“Nobody ever wrote a song about a small ass” – Khloe Kardashian
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|_| |_|11.02.16 ISSUE 772
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* Savile: A knight at the opera?
* Naomi Campbell’s bedside items
* Charts: Lukas Graham v Zayn
>> Stinkyleaks <<
Dinner with Julian
Julian Assange is still holed up in the Ecuadorian embassy but, from everything we hear, it sounds as though he and the current Ambassador are having a few problems with regards to house rules.
The Ambassador has requested that Assange keep his door open in the company of any female visitors (sensible) but he has also banned him from cooking with garlic or onions because he hates the smell, and the people who do the laundry/clean the rooms are always complaining about how bad it smelled in there.
The sanction is playing havoc with Julian’s speciality dish: a hot-plate spag bol he likes to cook for important guests.
Under the previous ambassador, Assange was caught snooping around rooms he oughtn’t have been and was chased around the embassy with a broomstick by members of security.
>> Royal demands <<
Long live the Queen?
Is everything OK with the Queen? The only reason we ask is that the Arts Council have just sent out a document entitled “Advice And Guidance: Category A Death” which lets organisations know how they should conduct their affairs in the event of the death of a senior member of the Royal Family.
Although they do try to broaden the advice out for other “notable persons”, they return to the theme of QE2 carking it regularly.
The most interesting part? We learned that while Charles, Camilla, Wills and Kate all classify as a Category A member of the Royal Family, Harry doesn’t.
Gruesome Twosome? Quentin Tarantino and W1A’s Jessica Hynes.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which celebrity couple have packed all their kids off to very expensive, prestigious schools in London – except their youngest? She was at a fancy girls’ school, but they pulled her out after a term because her shagger dad had been having it away with one of the teachers. Which would have made parents’ evening pretty awkward.
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>> Blind Kate <<
Pricey lends a hand
Katie Price’s sweary panto apology doesn’t sound like it was miles out of character.
A few years back, she did an outdoor event at a race track as a promotion for a motoring magazine. A live Blind Date was set up (like the TV show) with racing driver Eddie Irvine as the bachelor, and Pricey as one of the three girls behind the screen answering questions. Eddie’s first question was, “What would you do if you heard the 4 minute warning”?
Katie’s answer? “First, I’d wank you off, then I’d wank myself off and then (gesturing to the crowd) I’d wank you lot off!”
Feb 2000: Snoop Doggy Dogg promised a Doggyworld themepark for under-privileged kids in Mississippi. Feb 2016: They are still waiting…
>> The Barber of Savile <<
Hiding in plain sight again
Covent Garden Opera House is currently showing a production of French comedy, L’Etoile. A few days before it opened they had a dress rehearsal with an audience watching for the first time.
The opera starts with the main character, King Ouf, going out among his people in disguise. And what was this disguise? An old man, wearing a shiny jacket, sunglasses, big jewellery and a blond wig. And sporting a cigar.
Some audience members looked a little confused.
It was pointed out to the mainly international cast and crew that the King looked, well… er, a bit like a rather famous British TV presenter, who… well… you know…
When the production opened properly last week, King Ouf’s disguise consisted of a grey wig, a beard, no cigar and no sunglasses.
How’s about that then!
Any Independent hacks hoping for a commiserative beer out of Lebedev’s rumoured sale are out of luck. He’s notoriously stingy on nights out.
>> Ring a ding-a-ling <<
If you like it…
Naomi Campbell is back in the news hanging out in clubs with Idris Elba.
Someone who worked in a hotel where the supermodel stayed with her Russian billionaire ex-boyfriend says she rocked up with an entire box full of wigs.
When they left, one of the hotel cleaners discovered that someone had left a ring on the bedside table after they checked out.
An engagement ring? Erm, not quite. It was a cock ring.
BBC insiders link the Top Gear good PR with Kim Shillinglaw’s exit. The ex-BBC2 chief’s micro-management was known for paralysing shows.
>> ELO, Eurovision! <<
This week’s round-up
* AUSTRALIA
There’s a fair bit of hype down under that Delta Goodrem is going to represent Australia – which would see her going up against her ex (McFatten)’s Westlife bandmate, Nicky.
* ROMANIA
Remember Hayley Evetts – from Pop Idol 2002? She’s going to be representing Romania with a song that sounds like they wanted to enter ELO, but couldn’t afford Jeff Lynne’s petrol money:
http://bit.ly/1PF7z6x
* UKRAINE
Our favourite, Jamala, is back. This time with a politically charged number called 1944 – highlighting her Crimean Tatar heritage. It’s a bit like Burial, but with a sealion singing over it:
http://m.vk.com/wall-3320130_14092
Still doesn’t quite top her Bizarro-Winehouse yodelling attempt from 2011 though:
http://bit.ly/1TelLJG
UK rumours have started linking Jedward to our national shortlist – as well as 2014 X Factor singer, Michael Rice.
>> Beau selector <<
Craig’s chat-up line
sec writes:
“Craig David once introduced himself to an ex and friend in a club with the line “Which one of you is going to suck my dick in the toilets?”. The friend did. Never did find out the flava.”
Matt Goss is doing a show at Wembley Arena this year, where he threatens to do covers of Hotel California and Superstition.
>> Monkey madness <<
Jacko: gone, maybe forgotten
The mystery of what happened to Jacko’s chimp Bubbles has been solved. (If you don’t remember, Bubbles was banished from Neverland when he started tugging off in front of some visiting school children and then threw his shit at some very important guests.)
Bubbles has retired to a celebrity primate ranch in Florida where he’s now best friends with an ape called Ripley, who starred in Seinfeld and Ace Ventura.
When Michael Jackson died, some journalists came and asked how Bubbles took the news. His keepers tried to explain that apes didn’t really understand such abstract concepts.
The hacks persisted, so they agreed to show Bubbles a video of the memorial. Then they asked “Did Bubbles seem sad?”
“No,” was the bemused answer.
Zayn’s solo number one bodes well. Other famous band-splitters Robbie and Geri only reached number two with their solo debuts.
>> Sorkin loser <<
Humble Apple pie
“I don’t know who Michael Fassbender is and the rest of the world isn’t going to care” – Aaron Sorkin, in the infamously leaked Sony emails of 2014.
Michael Fassbender is up for a Best Actor Bafta on Sunday for his portrayal of Steve Jobs. And then an Oscar for the same at the end of the month.
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Suited & Booted, a charity helping the homeless back into work are being made homeless themselves. Know anyone with space in London? http://bit.ly/1TebiOa
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>> Hmmms <<
Zeros, dildos, Trump
A rather strange call into BBC Radio Sussex on the demise of public lavatories (Howard, from 1:27:12):
http://bbc.in/1KHH9Ee
Error 53 is not the only problem you’ll get with iOS8:
http://bit.ly/1ouqBpp
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Thanks to: MF, LH, MK, LMES, HN, SG, majorbloodnok, monstris, C, curlywurly, domkaos, ulysses, E, star_fucker, sec
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Old Jokes Home:
Adam Johnson wants to play in the Chinese League, where Wai-Too Yeung is just a name.
But instead, following his admission of guilt, he’s been sentenced… to a three-year contract extension with Sunderland.
(Sorry, all these Adam Johnson jokes are getting a bit old. Which is probably why he doesn’t like them…)
