Björk’s Big Crypto Haul

Ever since the South Yorkshire Police accidentally signed him up to Club Yewtree by staging a televised raid of his house live on the BBC, Cliff Richard has spoken at some length about the distress and devastation the incident caused him.

So perhaps it will bring him some peace to know that his suffering wasn’t completely in vain, as others are now benefiting from his ordeal. Why, just this week media lawyers were dusting off the old case of Richard v The BBC & SYP [2018] in an attempt to stop journos from reporting the identity of their newest client.

The QC whose dog murdered Freddie The Seal.

As musicians and artists all rush to board the non-fungible token train, tripping over themselves to release their new work as NFTs, they should maybe take a second to remember that not every single crypto fad is a guaranteed success.

There was an excellent story in Record Of The Day this week about Bjork’s album Utopia. When Bjork released it in 2017, it came with bonus cryptocurrency. Fans who have managed to hold on to the 100 Audiocoins she gave away with each copy are now the proud owners of cryptowallets worth a grand total of 4p.

Which TV hotshot has been slightly undermining all the hard work that’s gone into making their show Covid-safe and regulation compliant – by getting completely off their face and shagging a load of the extras?

It’s not uncommon for a certain type of media dickswinger to assume a fake identity in order to take care of some of their more illicit extracurricular activities. Donald Trump used to call news desks as “John Barron”, for example. Max Clifford used to arrange his sex parties with the alias “Terry Denton”.

For a while now we’ve been hearing some well-sourced whispers that there’s someone working in the UK media who has outsourced some of their more sketchy work – including the odd spot of attempted blackmail – to a secret second identity: “Martin Branning”.

We’re keen to know a little more about it all, so if you’ve ever had the pleasure of dealing with “Martin”: hello@popbitch.com

Orlando Bloom’s ‘A Life In The Day’ column from the weekend’s Sunday Times has been dragged so hard this week you can practically see daylight through it. If you haven’t read it yet, Orlando details just how parodically LA his life has become – what with his collagen powdered breakfasts, his brain octane oil, his days spent dreaming of roles for minorities and women, etc…

The whole piece is a treasure trove of quotes, but reading it reminded us of the charming chat-up line he was heard using in the bars of Wellington, while out there filming Lord of the Rings: “Suck my cock. I’m going to be famous and you’ll wish you had.”

If any of them have read that column, they’ll be wishing they hadn’t.

Back in 2005, Gwyneth Paltrow held a charity screening of Annie Hall at the Electric Cinema in Notting Hill for all of her celebrity friends. After the screening, Annie Lennox was sat at the bar enjoying a drink, when an overzealous young man came over to tell her what a huge fan he was of her work.

Ms Lennox was clearly not in the mood for conversation and, in a few choice words, told him to fuck off and leave her alone to enjoy her drink in peace.

The eager young fan in question? Poor Orlando Bloom.

Not since George Osborne was facing down a pricey divorce have we seen a man throw himself into the world of work like Prince Harry. The boy seems to be snapping up any job that isn’t nailed down at the minute, announcing two fancy new positions in as many days.

One of the gigs Harry’s taken on is at a Silicon Valley start-up, where his official title will be “Chief Impact Officer” – or, as they’re known in the tech-bro biz, a “chimpo”.

Let’s hope the impact isn’t too international. “Chimpo” is a Japanese word for “cock”.

Many of you enjoyed last week’s story about Piers Morgan’s car getting tipped over at a charity race in the early 90s. However, while most people would be happy to take the credit for upending Piers, we heard from a member of Madness who says it didn’t quite happen as described.

Although Madness were listed on the official race card, the car was actually manned by a combination of Lee from Madness and some members of the band The Farm (whose biggest hit, All Together Now, was produced by Suggs).

The Farm are from Liverpool. Piers Morgan’s car was sponsored by his employee at the time, The Sun. The race took place in early ’92, a few weeks out from the three year anniversary of Hillsborough. The rest of the dots probably don’t need joining.

But don’t get the impression that Madness are somehow above these sorts of childish pranks. The Nutty Boys got into a mysterious beef with Calvin Harris at Camp Bestival a few years back, which resulted in a couple of them waiting for Calvin to use one of the backstage portaloos, then jamming the door shut and toppling it over while he was inside.

While BuzzFeed CEO Jonah Peretti does seem to be especially dreadful at handling redundancies (to add to last week’s stories: he once sent an email around BuzzFeed staff announcing that everyone’s jobs were at risk and many people were facing the sack – with a subject line he’d thoughtfully illustrated with a heart emoji) he is by no means the only one. Dead tree media can be just as callous.

Last week, Reach PLC (which publishes the Mirror, the Express and 200+ local papers) announced they’d be closing the bulk of their newsrooms and offices around the country, leaving most of their journalists to work from home.

A few minutes later, they sent out the following invitation to staff:

“Francesca Specter: How to Be Alone. Friday 19th March, 1pm. Join us for a Q&A with the author, podcaster, journalist and founder of Alonement – a concept that means celebrating and valuing time spent alone.”

Next week, from Monday, we’re going to try hosting a short series of mini-quizzes on current app du jour, Clubhouse. Join us and our much-missed host Tom Webb to play a quick afternoon game with us – as we test out how it works.

If you want to play, email us at quiz@popbitch.com and we’ll send some more helpful details nearer the time.

In the meantime, a brand new Popbitch Popquiz (the Jade Edition) is out now, featuring eight new rounds of pop culture trivia, puzzles, gossip, music and more. Reckon you can spot the worst named DJs in the world? Or name the songs behind the internet’s biggest memes? Or guess a celebrity from their deeply unofficial cross-stitch pattern?

Get everything you need to host your own version of the Popbitch Popquiz in these downloadable packs…

[Play-At-Home Popbitch Popquizzes]

Otters On Ice
[Watch on Twitter]

A tiny dick shaped island
[See on Google Maps]

Midsommar meets Bake Off
[See the trailer]

Want Megadeth’s old banjo?
[Just £12,749.15]

Barrymore sings Backstreet
[Watch on Twitter]

The Reddit/Wall Street investors who spiked GameStop last month have now turned their attention to adopting gorillas…
[Reporting by Jorge Fitz-Gibbon]

Splash paparazzi agency is filing for bankruptcy
[Read on Hollywood Reporter]

The curious family saga of Armie Hammer
[Read on Vanity Fair]

Still Bored?
Missing the pub?
[soundsofthepub.com]