If Prince Andrew is seriously thinking of doing a second TV interview, he might want to bring up this little anecdote to prove just how little he cares for teenagers.

On a visit to New Zealand back in the late 90s, Andy stopped off at the Gulf Harbour Country Club to wangle himself a free game of golf. Unfortunately, it didn’t go too well for the Fresh Prince as he was soundly thrashed by one of the local teens playing there.

Rather than graciously accept defeat to the youngster, Andy went on a tear in the clubhouse where he told the gathered members that theirs was the worst designed course he had ever played in his life. At first the bigwigs laughed nervously thinking he was just being jovial, but their smiles soon turned to frowns as the speech went on and on – criticising everything from the greens and position of the pins to the design of the course.

He even blamed the “offshore wind” saying that the course designers “should have borne that in mind”.

The hot new way for celebrities to make a quick buck on the side is by recording personal video greetings for fans. Big name celebs like Wesley Snipes, Ice T and Caitlyn Jenner can earn thousands of dollars a day just for rattling off a few 20 second messages on their smartphone. The more work-a-day stars can make a bit of extra pocket money flogging off greetings for £30 or so too.

Undercutting the competition by a very significant margin though is former celebrity benefits cheat and singer of Black Lace, Dene Michael, who will do you one for just £5 a pop.

Just remember to declare it all properly to Her Maj, eh Dene?

[Take a look]

Sun editor Tony Gallagher was expecting high fives all around for his paper’s recent exposé of David Pemsel’s sex pest antics – a devastating story which caused the Premier League’s incoming CEO to resign in disgrace. But so far? Crickets.

Seems as if hapless old Tony picked the wrong target in Pemsel as, unbeknown to him, Pemsel is a close personal friend of none other than… News UK boss, Rebekah Brooks!

Behind the scenes, Brooks had been secretly negotiating a football broadcasting rights deal for talkSPORT with her pal Pemsel ahead of his formal start in the New Year – something that the Sun’s bombshell has left in charred, bloody tatters.

So if you were curious as to why both the Sun and the Times were quite so quick to pull their online stories, and why they then quietly buried the story of the resignation that they all but forced – rather than trumpeting it across their front page the very next day – now you know.

At the start of the decade, PR man Julian Payne was in charge of press relations for one of Britain’s biggest and best known institutions: the BBC.

The job was going just fine until late 2012, when the Jimmy Savile allegations broke and Operation Yewtree started kicking down doors. Then all hell broke loose. After a year of putting out paedo fires left, right and centre, he decided it was time to move on.

So where do we find Julian at the end of the decade? Working for another of Britain’s biggest and best known institutions: the Royal Family.

Since 2016, he’s been doing Charles and Camilla’s PR – which used to be quite a peaceful beat as well, up until recently. Now the poor sod is back at the nonce coalface, fielding a ton of questions about Prince Andrew.

Thanks to everyone who got in touch with us last week to tell us that, because nuclear bombs don’t actually create any shrapnel, John Shrapnel narrating a BBC4 documentary on Britain’s nuclear bomb doesn’t technically count as nominative determinism.

Extra piping hot thanks though to the one person who got in touch to tell us that John Shrapnel is actually a direct relation of the man who first invented frangible munitions, Lieutenant General Henry Shrapnel, from whom shrapnel takes its name.

A Jesus Christ simulator
[Become the Lamb of God]

Need to stock up on wine before the holidays kick off? Naked Wines is offering Popbitch readers the chance to get a case of six sumptuous bottles, plus free delivery, for just £19.99.
[Get your orders in soon!]

A cover of Smash Mouth’s All Star – played only on melons…
[Listen on YouTube]

Kelly Clarkson’s mansion is up for sale in Tennessee
[Yours for $7.5m]

David Van Day offers the most cringeworthy endorsement of the election
[See on Twitter]

Bigger than BTS? Why Koreans love this giant subversive penguin
[See on SCMP]

Does Matt Hancock have a lob-on?
[Decide for yourself]

All we want for Christmas is a cocaine themed sweater
[Read on WaPo]

Still Bored?
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