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Get ready for the new Premier League season and come to Ruud Gullit’s masterclass on how to “read” a match. Ever sat at home and wondered whether being a pundit really did require any special skill? Now’s your chance to find out. 8th Sept, 6.45-8pm, London. Tickets 10% off with code POPBITCH:
http://bit.ly/2b8mFIb
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“99 per cent of people now call me The Hoff, and it’s out of respect” – David Hasselhoff
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|_| |_|11.08.16 ISSUE 798
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* Stories to start football season
* The perils of celebrity snuff
* Charts: Bieber is no 1
>> Crapper’s delight <<
Evidence of number two
It’s not just Sacha Baron Cohen’s movie-sets that have been struck by the curse of a mystery crapper. It seems that someone on the set of action thriller Bastille Day was also taking massive, smelly shits in other people’s toilets and then forgetting to flush.
In this case, it was Idris Elba’s toilet that came in for the most abuse – much to Idris’s annoyance (but to the silent satisfaction of the crew…)
Natalie Portman always remembers to flush, but is a little forgetful when it comes to washing her hands.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Bookies can always tell when which former premier league star goes on holiday with his family because of the spike in activity in his account? The longer the week drags on, the bigger and more frequent his bets get.
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The football season starts here! Last year Leicester City won at 5,000-1. Bet you wish you’d got your wager on. Try your luck this year? New accounts at William Hill get TWO free 10GBP bets with a 10GBP bet. (Use the promo code F20). Sign up here or check out your team’s odds: http://bit.ly/2bl4zAs
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>> Tabloid targets <<
The game is a-foot
The start of the new football season means that the tabloids have started to lay all their usual traps to land a juicy kiss’n’tell. A number of models (all very active on social media) have been signed up by the papers to see if they can lure certain players into doing something naughty so they can turn them over in the Sunday papers.
For years, the prize scalp was always Wayne Rooney’s, but a tabloid hack tells us that he’s no longer their prime target. Instead, they’re showing a greater interest in the other England players who screwed up this summer.
They’ll all have to watch their step in the VIP rooms this year, but the one footballer they’re keenest to find some dirt on – even though there’s currently no evidence whatsoever that he’s done anything newsworthy at all?
Tottenham’s Dele Alli.
Didi Hamann has made himself very unpopular with Liverpool fans after making Man U his main bet to win the league in his Racing Post column.
>> A novel idea <<
The perils of celebrity snuff
After helping get Popbitch off the ground, ex-Popbitcher Neil Stevenson went off to edit the legendary style mag, The Face. Things didn’t quite go to plan there though as, after 25 years, the magazine closed under his leadership.
It was a tough time, but Neil decided that he would try to salvage something from the ashes. He thought it would maybe be cathartic to write a novel, which would handily double as a way to tell a number of previously unpublishable anecdotes – like the tale of what happened when he tried to stage a photoshoot with Beyonce, naked in a fiberglass banana split.
The story started to take a rather dark turn though.
Twelve years later, there is no novel. But he did write this…
Eric Clapton is fishing in Iceland and has caught the biggest salmon of the summer so far. (28lbs, if you’re a fish fancier…)
>> App-ostates <<
iTunes v iSis
A UK record producer wanted to release a track under the name IHateIsis.
The track has been accepted happily on most platforms – like YouTube, Soundcloud and others – but iTunes refused to host it. Why? On account of the name, saying “Our policy is not to distribute content which could be seen as explicitly promoting hatred towards any individual or organisation.”
Good old iTunes, sticking up for the constantly persecuted ISIS. Digging in their heels got results too as the artist changed his name to AntiHate – just for the iTunes store.
After 15 weeks of Drake at number one Justin Bieber’s song is likely to be replaced after just one week… by another Justin Bieber song!
>> Saint David <<
Helping to handle meat
In between all the gak-hoofing and the dry-socketing, it’s nice to be able to bring you a story of a good celeb Samaritan.
One such celeb recently rushed to the aid of a butcher’s assistant outside a rather high-end butcher in Mayfair. The employee nearly came a cropper after trying to carry too many boxes at once. The guy was about to drop a huge consignment of meat all over the ground, when a mystery hand came running over and reached out to help steady the pile and carry it to safety.
It wasn’t until the two men had gently placed the boxes down on the ground that the guy saw who the kind helper was that had stopped to assist him…
David Beckham.
Dry-socket is also a dental term for alveolar osteitis – a condition that can occur after a tooth gets pulled (and sounds almost as painful as the other type of dry-socket…)
>> Who’s that? <<
Following the Doctor’s orders
Matt Smith was spotted slinking out of the toilets in Egg Club last week, looking rather furtive.
Had he been doing something naughty in there? A sneaky little love tryst? Maybe a sly bump of something or other? Perhaps he’s the phantom crapper who keeps stinking up celebrity toilets?
Erm, no. He was just trying to keep a low profile because – unlike other celebrities, who usually inspire a few whispers and a bit of pointing – people appear to have an uncontrollable and instinctive urge to shout “DOCTOR WHO!” out loud whenever they see him, and he doesn’t like to cause a scene.
FYI: We’re told that if he catches you doing it, he will put his finger to his lips and implore you to shush like an old-fashioned librarian.
If you put your finger on an otter, there will be more hairs under your finger than on an average human head.
>> Horse trading <<
Owen charms racing fans
Michael Owen was signed up by BT Sport at huge expense, but is universally derided by fans for being a hopeless pundit and a boring commentator. Poor old Michael. It seems that, like Steve Davis before him, the dull public reputation he has isn’t altogether deserved.
During this same time, he’s also been an ambassador for the Racing UK TV channel. The inside view there has been that he was an incredible asset and a delight to work with. Great value for a fee of around 30K, Michael turned up at many more racedays than he was contracted to and would always happily talk to any of their members who approached him.
Tony Hadley of Spandau Ballet is holidaying in Majorca and very much enjoying the beach. We’re told his tan is (you guessed it…) gold.
>> Comic Con-man <<
Reeling in the punters
Working the Comic Con circuit is a well-known money spinner for certain celebrities, and all sorts of cult stars absolutely coin it in by taking photos and signing pictures for fans – but it’s by no means a guaranteed payday.
Poor Julian Sands was spotted at the recent London Olympia event trying to coax passers-by over to his stall by standing up and waving to them, gesturing them in closer, and then attempting to sell them an autograph. For 15 quid.
Sadly, most of them walked right past – as they were on their way to see Mads Mikkelsen and Dolph Lundgren in the row behind him.
That new confused dot com advert – a bit weird to be using Marc Bolan’s music to sell car insurance, no?
>> Popbitch Popquiz <<
Ready to go again?
The monthly Popbitch Popquiz at Smiths Of Smithfield has been selling out in record time these last few months. We had such a blast at last night’s quiz, we thought we’d do it all again. So if you haven’t made it down yet, why not come and see what all the fuss is about?
Gossip, pop trivia, outrageous arts and crafts, with food and drink from the good people of Smiths, and hosted by our very own Tom Webb – the next night is Tuesday 13th September.
Tickets are GBP5 per person, maximum teams of six, and there’s great prizes to play for. Book your table here:
http://bit.ly/2bjxAjR
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The 2016 NFL International Series takes place this October at Wembley Stadium! With 2 games to choose from, enjoy the best seats with VIP hospitality from GBP339pp (inc VAT). To secure your tickets call Harry Thorne on 020 8795 9540 or visit: http://bit.ly/2aO45D0
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>> Hmmms <<
Toast, cats, horsehair
A dot-matrix toaster, to make your breakfast look like an old GameBoy game:
http://kck.st/2bjduGm
A campaign to change the name of Eggs & Bacon Bay in Tasmania to “something healthier”
http://ab.co/2bkW5ZN
Danny Dyer has found a new place to call a ‘proper gaff’:
http://bit.ly/2aZteJu
Windows 10 has released a big “anniversary” update – and one ebook is ready with independent help for the latest version. Lowest price this week for Popbitches:
http://ofl.me/PB0816
Fancy more dirt, more gossip and a deeper look at some of the more curious stories in the world of celebrity media? Popbitch Magazine is your perfect weekend read. For smartphones and tablets, you can get it on iOS here:
http://bit.ly/1bexc8Y
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Thanks to: JD, AM, PD, MY, LO, Fred, EB, gentlemanthug, ON, roger_mycock, J, N, JG
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Old Olympic Jokes Home:
A gymnast walks into a bar.
He gets a two-point deduction and ruins his chances of a medal.
Still Bored?
This week’s Media Masters podcast: Peter Bowes, the BBC’s man in Los Angeles talks Hollywood junkets, the US election… and OJ Simpson.
http://ow.ly/7AmS30388MJ
