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THE POPBITCH POPQUIZ – TUE 8 SEPT Join us at Smiths of Spitalfields for an evening of trivia, gossip, music and madness on 8th Sept. Prizes! Booze! The strangest arts and crafts you’ll ever do! Entry is GBP 5. Buy tickets here: http://bit.ly/1UEzPKs
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“I never pre-write a LOL question” – Nick Grimshaw
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|_| |_|27.08.15 ISSUE 751
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* Willy Wonka’s snozzberry
* Colin Fry: RIP Greedy Arse
* Charts: Rachel Platten for No.1
>> Ex-FM <<
Dadrock goes large
So, we told you Chris Moyles was taking over the breakfast show on XFM. Turns out that’s not quite right.
XFM is closing – completely – on 9/11. A week later, rising like a Dadrock phoenix from the indie ashes, Capital Rocks will be born. (Much higher up the A-Z DAB listing than XFM, to be fair.)
Chris Moyles, Vernon Kay… what a dream line up! We’re just waiting to find out who’s got the drivetime gig. Go on, have a guess who is in the frame? Well, it’s between Richard Bacon and Johnny Vaughan. If Bacon does get the nod though, Vaughan is thought to be off to Talk Sport.
There’s a rumour around that the original G’n’R lineup is reforming in 2016.
>> Ribber Johnny <<
Biggest cock in radio
When Johnny Vaughan took over from Chris Tarrant on Capital’s breakfast show, someone from Popbitch was sent to interview him for Word magazine. Armed with a set of questions written by Word’s own Mark Ellen, the opener was “How does it feel taking over from a legend like Chris Tarrant?”
To which Vaughan replied: “What the hell does that mean?”
A couple of similarly inoffensive questions later Vaughan stood up and said, “I’ve had enough of this. How dare you,” and walked out.
After ten minutes the rather downcast PR girl informed us that he wasn’t coming back. Then added, a couple of minutes later, “He doesn’t really like dealing with women.”
Tube strikes are off because of the weather. Union bosses thought public opinion would turn nasty if everyone was forced to walk in the rain. And members would get wet picketing.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which well-connected London media exec has been falsely claiming to have created the Bear Grylls show The Island so loudly in public that the real originators have had to send a legal letter demanding that she retract the claims or be sued?
Which big TV show had production halted for a fortnight for rewrites when Beeb bigwigs learned the season finale was a child suicide bomber storyline?
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>> Production trouble <<
Stalling between gears
Doesn’t look like the new Clarkson, Hammond and May vehicle is off to the most auspicious start. Having advertised for the position of producer/punchbag here in the UK a couple of weeks ago, they have since had to take their search global.
Know anyone in Australia who is equally talented at show production and dodging right hooks? Sign them up…
Old Ashes Jokes:
Q/ What do you call a world-class Australian cricketer?
A/ Retired.
>> Rude Dahl <<
What’s Willy’s snozzberry?
Remember when Willy Wonka made that lickable wallpaper? With the oranges that taste like oranges. The strawberries that taste like strawberries. The snozzberries that taste like snozzberries, etc…
What exactly is a snozzberry? Fifteen years after Charlie And The Chocolate Factory came out, Roald Dahl wrote one of his adult novels, My Uncle Oswald, which had this exchange in it:
“How did you manage to roll the old rubbery thing on him?”
“There’s only one way when they get violent,” Yasmin said. “I grabbed hold of his snozzberry and hung onto it like grim death and gave it a twist or two to make him hold still.”
So yes. Willy Wonka had children licking cock-flavoured wallpaper.
A new advertising campaign is trying to persuade a female filmmaker to be the face of female incontinence – by making a Dove-style ‘real women’ film of the thing. (Also: 25k.)
>> Creep <<
Thom sucks young blood
soapy_handerton writes:
“So that probably wasn’t Thom Yorke’s daughter I saw him with a couple of months ago then. Wonder if the divorce will be another ‘Pay what you think it’s worth’ experiment?”
Kim Kardashian won’t eat anything with mustard.
>> Medium to XXL <<
Fry on the rings of love
The tributes to Colin Fry this week seemed to focus mainly on his work as a celebrity medium. Which is understandable, but we wouldn’t be doing our job properly if we allowed it to be forgotten that Colin was also a serious businessman. As well as talking to ghosts he was also company secretary for Crackstuffers, a dildo manufacturer specialising in hoop-widening plugs and depth trainers, which sports the fantastic strapline:
“Designed by men with greedy arses, for men with greedy arses.”
Rest in peace, Colin. And stay in touch!
RIP Hummers. About to be phased out by US military. Probably never got over Paris Hilton owning one.
>> Umbili-cool <<
Placenta pendant, anyone?
Maybe you saw the stories this silly season about the hot new trend for middle-class mothers commissioning jewellery made out of their breast milk – only for squeamish Etsy to ban it?
It’s not a patch on what youcan lay your hands on in the UAE though. One company in Dubai can make jewellery out of practically anything you want. Breast milk, hair, your pet’s ashes. Someone has even been asking them about getting some foreskin whipped up into a flash accessory.
And what does that sort of thing look like? Here’s a picture of one of their placenta pieces…
What’s Gary Rhodes up to? Cooking school dinners. He’s making cottage pie and treacle pudding for one of Dubai’s pricier, snottier schools.
>> Above the rim <<
What the FBI knows
Federal agents in New York this week raided the HQ of male escort website RentBoy.com – which was accused of money laundering and soliciting illegal prostitution.
If their notes are anything to go by agents had to do a LOT of research as they didn’t know the first thing about the gay scene. Here’s some of the research they did into an escort called “Brandon”:
“Based on my investigation I have learned that a sling is a device that allows two people to have sex while one is suspended and a rimchair is a seat resembling a raised toilet seat so that the anus is accessible while someone is sitting on the seat.”
“I have also learned that ‘rimming’ refers to the touching of the tongue to the anus.”
Eddie Izzard spotted buying tomatoes in Byers Street Waitrose, Glasgow. “In heels, skinny jeans, leather jacket with just a touch of lippy.”
>> What a mess! <<
Pig hit with the public
We’ve been getting overexcited about the Jackson Five-sampling Easy Love by Sigala all summer, but the DJ behind the project obviously didn’t think through its Euro potential too well.
It isn’t likely to do very well in the Baltics (a huge consumer of dance hits otherwise). Why?
Because “Sigala” translates as “Pigsty” in Estonian.
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POPBITCH MAGAZINE: ISSUE 17 OUT NOW More gossip. More stories. More big questions. Monthly for your phone or tablet. Dirt on Richard Desmond, Eurovision, political pop songs and much, much more…
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>> Hmmms <<
Karate, gingers, art
Fancy getting your hands on a priceless piece of art? Because the 100 Pictures project is giving them away. For free:
http://www.onehundredpictures.com
Jeremy Corbyn’s used coffee cup for sale on eBay:
http://ebay.eu/1hePiSM
Some of the greatest football club match day posters:
http://bit.ly/1JxsjJk
Evidence to suggest that Daniel-san was the real bully in The Karate Kid:
http://bit.ly/1JxXMQ6
Ashley Madison’s advert uses the same stock photo as Mitsubishi do for heat pumps:
http://i.imgur.com/ZhRyHSH.jpg
Interesting article about how practically none of the women on Ashley Madison used it:
http://bit.ly/1MPNXy4
We sent our movie reviewer to see the new Zac Efron film. Did he like it? Er…
http://bit.ly/1KPUeoR
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Thanks to: badhorsey, AH, monstris, mike_hunt, JE, theabominablehoman, belinda, SH, meow, SG, GO, kiwidave, PB, deep_stoat
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Old Jokes’ Home:
Q/ What happens when a piano falls down a mine shaft?
A/ A flat miner
Still Bored?
How one joke about Yoko Ono became a minor media legend:
http://bit.ly/1LwvDbF
