Big Booty Gove

If you think we’re going to use the footage of Michael Gove dancing weirdly in an Aberdeen nightclub as some jumping-off point to talk about his knob, or his cocaine use, or his urinal etiquette, or his divorce, or his sexual patter, or the utterly pitiful fact that he tried to namedrop his position as the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster as a way to get out of paying a fiver to get into a club – we’re not.

Why would we, when we could tell you instead that one of the tunes Gove was filmed flapping about to on the dancefloor was an instrumental mix of a song called “Big Booty Hoes And Sluts Too”.

[Listen here]

With all the drama of transfer day, it can be hard to keep track of all the latest figures and deals flying around. One particular exec at a big club was clearly hoping to use this commotion to their advantage, but people have started to notice a curious eight-figure discrepancy bubbling up on the books.

At least three unlikely summer transfers are now under the microscope, including one in which the club ended up paying £20m more for a player than the selling club asked for – and it’s not immediately clear where the remaining balance might have ended up.

As there doesn’t seem to be a satisfactory answer forthcoming, we’re told we can expect a big resignation (or “mutually agreed departure”) to take place before too long.

Which constantly-embattled journalist risks yet another controversy if the photos of him dressed as Vicky Pollard trying to self-administer an intimate douche ever find a national audience?

Lee “Scratch” Perry was a colossus of reggae and dub; a visionary pioneer whose endlessly inventive imagination has left behind an incredible legacy and body of work.

And like any good visionary pioneer, he was absolutely chock-full of quirks too. He was famous for blowing weed smoke into his mixing desk to imbue it with mystical properties, and spritzing his master tapes with a cocktail of whisky, blood and piss to enhance their spiritual fidelity.

But his most peculiar one? In order to maintain his connection with nature, Lee used to like to shit into champagne glasses – and then place those glasses in cabinets throughout the house.

Much to the bafflement of his wife.

The final track on Nick Cave’s recent lockdown album is called ‘Balcony Man’ – a title that raised a few knowing chuckles among his Brighton neighbours. Nick has become a very familiar presence during the pandemic, looming over their street from his balcony while he takes in the view or taps away at his computer.

He often says hello to passers-by and many residents live in hope that one day they’ll be the ones chosen for a little chit-chat with their famous neighbour.

So our heart goes out to the woman from down the road who walked past recently as Nick was out taking the air. “Good morning!” he called as she passed. Delighted at having been picked finally, she looked up beaming and shouted back, “Good morning! How’s it going up there?”

At which point Nick turned, looked down at her and pointed to the phone he was holding to his ear…

Celebrity response to the recent earthquake in Haiti has been much more muted than it was in 2010. They haven’t even made one star-studded music video this time around, let alone two. But maybe that’s why?

The original video for the Helping Haiti cover of Everybody Hurts saw a number of the featured artists filmed in the studio, unpolished and unstyled as they recorded their lines – intertwined with footage from the ground in Haiti. It was simple, understated and effective. The only problem was that it didn’t feature any of the big-name American talent.

When it came to involving them, Mariah Carey made it clear she didn’t much fancy being filmed in a tracksuit without any make-up. Instead, she took her footage in a different direction: making eyes at the camera, holding a single rose and posing like she was shooting a Vanity Fair cover.

Unable to seamlessly slot this footage into the existing video (not without making Mariah look insane, at least) the decision was taken to throw a bunch more money at the project to make a second, entirely new video where everyone else would follow Mariah’s lead and go full glam for it.

P writes:
“I invited some family to see the Stones on their Bigger Bang Tour. Charlie Watts used to eat in Crew Catering and would just chum around with whomever, so I warned my family not to freak out if he walked in (and also not to eat any of the food, as that’s the crew’s only chance to eat).

“They were sitting quietly when Charlie Watts walked in. He clocked they were someone’s family and asked would they mind if he sat down with them. He chatted with them and asked if they wanted any food. They explained they understood it was for working crew only etc. ‘Oh,’ he said, ‘but there’s plenty. There’s always leftovers – and the desserts are exceptional.’

“He got up, filled a few plates and served it to them. He then excused himself and said ‘I’ve got to get to work,’ then smiled, ‘…you know’ – pointing to the direction of the stage.”

Last week, we mentioned Steve Wright’s habit of swilling brown Listerine and TCP at work and spitting it into the bin, which leaves a rather noticeable surgical scent hanging in the air of his studio. It’s not the only distinctive aroma of Steve’s.

Colleagues who once took a work trip abroad with him were astonished at how lightly he packed. While they all humped large suitcases across the airport, Steve had somehow managed to get everything he needed into one small bag.

His trick soon became clear. He hadn’t packed any changes of clothes, instead choosing to douse his one outfit in Febreeze every night for the duration of the trip.

Michael Gove got in a fair bit of hot water last year when Sarah Vine tweeted some pictures of their bookshelves, showing off a few contentious titles.

Now that they’re splitting up and the marital home has hit the market, the estate agent’s listing has some pretty high-definition photos of the house’s interiors – including all of their bookshelves. The book that really caught our eye?

A rather prominently displayed copy of the salacious David Cameron pigfucking biography, Call Me Dave.

Is Kanye’s new album better than Peppa Pig’s?
[Pitchfork doesn’t think so]

Peter Hook is selling off some Joy Division/New Order artefacts
[Take a look]

Have an AI make a mashup of any two songs you want
[rave.dj]

Charlie Watts had one of greatest Nick Cave spots of all time
[As told by Nick Cave]

Fancy a Stubbs Coffee Table?
[Sadly, not glass topped]

Earth, Wind And Frasier
[No explanation; none]

In honour of Geronimo…
[Pokemon as alpacas]

The story of Mr Blobby
[Read on Vice]

A sommelier reviews celebrity wines from Snoop Dogg, Madonna, Post Malone, etc
[Watch on YouTube]

The weird story of the Proud Boys’ lawyer who didn’t show up to court this week is unfolding right now in real time
[Follow on Twitter]

Still Bored?
Nostalgic for the old internet?
[Websites From Hell]