A Stinking Gnarly Crocodile

And so Bryan Singer has left the set of Bohemian Rhapsody owing to a “personal health matter” (which is a novel euphemism for “absolutely bricking his pants”).

As he skulks back into the shadows so people don’t revisit the many outstanding allegations regarding him, the studio has drafted in a new director for the doomed project. Or, rather, an old director: Dexter Fletcher, who already left the production once back in 2014.

At this rate, we can probably expect the original choice to play Freddie in 2010, Sacha Baron Cohen, to sign back on in 2021, and for the whole thing to be quietly put back in the studio’s filing cabinet by late 2025.

Mica Paris has been in the recording studio this week and appears to have left quite the impression there.

Upon arrival, Mica nipped to the loo – which she proceeded to block with “a shit so big that its head poked out of the water like a stinking gnarly crocodile”.

Which tabloid favourite set up a paparazzi shoot that was so eye-poppingly awful that she hasn’t actually been able to sell the shots to anyone yet? The larger-than-life reality TV star thought it would be a good idea to be photographed in a series of poses, entirely naked, sitting on her toilet.

It’s not just the stars of Joseph And His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat who like to try to covertly whip their knobs out during the show. It seems that all of the housewives’ favourites are at it.

One such beloved singer appeared in a D’Oyly Carte Opera Company revival of HMS Pinafore as a younger man, and the tenors in the chorus remember one particular scene in Act 2 where the star in question was directed to turn his back to the audience. Once out of view, he would often try his best to slip his willy out for the amusement of his fellow castmates.

Whether or not he’s treating Michael Ball to the same sorts of sights on tour at the moment, we don’t yet know.

FYI: Those that saw it say he boasts quite a notable arrangement.

As the New York Times doggedly continues to unpick the many threads of the Weinstein story, we were interested to see them mention that Weinstein was considered an “F.O.P.” – a “Friend Of Pecker”.

Who is this Pecker? David J Pecker, the CEO of American Media Inc and publisher of the National Enquirer.

And how did the relatively unknown Pecker come to gain such influence over a dishonourable but powerful sex offender? Who knows. But we know where he cut his teeth. His first big job was publishing a vanity magazine for a luxury real estate developer. A little title by the name of… Trump Style.

Alan Edwards and Dominic Mohan, who run vintage music PR outfit Outside Organisation, have been doing a lot of puff pieces in the press recently about their storied history and star-studded client list.

One star client they no longer have though is Naomi Campbell.

As someone who has had numerous tussles with the tabloids (famously taking Piers Morgan’s Daily Mirror to court over outing her at Narcotics Anonymous) it turns out Naomi wasn’t exceptionally chuffed to discover that she was being repped by a former editor of the Sun.

As the Chuckle Brothers rehearse for another lucrative panto season in Southampton this year, they must be thanking their lucky stars that everything worked out so well – because it wasn’t always the case.

Someone who saw their act in a working men’s club in Lincoln in the late 80s remembers them well. He thought they were fantastic (in particular, Barry’s routine driving a little clown’s car around the audience) but he was struck by how melancholy they were in the interval.

During the break, while serving them at the bar he spent the twenty minutes listening to them lament, on the verge of tears, about where they were in life. Fully inconsolable, 1,000 yard stare stuff.

Then the bell rang, they drained their halves, and stuck the painted smiles back on before they took to the stage again to finish the show.

Just when you thought Ed Sheeran couldn’t ruin the year any more, he’s gone and taken all the fun out of betting on the Christmas Number One race.

Not only did his overhyped mystery duet with Beyoncé turn out to be a total snore, but he’s gone and imploded the Betfair exchange too. Betfair had been taking bets on Ed Sheeran as a solo contender for Christmas number one, but his surprise duet with Beyoncé threw the markets into chaos. Would previously placed bets on Ed Sheeran count if the Beyoncé duet made him number one? What about bets placed on him after? And people who were betting against Sheeran in the exchange – which version and which price were they laying?

Rather than figuring out how best to honour anyone’s bets, they simply suspended the entire market and refunded everyone.

So if Rita Ora gets the Christmas number one, you owe us £260 you fucking mangy teddy.

Once upon a time, the whole pack of football writers was in thrall to Jose Mourinho. As time has gone on though, and Mou has got more bad tempered and defensive, his cheerleading squad has defected one by one.

These days it’s only really Duncan Castles who’s left defending him – and that’s mainly because Castles is Mourinho’s pet hack, getting the party line directly from agent Jorge Mendes, then regurgitating it straight into the Sunday Times – for about £1-2k a pop (nice work if you can get it!)

But Castles’ defence of Man Utd’s Paul Pogba (who was red carded against Arsenal last weekend) was too much even for fellow Murdoch hacks to take. Sky’s touchline reporter Geoff Shreeves was so incensed by Castles that he basically offered Castles out over Twitter this weekend, suggesting they settle their argument “face to face” when Shreeves is up for the Manchester Derby on Sunday.

Manchester-based hacks are waiting with bated breath to see if Castles takes Shreeves up on it.

The George Michael Xmas jumper you’ve always wanted! (We’re wearing ours with pride)
[View on eBay]

Thomas The Tank Engine Stunts
[Watch on YouTube]

10,000 streams on Spotify for a fake song called Cl1ckba1t
[Read on Digital Music News]

Someone got a Harvey Price tattoo
[See on Twitter]

The excellent story of a Vice writer making a shed the top-rated restaurant on Trip Advisor
[Read on Vice]

The Complicated Legacy Of A Panda Who Was Really Good At Sex
[Read on FiveThirtyEight]

Help homeless people this Xmas. £5 will buy much more than a hot meal. With your help people on the streets need not spend the holidays alone
[Donate at Connection at St Martins]

Have you downloaded your free Popbitch annual yet?
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