After The Storm

There’s a lot to criticise the BBC for in their handling of the Cliff Richard case, but there is one truly unforgivable thing that they have yet to answer for.

They sent cameras round to televise a police raid happening at his house, but they didn’t get any footage of the huge oil painting Cliff had hanging up of him singing with Elvis Presley? What were they thinking?

Cliff and Elvis never actually performed together (he commissioned the painting himself, technically putting it in the category of ‘fan art’) but if you mention this to Cliff, he will fix your gaze and tell you very matter-of-factly that, if it wasn’t for the King’s untimely death, he “would have”.

There’s a bit of a problem in the Home Office at the minute. Ever since the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs moved into the Home Office’s Marsham Street location, the canteen hasn’t had enough metal cutlery to serve everyone, so they’ve had to start rationing it.

This has meant that DEFRA civil servants – i.e. the ones working on environmental issues – are being given single-use plastic cutlery with which to eat their meals. However, as you’ll have seen, DEFRA minister Michael Gove is currently on a bit of a public kick trying to get single-use plastic utensils banned so is bollocking anyone he catches with plastic cutlery.

Which has led to a spate of DEFRA employees trying to steal metal cutlery from the canteen, so they can eat their lunch without fear.

Which further depletes the stock, causing even stricter rationing from canteen staff.

Which Premier League chairman had a pretty disastrous fling with someone who worked directly under him? Not only did she end up resigning and fleeing to Dubai, she’s now telling all and sundry that the whole experience has turned her lesbian.

Charity dinners have long been the stomping ground of the most persistent celebrity pervs, so our deepest sympathies to the woman who got sat at a table with Hardeep Singh Kohli at a fundraising event for terminally ill kids a few years back.

Within a few minutes of sitting down, she got to experience some of his legendary banter for herself.

The setup: He asked if she would like to come to the toilets to suck him off.

The punchline: If she did it really well and “made him cum good and hard” he would then (and only then) lick her fanny.

Unsurprisingly, she demurred.

Someone who worked with Hardeep many years back, says that he invited her up to his flat for a spliff once after work.

As he was rolling, she took an admiring look through his bookshelves while he explained that he only ever read the first and last chapters of books “so I’ve got something to talk about at dinner parties”.

He then proceeded to get quite stoned, before getting a rather intense look in his eye and telling her all about the special connection that he was picking up on between the two of them. She told him she had a boyfriend, and politely reminded him that he was married with kids.

His response? “London is a city of adulterers.”

You may be wondering how it’s possible, in this post-Savile, post-Weinstein, post-#MeToo world, that someone with such a far-reaching reputation as Hardeep Singh Kohli would get booked for a show like Big Brother – the basic premise for which is him being locked in a house with multiple women for weeks on end.

It’s a reasonable question, with a long and complicated answer. Seeing as no-one else seems to be offering one, we thought we probably should.

[Read ‘After The Storm’ on Popbitch]

What’s Love Island’s Jonny Mitchell up to these days? Well, earlier this week he sent an email out to various contacts trying to drum up some work for the Instagram influencers that he’s currently representing.

In among the list of lovelies he’s trying to flog around? His own fiancée, Danielle Zarb-Cousin.

Danielle is also the sister of former Corbyn spokesperson, Matt Zarb-Cousin, who has recently made a name for himself as one of the most outspoken campaigners for gambling addiction awareness and reform. So hopefully none of the bookmakers that Jonny has just offered his sister up to take her up on a campaign, or family dinners round the Zarb-Cousinses are going to be quite stressful affairs.

We mentioned last week that Black Box had their dressing room raided and their booze pilfered at the Cool Britannia festival at Knebworth. Fingers were pointed at the Happy Mondays as being the obvious suspects, but they proclaimed their innocence – so we’ve had one of our agents head out into the field to conduct some interrogations.

They managed to extract one ‘unconvincing’ denial from a member of Dodgy, and had another confession on record (exact words: “I’m afraid so. But fuck ’em.”) So unless the Lightning Seeds or Urban Cookie Collective have anything to add, we can probably consider this case closed.

Frank Turner writes:
“Hello. Saw the story about Happy Mondays. A few years ago, I was on at T in the Park immediately after them; the stage was miles away from the dressing room complex, so there was a little holding room, a portakabin, behind the stage. We were bussed over there and killing time when the Mondays finished and came offstage, crashing into the room with us.

“Given their reputation, I was a bit apprehensive about how things would go down. In the event they were politeness itself, sweetness and light, almost apologetic for being in the room with us, and gave us the rest of their rider. Lovely.”

Want to explore a duck’s vagina? You’re in luck…
[Download VR Duck Genitalia Explorer]

Wolf Alice answer Badger v Baboon
[Read on the Guardian]

How to make a pizza in prison
[Watch on Laughing Squid]

Liz Phair’s memories of gigging with Oasis
[See on Twitter]

Sugar Gliders are the new otters
[Watch via Twitter]

Local news of the week – Denver edition
[Read on Denver Post]

Next week is our 900th issue. Please send us some nice stories so we don’t have to spend a milestone issue just talking about big creepy bastards. Thanks.