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“I do have a problem with alcohol. I become too friendly.” – Danielle O’Hara
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_| 17.07.14 ISSUE 699
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* Firehouse or damp squib?
* Wedding balls for Cheryl
* Charts: Rixton V Scherz for no 1
>> Wedding balls <<
Cheryl and red-tops celebrate
Amazing things do just happen to celebrities. On Sunday Cheryl “Cole” woke up to awkward headlines about tax avoiding. One day later they’d disappeared, replaced by stories about her Mustique wedding! And it would surely shut up all those CHIM-shippers at the same time, eh? It’s a shame with all this free publicity she doesn’t have anything to promote. Well, it’s not until next week that the new single comes out, after all.
And to everyone sneering that she married someone she met three months ago at Cannes Film Festival (which was, er, two months ago) perhaps new husband, JB Fernandez-Versini will fit into Cheryl’s world better than we think. People claim they’ve seen photos of him on the Instagram of Cheryl’s best mate, Janine Lazard, around Xmas. Coincidentally Cheryl was spending Xmas in Cape Town with Janine too. (She’s the blond one in this photo of Cheryl and JB in Cannes).
And remember a couple of years ago when the Tom Bower biography of Simon Cowell came out? It ended with Simon dating a Brazilian socialite, Ana Paula Junquiera. And who is this photographed out on the town with Ana Paula that same summer – why it’s JB! Mr Cheryl Cole himself. Simon and Cheryl are working on the new series of X Factor together, but they wouldn’t need any tabloid/PR help to promote that, would they?
See Photos
Dakota Fanning is the 21st cousin of Kate Middleton. Both are descended from King Edward III.
>> Big Questions <<
Who wants to know what?
Photos of which World Cup final WAG have been touted around in the last week showing her enjoying the attentions of a man other than her husband? It seems she and her friend used a hotel iPad to record their fun and games and didn’t remember to delete the evidence.
Dennis Nilsen was Will Self’s dole officer.
>> Michelin Barred <<
Firehouse is a damp squib
Haven’t managed to get yourself a table at hot celeb hangout, Chiltern Firehouse? Don’t worry. Aside from getting papped by overeager Mail photographers, apparently you’re not missing a great deal. Last Saturday the celeb count seemed to start and end with Pearl Lowe and Lily Allen’s Mum. Even celeb chef Nuno Mendes didn’t seem to be around.
A Michelin-starred chef tells us he visited a few weeks back and found himself refused service. The reason? So much money had been spent on PR and publicity that there wasn’t much left to spend on decent ingredients. And so, rather than send out a poor meal to a well-respected peer, the embarrassed chef on duty suggested he eat elsewhere.
FYI: There’s a secret “celebs-only” bar in the hotel. It had a DJ playing 70s funk, and drinks cost around 20 quid each.
Historical Gruesome Twosome: Dusty Springfield and Dionne Warwick.
>> To Havers and have not <<
“Paedo cover-up” and the Rolling Stones
Currently famous for being Attorney General when the Dickens Dossier went missing (a.k.a the UK Government Paedo Files), the late Lord Havers’ previous claim to fame was pretty good too.
He was the defence barrister for Mick Jagger and Keith Richards in their drugs trial.
FYI: Nigel (son of Lord) Havers will not autograph any photo of him, or anyone else in promotional photos, if they are pictured smoking.
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>> Fight or flight? <<
BBC v ITV lounge rematch
Fraught scenes in Rio’s airport lounge on Monday. The ITV World Cup team (led by Chiles and Hoddle) got into the lounge first and huddled down at one end. The BBC team arrived a little later and, presumably wishing to avoid an Anchorman-style face-off, Lineker and Rio elected to stand at the furthest possible point from Chiles and co. Even though that meant having to loiter by the toilets.
Other titbits from Club Class:
* Alan Shearer “looked like he’d put his head under a hot grill”
* Gary Lineker needed extra help from the air stewards to sort his seat out before landing
* Andy Townsend was very polite but Billy No-Mates – seemed to be completely on his own
* No sign of Chiles – perhaps he travels first class?
* Alan Hansen waited for all the TV crew in Economy so he could thank them and shake their hand
* Glenn Hoddle didn’t want to use the E-Passport gates so joined a massive queue to go through normal gates
One reporter on the flight was overheard talking to Phil Neville about not being able to sleep on flights. The conversation with Phil Neville hopefully sorted him out.
>> Kiss and sell <<
Geographical determinism
It’s still political paedo season. This week’s Sunday Mirror had “former Conservative Party activist” Anthony Gilberthorpe’s claims he provided “child prostitutes for a sex and drugs party for top politicians”. According to the paper Gilberthorpe “decided to finally break his silence because he fears an Establishment cover-up”.
Well, perhaps. But Gilberthorpe was trying to sell the Mirror this story as far back as 1987. They didn’t go for it then. Now, however, everyone named in it (Thatcher and four politicians) are all dead. And therefore can’t sue for libel. Which may or may not have something to do with the change of heart.
He might have been rebuffed in the 80s but Gilberthorpe had more fruitful dealings with the Sunday Mirror in the 90s. He was the bloke who set up the video-recorded sting to catch his friend Piers Merchant, the Tory MP who was having an affair with 18 year old “nightclub hostess”, Anna Cox. According to press at the time, “a figure of around pounds 25,000 was negotiated.”
To the Israeli Twitter user who’s been asking us to tell Rihanna to shut up over Palestine… she doesn’t always listen to us these days, sorry.
>> Poor Lamb <<
Seems like a meaty position
Richard Bacon isn’t the only radio DJ who hands over the controls of his Twitter account for the duration of his show.
Broadcast assistants at the BBC are often tasked with monitoring the social media streams so presenters only see the good quotes and none of the insults.
Apparently the job has become markedly easier at 6Music since no-one has to deal with the daily onslaught of people calling George Lamb a cunt any more.
A newspaper ad for the Duke of Northumberland’s Alnwick Castle’s Splash! Water event invites people to come along “and wet yourself”.
>> Baboon wins! <<
Everyone but Cameron answers question
Perhaps bored with celebrities getting the only say in the age-old debate, “Who Would Win In A Fight Between A Baboon and a Badger?”, polling company YouGov commissioned a proper poll of British Adults this week. And these are the results.
20% “Badger”
59% “Baboon”
21% “Don’t Know (wimps)
* Lib Dem voters more likely to vote baboon than tories.
* Men are heavily Team Baboon (64%).
* Women had more time for the badger (24% to 54% baboon)
* Also more heavily team baboon – ABC1s.
* Scotland is way more Team Baboon than the rest of the country. Does this give any indication for how they’re going to vote in the referendum?
Popbitch’s favourite organist is York Minster’s.. David Pipe!
>> Fat tongues <<
Jamie Oliver’s Army
Did you see ‘The Men Who Make Us Spend’ – the series exploring how advertising, marketing, brands and celebrities have turned us into consumer drones? It was fronted by Jacques Peretti, who also made ‘The Men Who Made Us Fat’, about our food-obsessed culture and why we all can’t stop eating.
Peretti is managed by Fresh One – a company founded and wholly owned by who? Why, none other than one-man brand and persistent food-pusher… Jamie Oliver!
FYI: Jacques was also the producer on ‘The World’s Biggest Penis’. Make of that what you will.
George Clarke (from C4’s Amazing Spaces) has a habit of stealing the jokes that builders on the show make and passing them off as his own on the next take.
>> Bolton & Doh <<
Lack of border contol
MB writes:
“Spotted yesterday at St Pancras station, Adam Boulton getting stroppy with UK Border staff. Boulton thought he was too important to queue and was told to “calm down” by the customs officer. While he waited to be sniffed by the dog Boulton threw down his bags like a petulant child much to the amusement of us fellow passengers and the customs officers. He hissed at them “Oh, just get on with it”, but was wished a nice day by the customs officer as he stropped off towards his train. It was a great show and made my morning.”
FYI: Frog-faced Adam Boulton, swallowing a fly live on air:
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Back by popular demand – cabaret star CHRISTEENE at Soho Theatre for four nights only. She’s already charmed Boy George and Adam Curtis so go see what the fuss is about: 5GBP off (tickets only a fiver some nights)
Code = “fuggin”.
http://www.sohotheatre.com/whats-on/christeene-the-christeene-machine/
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>> Hmms <<
Links and more links
2. A crowd-funded sequel to Breaking Bad? With Val Kilmer and Slash?
3. Local news story of the week
5. Competition time! Meet Union J on Saturday at 4 tickets for Popshack at IndigoO2.
6. Why has restaurant service become twice as slow in 10 years? (Spoiler: because customers are dicks)
7. How football fans are shat on by clubs and TV: