Britain’s Big Fanny Lift

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“NME You lot are a bunch of real life fucking pussyholes. Proper dickheads” – Stormzy

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* Radio Ex: Bye bye, banterlads!

* Meg Mathews: Vaginal rejuvenator

* Charts: Ed Sheeran still No. 1

>> Purple rainwater <<

Lather, Prince, repeat

Even from beyond the grave, Prince continues to delight us with tales of his weird behaviour.
Apparently when he was staying at the Four Seasons, alongside all the usual rock star stuff (like booking out whole floors for band members and security) Prince’s people also made one very unique request.
They insisted that Prince be allowed to bring in his own bathwater.

RIP (finally) George Michael. His funeral is imminent: today or Saturday, we’re advised.

>> Creative bankruptcy <<

What you won’t see on TV

Katie Price has got herself a brand new TV series. The show is called Katie Price: My Crazy Life and promises viewers “an insight into her personal and professional worlds”.
But unless it shows her failing to pay hundreds of thousands of pounds’ worth of legal bills it isn’t going to be painting a wholly accurate picture of her crazy life right now.

Lincoln Asda puts the recent 700% spike in tin foil sales down to a replica FA Cup craze. (There’s no heroin problem, oh no…)

>> Big Questions <<

What people are asking?

A number of high-ranking staff at MailOnline have been off on health and stress related leave of recent – but which of them is looking for a slightly more permanent remedy? They’ve gone and quietly set themselves up with a new LinkedIn account.

Cheltenham Gold Cup Friday, 330pm. Despite an almost total lack of success so far, we’re sticking our neck out: Native River to win. Sign up with William Hill and bet 10GBP. If we’re wrong, at least they give you 30GBP in free bets.

http://bit.ly/2ndlMnA

>> X employees <<

Bye bye, banterlads!

Looks like things are moving fast at Radio X. After we told you last week that two of their star DJs were up for the chop, both Ricky Wilson and Vernon Kay have announced that they’re leaving.
Someone else is scarpering too. Chris Moyles’ producer, Dave Masterman, is leaving Global altogether to join rival station Absolute Radio. Apparently he’s going to be working on programmes with Dave Berry, Jason Manford and Christian O’Connell – variety being the spice of life, and all.
He’ll want to make sure he does a particularly good job with O’Connell though. He’s infamous in the industry for dumping his producers if he ever gets bad RAJAR results.

2017 marks the 30th anniversary of the invention of the suitcase-on-wheels by an airline pilot.

>> Case by case <<

A nice pair of flats

Our old mate Chris Hutcheson was up in the magistrate’s court this week. The case of his alleged hacking of Gordon Ramsay’s computers is going to be heard at the Old Bailey in April.
We first bumped heads with Hutcheson when he took a superinjunction out against us. He was keeping an entire second family secret from his wife and kids, but it really shouldn’t have come as that much of a surprise. He had plenty of form when it came to juggling two addresses.
Off the back of overseeing Gordon Ramsay’s restaurant empire, Hutcheson was able to buy two neighbouring flats in a posh Mayfair street. He initially wanted to knock the two flats through into one, but failed to get planning permission for it.
Instead of giving up on it, he settled on a compromise. He took out part of the adjoining wall, installed a revolving book case in the hole and created a secret passage to move seamlessly between the two flats.

Spotted at Shoreditch House this weekend: Seumas Milne. (Rumours that he was only drinking red wine are yet to be confirmed.)

>> Menopause for thought <<

Britain needs a fanny lift

What with the prospect of an extreme Brexit, Scotland wanting another referendum and now stirrings from Sinn Fein about the reunification of Ireland, the era of Cool Britannia is starting to feel like a very distant memory.
What we really need is someone from the heady days of the 90s to return and remind us of the UK’s former greatness. So you can imagine our delight when we received the news this week that Meg Mathews is primed to make a comeback.
Meg is returning as the face of a vaginal rejuvenation company. In her official capacity as a “Celebrity Menopause Campaigner” she promises to offer us “a frank and honest look” into “pelvic floor tightening”.

Celebrity perfumes are so yesterday. The new brandwagon for the TOWIE/Geordie Shore types to jump on? Their own branded protein drinks.

>> Running the numbers <<

Dexys dream neighbours

As Kevin Rowland of Dexys Midnight Runners prepares to move out of his Clerkenwell flat, let’s enjoy a little celebration of his time as a nice and generous neighbour.
Last December, Kevin was out and about when he bumped into his neighbours’ kids in the car park. He wished them a Merry Christmas, then stuck his hand in his pocket to pull out thirty quid, which he gave them – apologising that he didn’t have anything more.
Got nice celeb neighbours? Sing their praises: [email protected]

Agyness Deyn needs to brush up on her stage combat. Filming a fight scene, she ended up accidentally smacking Jim Sturgess full in the face, almost breaking his nose.

>> Million dollar drop <<

Sweet dreams my LA exit

Considering it seems to have been set up mainly to better market Nathan Sykes, Global’s LA-based 360 Management company probably cost more than was wise. It only lasted around a year before fizzling out – and with a three year lease of the floors under Soho House LA that had to be shelved, the cost of this ill-fated business was put this week by an insider at around $100 million.
Good job Tabor Snr’s other big business investment, BetVictor, has had a good Cheltenham…

Nominative Determinism Of The Week: Dubai’s leading florist for hotels and events? Terrence Bramble!

>> Chart attack <<

Don’t cross the streams

Ever since Ed Sheeran broke the singles chart last week, taking up nine spots on the top ten with his album tracks, there’s been a million hot takes on the effect Spotify playlists are having on chart placings.
While it makes sense to have a chart that reflects modern listening habits, it is strange that neither YouTube/Vevo plays nor regular radio airplay are included in these calculations.
Maybe someone should ask the Chairman of the UK’s Official Chart Company what he reckons about it all? If you’re looking for him, you might find him in the Spotify offices. Where his day job is head of Spotify’s international label relations.

Dullest ever album chart? Current top five in Australia: three Ed Sheeran albums and two Adele.

>> Flight risk <<

Wheely bad exclusive

You may have noticed a rather unexclusive exclusive in the papers this week. The Mail, the Metro and the Express all claimed to be the first to break the story that Adele has been hiding in a flight case on each night of her tour and getting wheeled from one stage to another inside the venue to pull off part of the show’s staging.
The technical impossibility of three papers running the same ‘exclusive’ aside, that was a story we printed in Popbitch way back in February 2015.

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Q: Which character is transformed into a donkey? By Monday 10am – email [email protected]

>> Hmmms <<

Lego, rhino, pants

A supercut of Gordon Ramsay saying “Wow” whenever he’s presented with a dish:

http://bit.ly/2mtaF6p
Unofficial Lego sellotape:

http://bit.ly/2mtaHv3
Local story of the week:

http://bit.ly/2naw2wQ
3D animal pants:

http://bit.ly/2msPGjr
A journalist asked all 158 members of Dail Eireann if they like Beyonce. Fucking brilliant work:

http://bit.ly/2mxWYmJ
Man tickles a rhino:

https://youtu.be/olIZcIPu4-g
Watch out humanity. Humpback whales are getting woke:

http://bit.ly/2mwc6Ad
Paul Dacre apparently asked at a Daily Mail editorial meeting what an ATM did. New book alert:

http://bit.ly/2nvM2aj

Thanks to: cerealrapist, SA, CT, PB, monstris, AM, L, SW, DN, EW, E, rogermycock, NS, SG, deep_stoat

Old Jokes Home:

A horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got.”
“Why?” asks the barman. “What have you got?”
“About two quid and a carrot.”
Still Bored?

Elk or ringwraith?

https://youtu.be/vmlN5W6CWs8

Fancy Another?