The Scousetrap

After last week’s story about a bauble theft at Buckingham Palace, Wikipedia head honcho Jimmy Wales dropped us a personal line to clarify a few matters. He was keen to let it be known that – while he is aware of the anecdote, and has been known to repeat it to friends at parties – he swears that he isn’t the one who stole the Queen’s special bauble and, moreover, is “much too square” to do anything of the sort.

We’re very happy to put that on record – but we feel that this latest development is going to boil Her Majesty’s piss even harder.

Apparently the real thief is someone who was working at the time for… Boris Johnson.

Coleen Rooney: your next case is here.

Now that the Mail on Sunday is on the backfoot after getting served by Meghan Markle, folks at the Daily Mail are plotting a bit of a power grab – a plan to absorb their sister Sunday paper and turn the Daily Mail into a seven-day operation.

It’ll be met with some resistance though. The old guard at the MoS don’t much care for the DM’s recent chumminess with the celebrity set under new editor Geordie Greig. It didn’t escape their notice that Geordie offered his good friend David Furnish a massive deal for the serialisation rights to Elton John’s new memoir (a deal which has ended up doing naff all for their sales).

But the thing that really caused raised eyebrows was Geordie agreeing to turn off the comments underneath the online version to avoid any unwanted “negativity”.

Which well-refreshed former Loose Woman was telling all and sundry at the bar on a Virgin Atlantic flight that she’d once licked out one of her fellow panelists from the show – but that the lickee never repaid the favour?

By now you’ll be all caught up on the story of the year so far: Coleen Rooney’s immaculate undercover sting operation, attempting to unmask Rebekah Vardy as a tabloid informant.

For balance, we should say that Vardy strenuously denies these accusations (and wishes to remind us all that she is HEAVILY PREGNANT) but unfortunately for her, Coleen’s evidence isn’t the only thing raising suspicions.

For example, how does Vardy explain that, of the very few unverified accounts that she follows on Instagram, two of them are Simon Boyle and Andy Halls: the Sun journalists who wrote up the leaked stories in question?

Vardy also says she doesn’t need the money, but her long and involved history with picture agency Fame Flynet (the one that used to make zero bones about the fact it staged pap shots in order to split sales profits with the celebrity) suggests that she’s not averse to the odd bonus paycheque.

And she surely can’t be blind to the fact that everyone has her sussed as the Sun on Sunday’s Secret WAG?

Rebekah Vardy announced that she will have her Instagram account “forensically investigated” in order to prove her innocence, but this isn’t the first time her account has undergone investigation.

Back when Rebekah first tried to get herself verified on the platform, she found her requests being batted back by Instagram admins. Annoyed that they wouldn’t give her a precious tick, Rebekah demanded to know what the problem was.

It was simple, Instagram said. A basic audit of her account showed that almost all of her followers at that time were fake and that most had been purchased.

It’s been interesting to see just how far Rebekah Vardy’s opinions on privacy have evolved over the years. We remember a legal letter that was sent out in 2015, back when she was better known as Becky Nicholson, in which our dear friends at Harbottle & Lewis laid out exactly what the Vardy-Nicholsons would consider an actionable breach of their privacy.

Among them:

* “Publication of information concerning their private life, or that of their families” (say, printing a story about plans to travel to Mexico for gender selection fertility treatment)

* “[Being] monitored, followed or surveilled” (keeping tabs on travels between the US and UK to weigh up the likelihood of an appearance on Strictly, perhaps?)

* “Publication of information that would identify the addresses at which our clients live” (running a story about the flooded basement of a Cheshire mansion, for example)

Not to take anything away from Coleen’s flawless execution, but the “Feeding Fake Stories To Friends” tactic is hardly a new one. It’s been used by all sorts of celebrities over the years to smoke out suspected snitches.

Back in 2013, Pippa Middleton set up a similar sting to see which of her mates kept ratting her out to the tabs. She invented three different stories (one that she was engaged, one that she was pregnant, one that she was moving to America) and planted them with her top three suspects.

Sure enough, news of her fake engagement soon made it to the pages of the Sunday People – and, lo! Pippa had her grass.

When he’s not busy groping colleagues, or making women feel desperately uncomfortable on social media, Hardeep Singh Kohli is a passionate campaigner for Scottish independence. Why, just this last week he appeared at an event with SNP MP Joanna Cherry – an announcement which caused our ears to prick up.

We initially misheard her name as “D’ya wanna cherry?” which is a line that might be familiar to long-time readers of Popbitch.

It’s the same line that Hardeep used when he presented himself to a former colleague – totally naked, save for a bowl of cherries that he was using to artfully cover his tackle.

It’s been four years since Cilla Black died, thereby relinquishing her title of Most Loathed Passenger among airlines. Her diva behaviour on planes was so legendary that flight attendants weren’t sure if they would ever find anyone who could take her place.

We’re delighted to tell you that a replacement has since been found. The successor to Cilla’s crown?

Ladies and gentlemen, a huge hand for… David Walliams!

Remember how back in the 90s everyone was saying that Mel B and Geri had a fling, only for them to deny it and deny it and deny it until 20+ years later when they had a world tour they were promoting?

And you know how, more recently, everyone’s been saying that Mel B and Jess Glynne had a similar sort of fling, only for them to deny it and deny it and deny it?

Well, mark your calendar for 2039 because we’re told there’s either going to be a confession, a world tour or both.

Keith Prodigy’s belongings are up for auction
[Catalogue at Cheffins]

Simple, yet infuriating, circle drawing game
[Play on Vole]

Breast milk lollipop, anyone?
[One for George Osborne?]

Baby octopuses = fucking cool
[Watch them hatch]

Can You Microwave That?
[A very handy guide]

Insect hotels
[See on Dezeen]

Cockwatchers: Australia’s magazine NW has brought back its Wang Watch section – with an uncensored shot of Prince Philip’s plonker…
[The article is SFW]

Still Bored?
The Hustle: A Brexit Disco Odyssey – a concept disco album that almost makes the last three years worth it
[Listen to it now]