The Human Cottonbud

Stacey Solomon launched a new clothes line with Primark last week and threw a big party to support it at fashionable Shoreditch venue, the Ace Hotel. As well as Stacey and her boyfriend Joe Swash, the bash was attended by fellow reality stars like Gabby Allen off of Love Island and Vicky Pattison.

For some reason, the Ace got rather cold feet about any publicity bounce they might see from it. So newspapers and websites who covered this launch got calls the next day asking if they’d mind taking Ace’s name out of any coverage and just use the phrase “an East London hotel” instead.

Tensions are boiling over between Strictly Come Dancing and the Sun again. Things all threatened to go tits up last series when TV Editor Andy Halls found himself banned from Strictly events because of his coverage. Rebekah Brooks’ insistence that he write an apology letter went some way to restoring relations – but the bad blood is back, big time.

What’s causing it? It seems Halls’ boss Dan Wootton has been keen to see the knife stuck in ever since they signed up Dr Ranj Singh as a contestant. As a fellow pundit on ITV’s daytime programming, Wottoon apparently considers his own profile to be a better fit for Strictly and has been terribly sore about seing Ranj on screen instead of himself.

The CEO of which highly respectable and nationally treasured FTSE 100 company was spotted at the football in London recently giving hearty wanker signs at the away fans and shouting “COME ON THEN, YOU CUNTS” in full voice?

The Cox report on Parliamentary bullying this week has lifted the lid a bit on the weird and tawdry Westminster culture but it doesn’t go into nearly enough detail to do it justice. And if what we know of the current political progeny is anything to go by, the next generation might be even worse.

The son of one prominent former MP caused quite a stink at a Labour conference a few years ago when he got drunk with a girl and went back to her hotel room. She changed her mind about having sex when they got there, saying she was too drunk and that she just wanted to sleep.

He backed off but, deeply miffed, he went into her en suite, took a huge shit on the floor by the radiator, then turned up the thermostat before leaving.

A few weeks ago we wrote a brief story about the strange, interconnected stories of Simon Cowell, Max Clifford, Jonathan King and Mark Williams-Thomas. Netflix never returned our calls about turning the whole thing into a ten-episode true-crime documentary, so we’ve written it up as a three-part story here instead.

It’s about how a single declined job offer in the summer of 2000 set off a chain reaction which forever changed the lives of those four men – in which Simon Cowell found international success as the proxy in a power struggle between two convicted sex offenders; a sketchy ex-copper got arrested by his former colleagues; and Britain’s most notorious PR mastermind accidentally sowed the seeds of his own destruction.

The first part is out now and involves Mr Blobby, the Baha Men, £50,000 in bail money and Simon Cowell’s consistently bad decision-making.

[Read ‘Syco Paths’ on Popbitch]

With Richard Madden being heavily tipped as the next James Bond, and Piers Morgan lambasting Daniel Craig for using a papoose, it’s all reminded us of an old George Lazenby legend.

Back in the 60s, when Lazenby was in the picture to be the next James Bond, the studio was initially worried that the handsome, well-groomed young man they were considering might turn out to be a homosexual. Not wanting to risk casting a potentially gay Bond, they set up a test.

While he was away on a modelling job in Switzerland, the studio sent a man and a woman up to Lazenby’s hotel room. The man explained that the woman wanted have sex with George, if he was interested. When George said that he would be interested, yes, they both entered the room. The woman made her way to the bed, while the man sat in a chair in the corner keeping a watchful eye over events to make sure that the deed was done correctly.

Once it was all concluded, the couple reported back to the studio.

Lazenby got the job.

It may have become known as the ‘Shappi Clause’ in the modern comedy industry, but the practice of an agent attaching a lesser-known act to one of their marquee names is as old as the hills.

For example, in the 1970s, if you tried to book Paul Daniels the deal would usually include a requirement to also book a particular singer, Karen Kay.

Or, as she’s better known now: Jay Kay from Jamiroquai’s mum.

Kevin Keegan is promoting his new autobiography at the minute and, obviously, the one story that everyone really wants to hear the inside line on is that bizarre baseball attack that happened while he was asleep in his car in a Surrey lay-by back in 1991.

The official version of events has it as a simple robbery, but there are those who are convinced there must be more to it. Had he been caught shagging someone’s missus? Someone’s daughter? Was he wrapped up in some sneaky deal with Spanish gangsters selling off his villa in Marbella? No-one’s ever managed to prove anything – though it’s not for lack of trying.

The News of the World heard a rumour that there were some boys in Newcastle involved somehow. Hoping to firm it up, they recruited a dozen of Old Compton Street’s finest and sent them up to Newcastle to scour the city’s gay hotspots for a week to see if they could get any dirt on Keegan.

There was nothing to be found, of course, but the boys all managed to have a grand old time of it nonetheless – leaving the Screws to pick up what turned out to be an enormous bill.

When using the loos at work, footballer turned TalkSport broadcaster Jason Cundy doesn’t like to use the standard issue toilet roll they have on offer to wipe his arse. Instead, he has a more ‘bespoke’ routine.

He likes to scrunch a bunch of paper handtowels around his fist – sort of like a human cottonbud – then douses it in water and rubs away until he’s squeaky clean.

Obviously he’d risk clogging the bogs if he tried to flush such a mucky wad away afterwards. So he throws them in the bin instead.

As we wait to hear back from Kensington Palace about Prince William coming good on debts owed to our readers, we turn our attention instead to some outstanding business with WPP supremo, Sir Martin Sorrell.

When colleagues who were running the London Marathon for Cancer Research sent an inter-office email around trying to drum up some sponsors, Sir Martin was one of the first to get back to them promising to stick his hand in his pocket and stump up some cash.

Any further developments on that, Martin? Only, the Marathon has been and gone – and still nothing?

The hot new trend in Russian rave? The Skibidi
[See on YouTube]

A 46 minute supercut of Bob Ross cleaning his paintbrushes
[Watch on Digg]

Congratulations to Orlando’s new police chief… Orlando
[See on NYPost]

Let Coldwar Steve design the new £50 note
[Get Cilla on our money]

Want to spend the night at Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s old house?
[See on HomeAway]

Popbitch’s favourite tree consultant – David Beaver!
[See on EcoNorth]

Julio Bruno is the CEO of Time Out. He discusses the 50 year heritage of the brand and its current transformation on this week’s Media Masters podcast.
[Listen on Media Masters]

Still Bored?
Popbitch nights this month have mainly been fuelled by 808 Whisky from music producer TommyD. It’s whisky remixed. Smoother, easy to mix and even easier to drink. We’re big fans. If you want to try some, use code 8O8POPBITCH to get 20% until 31st October.
[Shop at 808 Drinks]