The Second Serve // Lock Ups And Cock Ups

We saw a lot of wide-eyed astonishment in response to Thursday’s story about Dermot O’Leary giving Keir Starmer some media training – but it’s really not such a crazy choice. Dermot has been trying for years to get himself some work that makes better use of his degree in Media Studies and Politics, and the wisdom he’s got in polishing a public-facing persona is certainly hard-earned.

According to those who worked with him on the X Factor set, Dermot was always very critical of his own performances. Every time he fluffed something he’d often bang his head against a clipboard or some cue cards, muttering to himself “You can DO IT, Dermot. You can DO THIS.”

But he’d balance all this self-criticism with positive personal affirmations too. He kept a slip of paper under his pillow reminding him that he’s great.

With technical crew posting pictures on social media of her Las Vegas stage being dismantled, it looks like any show Adele eventually does put on at Caesar’s Palace will be starting from a totally blank canvas.

If she needs inspiration, Katy Perry’s recent show at the nearby Resorts World casino went down an absolute storm. Particular highlights included:

* Katy singing the song Last Friday Night to a gigantic cartoon turd that popped out of an oversized toilet.

* Katy squeezing a pint of beer out of her tits, which she then downed – telling the audience she needed to hydrate mid-show these days as she’s “37 now”.

* Katy dancing with a giant frog in a bikini – costumes courtesy of Zaldy (who makes RuPaul’s outfits on Drag Race and designed Gwen Stefani’s clothing line).

Beats a baggy old pond, eh?

By now you’ll have heard that one of the star attractions of Hulu’s Pam & Tommy mini-series is Tommy Lee’s talking dick. Operated by four puppeteers and voiced by Jason Mantzoukas, it might seem like a bold choice to give dialogue to the lead character’s penis – but they’re only following the source material.

Tommy Lee’s autobiography “Tommyland” is co-narrated by his penis, which interjects frequently with (spunkily illustrated) asides. We don’t know how faithfully the show sticks to the original dialogue, but some of his willy’s more notable lines in the book include:

* “You should make me your road manager, Tommy. I’m the only one who can wake you up on time.”

* “We both know that I’m the star and you’re the personal assistant; that I’m Batman and you’re Robin.”

* “If what the preacher says is true, dude, we’d be blind a long time ago.”

* “I’m like E.F. Hutton: when I talk, people listen.”

* “Yo, can I get a ham sandwich and a cigarette?”

If the Pam & Tommy series ends up being a hit, they’ve got a very easy follow-up in Paris Hilton. There’s some interesting stories to be revisited from the second era of celebrity sex tapes that she ushered in – not least because Paris’s stylist in the 2003 Simple Life/sex tape era was none other than Kim Kardashian.

One of the B-plots of the Paris Hilton story that often gets overlooked in favour of the sex tape is that of Paris’s storage unit. In 2005, Paris slipped into arrears with a storage company that was housing a bunch of her belongings. When requests for payment went ignored, the owners put the unit up for auction. It was sold blind for $2,775, whereupon the buyer discovered it contained a huge wealth of Paris’s personal items – including diaries, poetry, nudes, medical records and a mobile phone with all the numbers of her famous friends in it.

The successful bidder managed to sell the highly sensitive haul to the owners of the (now-defunct) parisexposed website for a whopping $10 million – who in turn sold access to the public at $40 a pop.

Far from having to resign herself to a life of shadowy black market criminality after that, the original bidder – Nabila Hannis – ended up being rewarded twice over. First with the £10m payout. Then with a recurring spot on hit reality series Storage Wars.

It’s a minor political blip given all that’s been going on today with the Sue Gray report, but the Serpentine Swimming Club is still trying to tidy up the mess Matt Hancock made for them by going for an unauthorised swim in the middle of Hyde Park for paparazzi.

They’ve sent out a polite but stern email to members informing them that “recent events” have resulted in a review to health and safety procedures so they don’t risk losing their license with the Royal Parks.

As well as spelling out all the usual information for members (access is strictly members only; hours are 5am-9:30am, etc) there’s one rather pointed addition to the list of club rules:

“Without advanced approval from our committee, professional photographers are not permitted in the ‘beach area’.”

The One Show’s recent poll to find the UK’s favourite BBC show reminded one reader of a story from 2004 when the BBC launched a similar poll for “Britain’s Best Sitcom”. The campaign to find the nation’s favourite comedy involved a big public vote that culminated in a series of hour-long documentaries, each focused on a different show that made the Top Ten.

The chosen contenders were mostly what you’d expect. Fawlty Towers. Only Fools And Horses. Blackadder, etc. Notably though, every single show in the Top Ten was a BBC sitcom. The highest placing non-BBC sitcom was Channel 4’s Father Ted. Apparently it was such a close run thing that the series’ production team originally contacted C4 to work out how they could license clips from the show to feature in one of the hour-long docs, but talks stalled when C4 said they’d charge a seven figure sum for the rights.

This conversation prompted a quick recount of the votes, just to make sure they’d definitely got the numbers right. And what did they find? Miraculously enough, they discovered that Father Ted had finished 11th after all, and it was the BBC’s own Vicar Of Dibley that was actually the nation’s tenth favourite. How lucky they checked!

Last week saw audio rounds themed around Boris’s Birthday Party, Songs About Other Celebs, and Songs Banned By The BBC.

This week, we’ve got another five rounds – each made up of ten snippets of songs all stitched together. You just have to identify the artists (for one point) and the titles (for a second).

Monday‘s theme: Foreign Versions – hit songs that have been re-recorded for international markets.

[Play the latest quiz here]

Calvin Harris’ side project Love Regenerator has a great new single, with the voice of Sananda Maitreya – a.k.a. Terence Trent D’Arby
[Listen on Spotify]

New York taxi drivers weigh in on whether Travis Bickle was a good taxi driver or not
[Read on Mel Magazine]

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend’s penthouse is up for sale
[For you, $18 million]

The original Pam and Tommy article from Rolling Stone that sparked the series
[Read on Rolling Stone]

The Sue Gray Report
[v1.0, at least]