************************************
Pulitzer Prize winning Professor Jared Diamond will be presenting a groundbreaking theory about how we should be dealing with crises – global, national and personal. Boost your brain power 7th July, London SW1. 15% off tickets with code POPBITCH. Tickets and info:
http://bit.ly/1Xm3r1S
************************************
“Hello, you cunt” – Harvey Price
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
_ __ ___ _ __ | |__ (_) |_ ___| |__
| ‘_ \ / _ \| ‘_ \| ‘_ \| | __/ __| ‘_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_| |_|19.05.16 ISSUE 786
Free email every week
Subscribe http://eepurl.com/XSZoP
Email stories hello@popbitch.com
* Holyrude: SNP MPs are filthy
* Geri Halliwell’s word salad
* Charts: Justin v Drake for no 1
>> Sexual history <<
Our lips stay sealed
The Supreme Court ruled today that the celebrity threesome injunction will remain in force until trial or further order.
In the judgment, Lord Mance describes the now-infamous olive oil paddling pool party as “relatively ancient sexual history”.
This will no doubt come as a huge relief to PJS. Not least because if 2010 is the court-appointed cut-off date for sexy stories, then tales from his night out with one of YMA’s celebrity colleagues at a showbiz party about ten years ago will definitely never see the light of day.
Our first skim of the PJS judgement. This is a huge boost for celeb privacy law – not just injunctions. Going to have big consequences.
>> Sweet charity <<
Kasabian to the rescue
There’s a new set of Cancer Research ads on TV at the minute with Kasabian as the soundtrack. It’s the same song that has been featured on Cancer Research’s ads for many, many years now. So is someone at CRUK a big Kasabian fan?
Nope. Not particularly. The main reason they keep using that same Kasabian song is because the band granted Cancer Research permission to use it for as long as they wanted. For free.
Almost enough to make you like Kasabian, isn’t it? Well, almost.
Not to be outdone by EMC (who landed Duran Duran for their conference) SuiteWorld has signed up Billy Idol and Ozzy Osbourne as entertainment.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which new SNP MP was such a keen frequenter of Edinburgh sex clubs that a stripper turned up at his place of work demanding the return of her knickers, which he had pocketed at the end of her routine?
Which married SNP MP developed an enormous enthusiasm for Iceland – angling to become an ambassador to the country in the wake of independence so he could continue shagging two Icelandic women?
Lembit Opik has very soft skin. (“Like a baby,” we’re told…)
>> A touch of Spice <<
Do you know what we mean?
This week, Geri Halliwell gave what may well be the most Geri interview ever (even better than that webchat she once did where she kept referring to the time she lost her “vaginity”).
The bit about Sophie’s Choice is an essential/excruciating read, but just look at this for a sample quote:
“My experience is that we live in a material world. Also, it’s inside and out, it’s the polarity of both, aesthetics is the shop window, ultimately, if there’s nothing in that shop, it has no longevity, do you know what I mean?”
Erm…
The first penis transplant took place in the US last week. One of the doctors leading the surgical team? Dr Dicken Ko.
>> Punk’s not dead <<
A Swift change in direction
We get all sorts of offers from people trying to flog us the most inane and ludicrous gossip – but rarely does anyone top the email we got about Taylor Swift’s rumoured ‘experiments’ with a new punk persona.
Apparently now that she’s cut her hair a bit choppy, there will be no end to her cool, edgy behaviour. Things she’s always wanted to do that her squeaky clean pop image has so far prevented her from doing include:
* Sky-diving
* Pole-dancing
* Getting a nipple ring
* Getting a butt tattoo (like that other anarchist firebrand, Cheryl Tweedy)
According to this extremely well-informed and not-at-all spurious source, Calvin Harris is trying to limit all this punkiness, and has apparently told Taylor he won’t marry her if she ever goes “full Miley”.
Rest assured, Calvin. If Tay ever does go “full Miley” (and rumours suggest it’s a distinct possibility) you’ll have bigger obstacles than butt tattoos to contend with.
************************************
Wiretapper starts on 24th May. An immersive theatre experience at secret central London location from the founders of Shunt. You’re taken on a surreal audio journey where you’ll interact with actors and see the capital’s streets in a whole new light. Up for it?
http://www.wiretapper.co.uk
************************************
>> Domestic silence <<
Karen the cook’s gone quiet
Karen Danczuk was planning to launch her own YouTube channel this week – but we’re not sure she’s entirely prepared enough.
The sample recipe she released to Twitter to generate a bit of buzz made Pippa Middleton’s party tips look like quantum physics. It got mauled on social media so savagely that Karen has since locked her account. Thankfully, someone grabbed a screenshot of it.
While she has this little moment of downtime, Karen might want to fix the notable typo in her channel’s slogan: “Believe in you Selfie”
>> Tabloid playbook <<
Dusting off those headlines
The only thing more consistent at the Eurovision than the UK underperforming is the tabloid stories it all generates.
1/ DRESSING ROOM DEMOLITION
2016 “All the former Yugoslavian Balkan states have defaced their dressing rooms” – The Sun
2003 “Eurovision flops Jemini found their dressing room smashed up minutes after the judges trashed them” – The Sun
2/ CELEBRITY EURO-STALKERS
2016 “Serbia’s Eurovision contestant Sanja Vucic is believed to be stalking British hopeful Joe Woolford.” – The Sun
2003 “Eurovision hopeful Gemma Abbey claims she is being stalked by one of lesbian pop duo Tatu” – The Sun
3/ SEXY RUSSIAN SMUT
2016 “Eurovision Schlong Contest: The secret fetish porn past of Russian favourite” – The Sun
2003 “Lesbovision Thong Contest: Red Hot Russian favourites” – The Sun
Favourite quote of Eurovision, from the Swedish Jury: “If there’s room in the heart, there’s room in the butt.”
>> Popbitch Popquiz <<
Another pub night showdown
Join us at Smiths of Smithfield on Tuesday 7th June for the Popbitch summer pub quiz.
Expect salacious trivia, silly arts and crafts, gossip and good tunes. There’s something for everyone – you don’t need to be a music expert to win. So book your table now!
Think that Chris Hemsworth advert for Australian tourism sounds a bit flowery? It was originally written for Cate Blanchett, not Chris.
>> Seed capital <<
East coast drug craze
2015 was all about K2, or synthetic cannabis, but the youth of America have since moved on to a new cheap high – seeds.
The new craze is to chew on plant seeds with LSA in them, a natural hallucinogen which is chemically similar to LSD. Morning Glory seeds work best apparently, although if you can only get your hands on Hawaiian Baby Woodrose then they’ll do the trick.
Already there have been two hospitilisation incidents in Boston, and three overdoses this week in suburban NYC.
In a line which could easily have been lifted from a Brass Eye script, the Police Chief of Seekonk, Massachusetts, said: “Parents should know if their children are into planting flowers or not, so if they see these things in the household, the radar should be on.”
Daily Mail Question Of The Month: Why are Britain’s seaside donkeys being replaced by trampolines?
>> Life after Live <<
The trouble with repeats
BT are planning to launch a channel to directly challenge Sky1. And who have they hired to run it? Jonathan Boseley – former director of programming at London Live.
Fingers crossed it pans out better than it did at London Live. Boseley left six months after launch due to audiences of zero and critical brickbats for some of his commissions, which included the tastefully-titled comedy Sniggers With Attitude, and porn-parody-soundalike Not The One Show.
FYI: Further to last week’s rumours of a movie in the pipeline, Al Murray tells us “he’s not making a Pub Landlord film”.
************************************
Media Masters podcast: Twitter European VP Bruce Daisley on trolls, rivals, censorship and getting verified. Listen: http://bit.ly/1ONcsQ8
************************************
>> Hmmms <<
Books, otters, Muppets
Louise Mensch has a Madonna-esque transatlantic accent:
http://bit.ly/1sBvPCg
Local news is getting pretty desperate (as are children in Hull):
http://bit.ly/1OGKPYW
The NYPD crushed a bunch of dirt-bikes and ATVs on Facebook Live to send a message to ‘knuckleheads’:
http://bit.ly/1TfEDsP
************************************
Thanks to: celtiagirl, C, PB, NS, The Ears, MS, M, JM, TM,
************************************
Old Jokes Home
I only believe 12.5% of what the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Still Bored?
Play classic NES games as Donald Trump and Make Nintendo Great Again!
http://www.trumptendo.com/
