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|_| |_|24.09.15 ISSUE 755
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* PIGGY IN THE MIDDLE!
* David Cameron Pull-out Material
* Charts: Bieber still no. 1
>> Freudian hip <<
Coolest pad in London?
We’ve got to hand it to Matthew Freud. He seems to go out of his way to style himself like a Bond villain. In his latest London mansion he’s got a panic room designed by Mossad. And, all credit to the PR man, he’s turned it into a mini-nightclub.
As if that wasn’t Blofeld enough, just outside in the courtyard, at the push of a button, the floor sinks down – and turns into a swimming pool.
New York online daters say that all the singles have migrated to Tinder and OK Cupid is now used primarily by couples to trawl for threesomes.
>> Shagged little pill <<
A good look back at Alanis
Twenty years ago a largely unknown artist came to the UK to launch her album. The label, Warners, held a big party for it – and one of the label guys dined out for a few weeks on the story that he’d taken the singer home that night and done her up the tradesman’s entrance.
Must be weird for him to see that album’s 20th anniversary re-issue on the shelves now. As that little-known singer, Alanis Morissette, went on to shift 33m copies of it.
Nominative Determinism Of The Week
Pt.1: VW board member, Olaf Lies.
Pt.2: The man who analysed the VW software, John German.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which high-profile record label boss once turned down sex with Belinda Carlisle because he had arranged a game of tennis with a sponsor?
Festival dressing rooms were even more liberally strewn with condoms this year as acts like to keep their in-ear monitors in them. (Or so they claim…)
>> Lucky, lucky, lucky <<
Joshua has certain ring
With Jennifer Aniston finally married, the paparazzi and tabloids are sniffing around for another “unlucky in love” victim to stalk. Looks like they’ve chosen to pick on poor old Kylie. She’s been pictured a lot out and about with her Galavant co-star, 27 year-old “toy-boy” Joshua Sasse. But does no-one else find it bit odd that they’re keeping such a keen eye on the couple and yet none of them has spotted the ring he wears on the fourth finger of his left hand?
http://bit.ly/1KQpIze
Or that he was talking about his wife in interviews as recently as last month?
http://bit.ly/1Fg4g6o
So either Kylie’s gone and got secretly married, or there’s a lot of photographers out there trying to make some serious mischief.
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**** PIGGY IN THE MIDDLE ****
The David Cameron Pull-Out Special
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>> Animal instincts <<
One of the great tails
The PM and the Pig is probably the third in the pantheon of great celebrity-animal fables of our time. And, much like the other two, no-one really knows or cares whether they are actually true. They just find them funny.
The most globally famous tale? Richard Gere and the Gerbil. This has been going round for decades and is based on no truth whatsoever. In fact, “gerbiling” stories became a politically motivated thing in the 80s – at the height of the AIDS crisis – as a way to discredit gay people as unsympathetic deviants.
Second? Debbie McGee and the Alsatian – though this has a little more substance. Paul Daniels himself says he’s seen the photos – though he insists they were digitally manipulated. In 1988. Onto a Polaroid.
But why do we find such filth funny? And why are we always such suckers for animal sex stories? We took a longer look at the whole mucky business.
If Cameron *did* do what is alleged, it’s neither bestiality (the animal needs to be alive) nor necrophilia (only applies to humans) by UK law.
>> Pork and beans <<
Want in on the action?
If the news this week has made you pig-curious, the zoophile forums have all the tips you might need.
GENTLEMEN! Got a sow in mind? Save yourself a small fortune in KY jelly by investing in a can of boar scent spray. The aroma will cause her to produce plenty of natural lubricant.
http://bit.ly/1Mqe6lK
LADIES! Want to get it on with a boar? You’d better be in for the long haul. It takes male pigs about 15-20 minutes to ejaculate, with three different stages to their emission. You can tell what phase they’re in by the viscosity of the semen. Need more advice? Try this:
http://bit.ly/1G3kvPb
“So many people had seen me wank it would have been prissy to say no.” The late Brian Sewell, upon meeting Salvador Dali. RIP.
>> Free jazz <<
Moving on from Supertramp
James Delingpole may have once enjoyed getting stoned and listening to Supertramp with David Cameron at Oxford, but his tastes broadened after he left college.
JD became such a fan of Soul Jazz records that he used to ring up and ask to review them for the Telegraph. Soul Jazz were not exactly chomping at the bit to be reviewed by the right-wing columnist so they refused to send anything over. In the end, he ended up sending over a courier bike to their Soho office to collect any scraps they were prepared to offload onto him.
>> Selling out Pryce <<
Journalists telling porkies
Lord Ashcroft’s co-author Isabel Oakeshott was talking to Nick Ferrari this week about the MP source of the David Cameron/dead pig story. “I will never say who gave me that story,” she told him.
Spoken like a true, fearless journalist. The same sort of true, fearless journalist who would never dream of – say – selling out her source (Vicky Pryce) and watching on as said source (Vicky Pryce) was then arrested and imprisoned.
If we were that MP, we’d be packing a toothbrush…
Commemorate this historic moment in style with some wonderful David Cameron Pig Fucker merch by Peatree Bojangles: http://bit.ly/1QyRKPP
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*** PIGGY IN THE MIDDLE ENDS ***
David Cameron Pull-Out Complete
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>> Borrell of laughs <<
Here’s Johnny! Again!
Indie music’s most pretentious boob Johnny Borrell is back! And boy, oh boy, is he the same old bundle of joy he ever was.
His new band – Johnny Borrell and Zazou – released their new single to almost total indifference in a Hackney bar last week. The gig started with a loop from the track Black God, which went on for 15 minutes until Borrell finally stepped up to the mic. He then rambled on about hating how people talked and looked at their phones at gigs.
Most interesting thing though? He’s looking exactly like a young Geoff Tipps from the League Of Gentlemen.
The Weeknd is the 10th artist ever to replace themselves as Billboard number one. (Only the Beatles did it three times running.)
>> Paid in full <<
New media cash-in
In the murky world of branded tweets (where a celeb is paid to tweet out how much they love a product) vloggers are totally cashing in.
Troye Sivan (Australian actor/singer/songwriter, social media douchebag) is one of the new breed of online influencers.
If you’d like him to mention a product or a TV show his endorsement will cost you AUD 4,000 per tweet.
That’s $28.57 per character.
Eurovision changes – the “Big 5” (inc UK) will play in the Semi Finals, although they will still be pre-qualified.
>> Roll with it <<
Sound the Yewtree alarm
The Bay City Rollers are back and heaven only knows what we have in store this time. The band’s list of achievements is already pretty extensive:
* Drummer Derek Longmuir was done for child porn.
* Flautist Billy Lyall died from AIDS.
* Manager Tam Paton served jail time for gross indecency with teenage boys.
* Lead singer Les McKeown killed someone owing to reckless driving; arrested (but acquitted) of cocaine dealing; and only managed to come in 5th in the UK heats for Eurovision 1990.
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The Big Popbitch Autumn Quiz Night! Tues 13 Oct, Smiths of Spitalfields. Only 10 tables left, so join us and compete for some excellent prizes! Email hello@popbitch.com for info or reserve your team and table now: http://bit.ly/1P2VDfv
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>> Hmmms <<
Sedaris, Morrissey, Borrell
Brian Sewell may be gone, but his voice lives on with the Brian Sewell soundboard:
http://bit.ly/IiAHie
Full review of that Johnny Borrell gig – the good bits as well as the horror:
http://www.wrightsite.co.uk
Freddy Valentine and the Soho Ghoul. A rip-snorting, comedy-horror audiobook, recorded in the depths of Soho. Written and directed by David Chaudoir. Narrated by John Vernon. Only 3GBP:
http://itun.es/gb/v0yd-
Why are kids tweeting “Fuck me daddy” at the Pope?
http://bit.ly/1LO9uD8
Have you read about Morrissey’s bulbous salutations yet?
http://bit.ly/1L7RedN
Daddy Chester used to be Adamski’s MC. Now he’s living on the streets of Camden. Help his friends get him the deposit for a flat:
http://bit.ly/1iywxuc
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Thanks to: rogermoore, C, SG, JK, theabominablehoman, BL, HW, ER, AP, kerching, AS, AF, SW, deepstoat
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Old Jokes Home:
My dog won’t play fetch with my frying-pan.
It must be non-stick.
Still Bored?
So many X Factor fix stories this year, the only way to squeeze any enjoyment out of it is to dissect the show’s mechanics. Popbitch Magazine has the full lowdown:
http://bit.ly/1bexc8Y
