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“I’m thinking about sex a lot during my free time. I have a lot of free time” – Bad Bunny |
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* Seal goes undercover
* Al-Fayed and the problem pipes
* PLUS: Sparkling horse sheaths |
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| >> Name games << |
| It’s “X” as in “X” |
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Charli XCX was delighted with her shout-out on EastEnders last week when Ricky Branning explained that Lily Slater’s baby had been named after her. Charli has since thanked the “gays in the writers’ room” for the nod, and she’ll be especially pleased they got her surname right.
One journalist who was tasked with schmoozing her a bit at a newspaper-hosted awards ceremony a few years back immediately got off on the wrong foot with her because of a confusion over her name. Not really knowing who she was, and assuming the X of XCX would share a pronunciation with “Xylophone”, they opened the chat by saying “You must be Charli Zzzyyykkchkks!”
They weren’t allowed near her for the rest of the night. |
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| Escaped prisoner Daniel Khalife has a dog called Fluffy. |
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| >> Dirty talk << |
| Getting up in the morning |
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TalkTV have confirmed their new line-up, with Jeremy Kyle and Nicola Thorp co-hosting the breakfast show.
Rehearsals for it are already underway and seem to be going well. A little too well, perhaps, as one of the bits of feedback given to Jeremy Kyle – on mic – about a recent test segment with a female guest was “Could you look a little less like you want to shag her?” |
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| Stephen Tompkinson has just been given a warning by AirBnB for his conduct on the app. He’s been sending some very curt messages on there – not entirely dissimilar to the “Sad Little Life” speech from Come Dine With Me. |
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| >> Big Questions << |
| Who’s asking what this week? |
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Which world-famous popstar has supposedly been reverse-catfishing on the apps? Instead of using their own pictures, they use ones of their assistant who is then sent to meet up with potential matches to vet them. If they pass the test, the lucky hopefuls get to spend the second half of the date with the celeb. |
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Eras: Kylie Minogue
A new podcast telling the story of Kylie’s life and iconic career, told through her era defining chapters.
[Listen now on BBC Sounds] |
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| >> Seal of approval << |
| Tracy takes Thailand |
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Seal is back out on the second half of his new world tour – a loose 30th anniversary celebration of the two classic Seal albums (I & II).
He got quite a lucky start with his touring all those years ago. According to Adamski, the two of them met shortly after Seal had finished a successful tour of Thailand with a funk-jazz group he was fronting.
Part of the reason it had gone down so well? Seal said the locals had all mistaken him for Tracy Chapman. |
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| Carly Rae Jepsen says she once shared a flight with Seal and watched him eat an entire loaf of plain gluten-free bread, slice by slice, over the length of the journey. |
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| >> Horseplay << |
| Give ’em what they want |
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Former Page 3 girl (and one-time Real Housewife Of Cheshire) Leilani Dowding has been trying to rebrand herself as a bit of a media figure and conservative commentator in recent years, but it’s clear what her audience is really after.
Leilani has a YouTube channel where she posts videos of her running a smallholding – growing plants, keeping animals, doing DIY, farming land, etc. Each video tends to get around 500-1,500 views, but there is one video that has got significantly more than that. 8.3 million views, to be exact.
The one where she demonstrates how she cleans her horse’s sheath.
[Make it 8,300,001] |
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| You’ll have likely seen Robert Peston and Ed Balls’ band Centrist Dads by now. Apparently Ed Balls had never heard Anarchy In The UK before their first rehearsal. |
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| >> Al-Hired << |
| Pipes, problems and pills |
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If we gave you the impression last week that Mohamed Al-Fayed only gave jobs to pretty women so that he could get his hands on them, we should correct that. He also gave jobs to men so he could get his hands on them too.
During one interview, a candidate had the misfortune of telling Al-Fayed that he didn’t have children. Mohamed grabbed his balls and pulled the man towards him saying “Pipes not working, eh?”, eliciting quite the yelp from the would-be employee.
He then had a young woman present the gentleman with a blue pill and sent him on his way with a wink.
He got the job. |
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| >> Broken news << |
| The curse of the terrorman |
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If you haven’t yet had the pleasure of watching Martin Daubney absolutely fall to pieces mid-show, mangling an entire minute of airtime trying to keep up with a breaking news announcement, it’s very much worth 60 seconds of your day.
And kudos to the author of an Observer feature who called this many, many years ago. In a piece they once wrote about Daubney’s editorship of Loaded, they included the immaculate line:
“There are many editors who can’t write, and many writers who can’t edit. Daubney is the first editor who can’t read.” |
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| Nominative Determinism Of The Week: One of the understudies in The Third Man at the Menier Chocolate Factory is called… Emily Goodenough. |
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| >> Snackpot << |
| The weirdness never ends |
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Piers Corbyn was spotted on the Jubilee Line on Monday afternoon, tucking into a little snack he’d brought along for the ride. A yoghurt.
Unfortunately, the typically dishevelled Piers had forgotten to pack himself a spoon. So he ate it – little by little – by tearing off pieces of the card wrapper surrounding the pot, using it to scoop up mouthfuls of yoghurt until the card got soggy. He didn’t manage to finish it all before his supply of card wrapper gave out, so had to use a business card from his pocket to get right to the very bottom of the pot.
When he alighted, he scrunched everything up into a big wet glob and put it in his pocket. |
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| Fleet Street has been abuzz this afternoon with chat that one of the weekend papers is braced to drop an explosive story we hear will open up a whole new front on #MeToo. |
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| >> Fund-a-mentalism << |
| Time for a Hip replacement? |
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Who would have thought? The Hipgnosis Songs Fund – the one that has made five years of headlines by buying up artists’ back catalogues for hundred-million dollar sums – is now having a bit of a wobble.
Behind the scenes, things are getting very stormy over at Hipgnosis HQ with a huge staff turnover, a public spat with Rod Stewart (who blew up two years of negotiations by issuing a very pissy statement about their capabilities) and an upcoming key vote next month where investors are going to be asked whether to continue the fund or to liquidate all assets.
Shocked though we are to learn that spending $200m on Justin Bieber’s back catalogue (and $140m on the Red Hot Chili Peppers’) isn’t incredible business savvy, we’ll wait and see what the shareholders decide before passing judgement. Bosses have released plans today to sell a big percentage of the catalogue to appease investors – so maybe they’ll stay the execution.
They might well get lucky too, because it’s not as if there isn’t money in old songs. Hipgnosis’s big rival, Round Hill was facing a share implosion of its own but has sold for £300m+, thanks to bringing in £29m of royalties last year on a handful of songs like All By Myself and What A Wonderful World.
Sadly, we don’t have the figures for PYD (ft. R Kelly) but it’s bound to be in a similar ballpark. |
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| Thanks to: barney, thebestnameshavegone, APW, SK, C, LAX, triflemonster, bobbifleckmann, monstris, SD, deep_stoat, TG, PG, NL, BM, PS |
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Old Jokes Home
If you were born the year that Red Red Wine came out…
UB40.
Still Bored?
There’s loads more strange celebrity tat up for auction in support of the Union Solidarity Coalition
[Full list here] |
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