Bedroom Burrito

Dan Wootton’s dramatic downfall these past 48 hours has drawn some fitting comparisons to Al Capone getting done for tax evasion.

All of a sudden he’s persona non grata at GB News – not because of the multiple, well-sourced allegations of serious sexual misconduct and workplace harassment that have clouded him for months; but because he sat grinning gormlessly, like a wallaby getting its balls tickled, as one of his guests delivered a hugely sexist rant unchecked.

However, there was a little more going on behind the scenes. Even though on screen he might have just looked hopelessly out of his depth, the reason Wootton has incurred the wrath of his bosses is because he was repeatedly and actively ignoring multiple management commands.

From the start of Fox’s rant, the voice in Dan’s earpiece was telling him to stop Fox, to push back and apologise – but he tuned it out. Then one of the senior bods drafted an apology for him to read out after the item – and he skipped past it on the autocue.

Then the top brass were on the phone to the studio, insisting Dan apologise on air – and he just didn’t.

If you’re worried that all this Ofcom complaint commotion is going to be a distraction that allows Dan Wootton to slink off into obscurity, avoiding having to account for any of the many allegations of sexual catfishing and online predation that he leaves in his wake – here’s a little something that might soothe you.

When whispers started swirling in media circles that the ST and Dispatches were working on an investigation together that was going to cause massive shockwaves through the industry, Dan was convinced it was going to be about him – and was absolutely shiteing it.

Which singer has got a very dirty bedroom game she likes to play with her hook-ups? After sex, she offers to make them a “Bedroom Burrito” – which is when she tucks them up in their bedsheets really, really tight.

And then, while they’re wrapped, goes and takes a shit on the bed in their spare room.

In last week’s issue, we wondered if Russell Brand’s former manager Hannah Chambers is always this quiet – or if she’s just choosing to keep a tactically low profile right now.

Now we have our answer. Hannah appeared on an episode of Sophie Ellis Bextor’s parenting podcast earlier this year, and seemed only too happy to chat about all sorts of topics. Like the time she once breastfed her puppy.

Michael Gambon was once invited as a guest of honour, alongside Princess Margaret, to some fancy toff’s house for a gargantuan slap-up dinner. There, guests were treated to 13 individual courses – with a different wine pairing for each one.

After such an extravagantly indulgent binge, Gambon began to feel a little queasy. Figuring (wisely) that he might not make it through his host’s massive house before he chucked his guts, he instead got up and staggered towards the fireplace to spew.

His host, spying an impending disaster with his very valuable antique hearth rug, dashed to intercept. He effectively rugby tackled poor Gambon out of the rug’s way – causing Gambon to throw up right there on the spot – resulting in the pair of them landing on the floor in a heap of vomit and tuxedo.

Meanwhile, Princess Margaret didn’t bat an eyelid.

Clearly Danny Macklin – the AFC Wimbledon MD who resigned in disgrace this week – was hoping he’d be able to keep a bit of a lid on his reason for leaving.

Obviously it’s pretty embarrassing to leave your job after getting caught on tape calling one of your female employees a “slag” and a “slut”, hoping you could “put her through a fucking window”.

Which is why, before the news broke, he was telling people the reason he was no longer able to attend any upcoming meetings he had was because he “had Covid”.

Ever wondered how GB News became such a magnet for headbangers? It wasn’t supposed to be that way.

Paul Marshall’s original plan had been to set up a serious conservative news channel, which offered considered right-wing commentary and opinion. Right up until the point the woke mob came for his banjo-playing son, Winston.

Seeing his boy wrapped up in a media storm caused the red mist to descend over Daddy’s eyes – and he has since OK-ed every shift into full-on wing-nut territory as a result.

Yet another of the world’s ills we can blame on Mumford And Sons.

Michael Owen has got himself a bit of a reputation as a cinephobe, claiming that he hates films and the handful he’s seen (Rockys I-V, Ghost, Seabiscuit, Cool Runnings) he’s only seen through coercion.

We’ve always taken him at his word on this, but now we’re not so sure. It’s recently come to our attention that he’s seen at least one other film that he always leaves out whenever he trots out his list. 2005’s scoreless draw, Goal.

He didn’t just watch it: he attended the premiere, where he was photographed with Anna Friel. And it wasn’t all a photo op. He sat through the entire thing without complaint. And he obviously enjoyed it enough to agree to appear in the sequel – Goal 2.

So what else is Michael Owen hiding? hello@popbitch.com

We’ve been enjoying some of the stories from a new biography of forgotten Britpop hopefuls, Electrasy – especially the tales of how they pissed off P Diddy.

The band were once forced by their management to appear on MTV as Diddy’s backing band for a performance of his dismal Led Zep rip-off, Come With Me. Diddy was such an obnoxious bellend to the band when they met, that they decided to have a little fun with their performance.

One of the more successful sabotages was guitarist Steve’s idea to dangle a banana from the neck of his guitar. The swinging fruit bewildered the camera crew and the audience – who kept focusing on it, instead of Diddy.

But the bit that really caused him to blow his top happened right at the end. Having deliberately played slightly out of time for the entire song, the band all put down their instruments just before the end of the performance and walked straight off stage.

Beatbox with famous speeches
[DJ Phonetic]

A Spotify playlist of Czech pop covers
[Phenomenal]

Stop Making Sense: An Oral History
[Read on The Ringer]

Local News Of The Week: Naked Poo-Faced Man Edition
[Read on Stoke Sentinel]

Excellent trolling on the Twitter Community Note under Dan Wootton’s apology, deliberately misspelling his name to boil his piss
[A bit of fun]

Still Bored?
Some great stories from Eternal’s old management team – inc. one of the finest resignation letters of all time
[Read on Twitter]