Maxed Out

It’s a pretty ignominious way to go out – suffering a heart attack in prison, midway through an eight year sentence for sexually assaulting teenagers, after enduring a gruelling and extremely public court case in which your micropenis was discussed extensively. But if you’re going to make ignominy your business, then that’s the risk you run.

Still, on the plus side, it means he gets his own Popbitch memorial issue to send him off.

See you down there, Max! Keep us a seat warm.

The big rumour always was that Max Clifford had a secret safe in which he kept his ‘insurance’ – i.e. all of the photos, files and hard evidence of the many stories he’s successfully quashed for his celebrity clients.

But certain parties who knew Clifford say that this isn’t quite true. The safe was actually used for storing cash. Mostly earnings from the cash-in-hand deals he struck with the more gullible (or desperate) celebs.

Wonder if the taxman knew what was in there?

We all know it’s impossible for the living to libel the dead, but is it possible for the dead to libel the living? Let’s find out!

When Clifford was invited to speak at the annual conference for the Association of Police Press Officers in 2002, he was confronted with such a small audience that he didn’t care what he said. Among the many things he told the assembled audience, he claimed that:

– Richard Gere is definitely gay

– Heather Mills used to be a prostitute

– Michael Barrymore is guilty as sin

The famous Viz letter summed it up best: “If Max Clifford’s so good at public relations, how come everyone thinks he’s a cunt?”

There’s no denying he had talent and power though – and nowhere was this clearer than in his treatment of Jade Goody. Initially famous for being thick; then more famous for being racist, Max Clifford worked tirelessly to ensure that Jade managed to end her days as a beloved Princess Of Hearts/Lady Di figure.

And if you think that’s an exaggeration, you’re maybe forgetting what the final days of Jade were like.

Across the country, radio stations are furnished with special “Obit Buttons” which are illuminated to alert the presenter to the death of the monarch. In the early 2000s, the only people deemed worthy of activating this light were the Queen Mum, Queen and Prince Charles. Not even Diana got this honour.

Yet in some regional Heart radio stations the policy was changed to allow the Obit Light to flash for Jade Goody.

Perhaps Clifford’s most famous client was Simon Cowell. Clifford certainly did a great job building Cowell’s rock-solid reputation as a ladies man – thanks to all those kiss-and-tell stories with lapdancers.

In a happy coincidence, the gentlemen’s club where Simon was lucky enough to score with so many of those lapdancers was Spearmint Rhino… which just so happened to be another of Max Clifford’s clients.

Perhaps you remember the story we told you a few months back about Tom Cruise donning silicone facial prosthetics and heading out incognito in Cannes to try to have a normal night out on the pull? Then removing the prosthetics the morning after to reveal to his unsuspecting conquests that they’d just spent the night with Tom Cruise.

The man in charge of keeping that all quiet? You guessed it…

One of Clifford’s most interesting stories revolved around former Royal butler, Paul Burrell.

Clifford insisted that Burrell had confessed everything to him, and explained that many of the trinkets and knick-knacks that were found in Burrell’s possession weren’t stolen; they were actually unwanted gifts from heads of state, discarded with disdain.

The “Burrell The Burglar” story was concocted to spare the blushes of the Royal Family, as it would be a source of great embarrassment should it ever get out that the Queen had described an expensive vase given to her by the Clintons as “a piece of useless crap” which she then gave to a manservant.

When Max Clifford got to his prison cell, he found a note waiting for him on his bunk which said, “All the bad things you have heard about prison are true”.

Who could have arranged such a nice welcome for the disgraced publicist? We can’t know for sure, of course, but most of the fingers got pointed at legendary convict, John McVicar.

McVicar had supposedly been ripped off by ol’ Maxie back in the day and he couldn’t resist a little moment of payback…

Clifford may be gone, but his spirit will doubtless live on. His work will continue to be carried out by his daughter Louise – whose own PR company, Borne Media, claims to be “following in his footsteps in terms of the business and building its reputation”.

But his name will also live on too, thanks to Kerry Katona – who named her first son in honour of his “uncle” Max. (In fairness to her, she did this before Max Sr was sent to prison for sexually assaulting minors…)

In a token nod to balance, we should point out that Max was well liked by a number of tabloid hacks and was capable of being pretty funny when the circumstances called for it.

After his client David Copperfield parted ways with his supermodel wife, Claudia Schiffer, questions were asked about the veracity of their relationship.

When Max was asked if the celebrity couple were ever actually in love, he answered “Yes certainly, David and Claudia were in love. David with David and Claudia with Claudia.”