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|_| |_ 26.01.17 ISSUE 816
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* Game, set and dispatch!
* RIP The Chipping Norton Set
* Charts: Ed Sheeran is No. 1
>> Piers review <<
Shepharding star guests
If you enjoyed Piers Morgan filling his nappy to the brim when Ewan McGregor declined to appear on Good Morning Britain earlier this week, just wait until he finds out that talent bookers for GMB have been having exactly this same sort of discussion with celebrity star guests for months now.
Bookers have literally been asking agents directly if they mind their clients appearing on air with Piers and will try, wherever possible, to move good guests over to a morning when Ben Shephard is hosting instead.
If La La Land wins Best Picture at the Oscars it’ll be the fourth time in six years that the award has gone to a film about movies or acting.
>> The setting Sun <<
RIP Chipping Norton
What with David Cameron out of No.10, Jeremy Clarkson banished from the BBC, Elisabeth Murdoch and Matthew Freud split up, and Alex James now making adverts for Jacob’s crackers, the glory days of the Chipping Norton Set are long gone.
The final nail in the coffin? Rebekah Brooks has moved out and upped sticks to Kensington. The News UK boss is renting in posh West London and has been moaning to colleagues about how stamp duty is making it too expensive for her to buy.
Maybe you should get wrapped up in another hacking scandal, Bex? Surely another 16 million quid pay-off ought to cover it?
French presidential hopeful Emmanuel Macron married his teacher, who is 24 years his senior. (Didn’t Jeremy Forrest spend three years in jail for doing something similar?)
>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking?
We’ve heard about international tennis stars shacking up with sheikhs in Dubai before – but it’s never usually for free, and it’s certainly never a male player. So what we’re hearing about one well-known family man can’t really be true.
Afrika Baby Bam from the Jungle Brothers now lives in Ramsgate. KRS-One has moved to Liverpool. Do you have a hip hop star as a neighbour? firstname.lastname@example.org
>> Serena-ty now! <<
Game, set and dispatch
By demanding that a reporter apologise to her in a press conference at the Australian Open, everyone got to see just how little time Serena Williams has for anyone’s guff.
A few people had a little taster of this sort of thing at a smaller Aussie tennis tournament in Perth in 2015.
After the final match of the Hopman Cup, Serena swiftly left the venue through the back door – only stopping
to unceremoniously ditch her trophy in a dumpster on the way out.
Jamie Oliver at Davos: “I want to see Donald Trump growing some stuff, cooking some stuff. Because if not, I’m building my bunker.” The fuck?
>> Winning formula <<
Missing the bigger picture
The Scotsman newspaper got to celebrate its 200th birthday with a big BBC hagiography (The Paper Thistle) last week but we preferred this story:
“A friend there recalls calling across the room for a photograph of Ayrton Senna for a motor racing story.
“The following day the paper appeared with his Formula One scoop – and a lovely colour picture of Ayr town centre.”
Paleontologists in China have uncovered fossilized remains of a species of ancient otter as big and heavy as wolves.
>> Eurovisionary <<
Let’s not fuck it up, eh?
Undeterred by last year’s wash-out, the BBC have decided to give the public another chance at picking our Eurovision entry for Kyiv 2017. They’ve given us quite the selection of ex-X Factor contestants to pick from – but is there anything in there that could play well with the crowds?
We’ve always maintained a song in D minor, with no key changes, which avoids the tempo marking of 128bpm gives a song its best shot. And though we don’t have an entry that gives us all of that, there is one song which looks like our clear pick.
Which song? Take a look:
Nom Det Of The Week: The director of A Dog’s Purpose (currently in hot water with PETA over on-set footage seeming to show cruelty to a German shepherd)… Lasse Hallström!
>> Oh, Kaye <<
Memories of Gordon
“Met Kaye once. He was promoting a play he was on tour with at a local radio station. While he was there, a young producer saw his cock in the toilets because he waved it at him, and also managed to reduce his own PA to floods of tears. Nightmare.”
“Can confirm he was a rude tosser who was so belittling to me on the phone (when I was new to the industry) that anytime I was asked to book him afterwards, I just said he was unavailable. Shame about that big Beaujolais campaign he couldn’t do…”
Gerald Glaister (who created Secret Army – the show Allo Allo spoofed) hated the show so much he used to take 10 minute detours to avoid walking past Allo Allo’s studio.
>> Nick Cave watch <<
A chance meating in NZ
Nick Cave was in Wellington this week for a show. While he was there, he popped into Aunty Meena’s vegan cafe last Tuesday.
He was about to order, but then stopped before asking: “Oh, this doesn’t have meat in it?”
“No, it’s all vegetarian and vegan,” was the answer.
“OK,” said Nick. And left.
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>> Empty pocket man <<
Just about still standing
It’s been little more than a year since David Furnish took control of husband Elton John’s businesses – but the new CEO hasn’t been able to oil the wheels of commerce as much as he may have hoped.
The Sun reports that Elton’s businesses have taken out a 21 million pound loan (with Elton providing personal
security on it) and a quick look through their 20-odd businesses at Companies House hasn’t turned up too man
that look particularly healthy.
His last album didn’t do well, there’s no sign of anything new on Universal’s 2017 slate yet, and much of his famous catalogue publishing rights were sold off during previous financial hiccups. They’ve still got the Caesars Palace residency, but the main source of funds seems to come from Russian oligarchs who want to
hear Candle in The Wind at their party (and there just aren’t enough billionaires in the world with a taste for
M.O.R piano music to cover Elton and David’s legendary outgoings…)
Let’s just hope that juicy autobiography he promised sells well then, eh?
The BBC keeps one VHS player for David Attenborough, as he finds it easier for going through animal footage. They convert the digital film to analogue for it.
>> Cockwatching <<
A band with huge promise
Brit indie band Blossoms are currently most famous for having the lowest selling number one album ever. Their self-titled debut sold 7,948 copies one week last year.
We may be able to help them lose this small-time image though, as someone has been repeatedly emailing to tell us that their bass player, Charlie, has the biggest cock in rock since Iggy Pop.
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>> Hmmms <<
Dogs, synths, Chewbacca
The Dutch welcome Trump:
A beginner’s guide to the synth:
Sad dogs outside shops:
A weird supercut of Scorpions intros on California stages:
Stuck for a Valentine’s gift? Lovehoney’s Desire Sex & Chocolate Gift Box is perfect for 14th February.
Chewbacca with Sid James’ laugh:
John Wick, soundtracked by Michael Jackson’s yelps:
One of our Eurovision acts did a song with MC Neat:
Media Masters podcast – this week, Eleanor Mills (Editorial Director of the Sunday Times) talks about the now-infamous Theresa May ‘trousergate’ interview: