For fans of Nordic Noir:
Next Thursday evening find out everything there is to know about the fabulous Saga Noren from the Bridge. Come see Sofia Helin, who plays her in the series, discuss the show with Mariella Frostrop, 11th September, in London. VIP tickets are available. All details here:
“I’ve done things I didn’t think it was possible for a human to do” – Paul Ross
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|_| |_| 04.09.14 ISSUE 705
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* Shiloh switches gender
* Big, fat, smoking men
* Charts: Duke Dumont is no 1
>> Orange is not the new Dee <<
Ferreting around for the truth
The location of the next series of Benefits Street came out as being in Stockton-on-Tees last week. The press pack descended and decided Dot, the one woman who’d actually speak to them, was going to be the new White Dee. They splashed her all over the papers, dubbing her Orange Dee due to her skin colour.
Only her skin tone is actually due to her Indian/Spanish heritage rather than fake tan or sun beds. Reverse ferrets all round!
Last night at Kate Bush – Tom Odell, Bat For Lashes and – arriving too late to hear Hounds of Love – keen foxhunter Otis Ferry.
>> Bomb diggy <<
Old skool Islamist hoaxes
It’s been 13 years since the first hoax “stay out of central London” messages started to go round. The hoax texts this week to stay off the tube were pretty boring. Hoaxes used to be a lot more creative in the old days. Remember this one?
“Friend of a friend was in the post office, a gentleman who looked a bit Arabic in front of them in the queue didn’t have enough money to post his parcel so said friend of friend gave him the extra money. Thanks he says, much appreciated. In return, he says, I will give you this advice. Please stay out of central London tomorrow, and he rushed off.”
Weird on X Factor: When dismissing Hip, from Kitten & The Hip, for being too old, no-one mentioned he was Ashley from Freak Power – famous for a top 5 single.
>> Meow Then, Meow Then <<
Issue Six of Popbitch Mag
Issue Six of Popbitch Magazine is out today and contains a load of great new material.
If you haven’t tried it yet, you really should. It’s filled with loads of the stuff we just can’t fit in the newsletter and it’s available for practically every smartphone (iPhones and Android), as well as iPads and Nexus and Kindle Fires and all sorts of tablets.
IN THIS ISSUE:
* Bareback-Hacking: You thought Paul Ross’s gay meow meow orgies sound crazy? You should see what some internet identity thieves are getting up to…
* Can You Kill Your Career? We’ve never seen so many celebrity criminals as we have recently, but can anyone really put their career in jeopardy?
* Japanese Underpants Superhero Movies: Nice one, Japan!
* Tom Hanks’ Pissing Championships: An illustrated study
PLUS: Scandal at Junior Eurovision, wombat murder and all manner of cartoons, jokes and gossipy stories.
Just £1.49 for an issue and cheaper subscription deals.
Oddest email of the week: “Rupert Murdoch has ‘very large hands'”.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what
Which chubster footballer didn’t get the move that so many people were hoping for this transfer window? Perhaps it’s something to do with the rumour going round that his fitness has suffered from a boom-bust weekly cycle. Cocaine for the weekend clubbing activity, followed by KFC for the comedown.
Quite possibly the best way to mark 9/11 this year is to go to the Isle of Man and watch The Jacksons (inc Tito, Jermaine, Jackie and Marlon) play their classic hits. They promise that Michael Jackson will be playing a large role “via video footage”. Spooky!
For more information about the Isle of Man and to buy tickets (obviously the right thing to do):
>> Sons and daughters <<
Celebrity wedding surprises
Actors are funny creatures, aren’t they? They claim to want to protect their privacy, go to all the trouble of having a secret wedding – then sell their wedding pictures to the celebrity weeklies.
The most interesting piece of the Brangelina wedding coverage, however, was in the Times. They decided that Angelina’s traditional white dress was a “retrograde step” and instead chose to admire the fashion sense of the couple’s young ring-bearer, “Shiloh, the couple’s eight year old son… in a suit top hat and shorts”.
That’s Shiloh Pitt, more usually known as the couple’s eight year-old daughter.
Jessica Simpson’s sister, Ashlee, has just married Diana Ross’s son.
>> Reddit and weep <<
So shit… Sherlock
Sherlock fans on the internet are not a hard bunch to please. All most of them seem to want from life is to watch looped GIFs of Benedict Cumberbatch touching his temples.
So for Andrew Scott – the actor who plays fan-favourite Moriarty – an “Ask Me Anything” interview on Reddit should have been a cakewalk. Sadly, he was so utterly boring he managed to piss off even the most blindly devoted follower.
It’s not hard to see why. Here are some examples of his rip-roaring Q&A:
Q: What do you think is Ireland’s most significant contribution to TV and film?
A: Its writers.
Q: So… the 70s, 80s or 90s?
Q: What are you working on after Pride, any plans to go on stage?
A: I’m gonna take a bit of rest for a bit.
Still, there’s a tiny crumb of consolation for Andrew. This was only considered “Third Worst” AMA. Woody Harrelson and Morgan Freeman beat him for that prize.
“Most read” on BBC News website yesterday: Sex Abuser “too fat for prison” (from 2009) / Sex Abuser “not too fat for prison” (from 2010)
>> The skinny on Cirque <<
A big fat night out in Dubai
Cirque Le Soir enjoyed the rather dubious distinction of being called “Britain’s most decadent nightclub” by the Daily Mail after it opened in London. Its worked very hard to keep up that brand image as it opened in Dubai and Shanghai too.
One of the things the club does is set image guidelines for any media wishing to cover it. Some of the rules from the Dubai style guide include:
* A no fatties/skinnies policy: “Do not capture images of overweight or underweight guests”
* Lad mag-hetero sexism: “No pictures of groups of guys” / “Posing images need to be 80% female and 20% male”
* No smoking: “No pictures of guests with cigarettes”
* Champagne sensibilities: “No pictures with guests holding bottles of beer”
So if you want to see big, fat, smoking men chugging back beers, you’ll have to head down there to see it for yourself.
Galbani is the world’s biggest mozzarella maker. Its American head office is in… Buffalo!
>> Back to school <<
A true Eurovision legend
As the new school year begins, we return to our occasional series of pop-stars-turned-teachers.
Martin Isherwood is currently Head of Music at the Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts.
And who is Martin Isherwood? He’s most famous for writing “Cry Baby” for Jemini, that infamously abysmal UK entry for Eurovision 2003.
Unsurprisingly, his school nickname is ‘Nil Points’.
‘Famous’ LIPA music graduates? Christian from A1, The Wombats and Sandi Thom.
>> State of play <<
Making money from online news
“Further to your piece last week. Click on the story of Steven Sotloff’s claimed beheading by Islamic State at the ABC news site and you get an ad for the Royal Marines, where they kidnap someone, run around with guns, and finish with the strapline ‘It’s a STATE of mind’. Somebody somewhere, with a salary, agreed that was an appropriate idea.”
YouGov polled people who want the death penalty re-introduced on their cultural tastes. They like Only Fools and Horses, Top Gear and Amanda Holden.
>> Led Balloon <<
Worst. Merch. Ever.
In a move that will delight precisely zero rock fans, Led Zeppelin are collaborating with a middle-of-the-road suitmaker to bring out a range of scarves.
You can now buy a Paul Smith scarf especially designed to commemorate each album. Because anyone who was blown away by Led Zeppelin III surely needs to see it “depicted with a combination of boucle and merino wool to exquisite effect”.
Looks like John Bonham had the right idea.
Interesting tweet from @JackofKent: 2013: 514,608 RIPA requests for telecoms etc data – near media silence. 2014: telecoms records of journalist obtained – media sensation!
>> Hmms <<
Savile, ISIS, Bieber
Thanks to: monstris, mikeisbrill, T, NB, PD, SG, DK, drunken_boht, amttinthehat, SW, LMES
Old Jokes Home
Q/ What do you get if you cross a financial adviser with a Richard Curtis movie?
A/ Love Actuary.
Like your jokes weirder than that? Check out the Popbitch magazine for some recommendations: