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“It’s all about the fish and chips, the banter and going on shows like Soccer AM” – Craig David
POPBITCH _ _ _ _
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|_| |_|06.10.17 ISSUE 804
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* DJing in Dubai with Dane Bowers
* David Cameron’s new co-writer
* Charts: James Arthur is no 1
>> Fun in the Sun <<
Hit it and squit it
The place to be last weekend was Camber Sands Holiday Park, scene of the Sun’s executive bonding outing – where Rebekah Brooks insists on taking News UK’s top bods on a holiday side by side with Sun readers on one of those tenner-for-a-week holidays they advertise.
In keeping with the Sun’s campaign to take Britain back to the past, they brought in a guest chef: 1980s TVAM presenter and failed UKIP candidate… Rustie Lee!
It wasn’t all fun and games though, as next day there was a mass outbreak of Norovirus – with roughly 20 of the Sun’s staff hit by a nasty bout of food poisoning.
Editor Tony Gallagher’s attack didn’t hit until 48 hours later when he turned up at the Tory party conference in Birmingham. He got the runs just as he joined Boris Johnson for an early morning jog.
To add to the horror, the weekend also had the fancy dress theme “Rule Britannia”. Rebekah Brooks (whose idea it was) dressed as Mary Poppins.
>> Letters of the law <<
Under lock and Keys
Richard Keys’ wife was quick off the mark to clarify the story that got out in the Sunday papers last weekend about ol’ Dicky boy having it off with one of his daughter’s 27 year-old friends.
Behind the scenes, newspapers were quick to drop the story too as Richard decided to have our good friends at Carter-Ruck send out one of their famous mailshots on his behalf, informing editors that the inaccuracies in the story were highly distressing to their client.
Which is strange. We had always been under the impression that Richard enjoyed being smeared.
The punishment for adultery in Qatar is 100 lashes.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which ex-soap star is bragging to people that he was once targeted by the Fake Sheikh but wasn’t naive enough to get turned over? We’re not sure what Mazher was trying to do him for, but we have it on good authority that the actor is an obsessive masturbator, who can’t make it through the day without at least three rub’n’tugs.
David Guetta’s cover of Would I Lie To You may be the worst thing that’s ever happened to Charles and Eddie, including Charles dying of cancer.
>> Factor-y settings <<
Finding the value of X
The X Factor live shows start this weekend, and the prospect of spending the rest of 2016 watching high-budget karaoke every weekend is almost too much to bear. So, in an effort to maybe speed things up a bit, we attempted to figure out The X Factor formula once and for all.
We watched over 170 live show performances of winning acts and examined the music theory behind their choices to see if there are any shortcuts to X Factor success. And whaddya know? There are. A bunch.
In particular, there is one song that is statistically perfect for contestants to sing – but it’s a song that, in 12 years of the contest, not one single contestant has sung in the live shows.
Which song do you need to sing in order to win The X Factor? We’ll tell you…
Nicole, read this and you’ll bag yourself another winner: http://bit.ly/2duWcYi
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Why not put your money where our mouth is? Sign up with William Hill, bet 10GBP on X Factor and get a free 20GBP bet. Check it out here: http://bit.ly/2duWcYi
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>> The write stuff <<
The literary dream team
Six months ago, his days were filled meeting world leaders, heads of state and other such dignitaries. Now, if rumours coming out of his literary agency are to be believed, David Cameron is more likely to be spending his days with the Travelodge’s first writer-in-residence, Neil Sean.
Apparently, Neil has been suggested as someone who could help “add some fun” to Dave’s new book.
Rumours that Stevie Wonder is set to choose the cover photo and Max Clifford is lined up to do the PR are unconfirmed.
FYI: Dave and Neil first met when Neil was writing a book about the cats of Downing Street.
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Popbitch Quiz @ Smiths Of Smithfields Our October quiz is all sold out, but we have a few tables left for our November 9th quiz. Salacious trivia, filthy arts and crafts and music. GBP5 per person, max teams of six. Book your tickets and table here: http://bit.ly/2dUSCpS
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>> Cock tales <<
Bigmouth strikes again
Chef Jason Atherton was over in Dubai recently doing some press for his restaurant of the moment, Marina Social.
At the Esquire party sponsored by Chivas Regal he got himself in a little bit of trouble by telling people he didn’t like the cocktails because he thinks Chivas “tastes funny”.
Someone from the magazine had to come over to discreetly ask him if he could perhaps be a little quieter, and remind him that sponsors don’t pay for these parties to get their brands slagged off.
Dane Bowers has got himself a new gig playing records in a pub in Dubai. A nice pub, we’re told. With a great food. But, still. A pub.
>> Trew romance <<
Clicktivist reality
TOWIE, Geordie Shore and Made In Chelsea have all been very successful, but it seems that watching people drink, bitch and shag is now old hat.
Instead, producers are looking to try a brand new structured reality series which taps into the zeitgeist and follows a very different kind of cast:
Activists.
To quote the casting call, they’re looking for “London-based 20 something year olds” who are “trying to persuade society, big business and governments all around the world to change.”
Potential stars “might use social media”, “run protest campaigns” or “build up big communities of like-minded
people to whip up attention around the issues that matter to them.”
Such a shame Russell Brand shitcanned The Trews when he did. He’d have been a shoo-in for a six-part series.
Celebs Jeremy Corbyn follows on Twitter: Lily Allen, Rizzle Kicks, M.I.A, Omid Djalili, Johnny Vegas, Peter Kay, Adele and Boy George.
>> Greaseballs <<
Shit film lovers rejoice!
It’s not often that we find a film we feel compelled to share with you, but there’s something opening in cinemas tomorrow you might want to know about.
(And do bear in mind that the last film we chose to recommend like this was The Human Centipede)
The Greasy Strangler is a new comedy horror movie, which has a classic John Waters vibe, but is absolutely disgusting. We sent our shit-flick expert along to watch it, and he loved it. He reckons you might too.
Diane James lasted 18 days as the leader of UKIP, which is roughly the gestation period of a budgie.
>> Knock, knock <<
…Yahoo’s there?
“We’ve worked hard over the years to earn our users’ trust and we fight hard to preserve it.”
So said Marissa Mayer, the CEO of Yahoo, on the front page of the Yahoo Transparency Report – a quote printed in large type.
That’ll be the same Marissa Mayer who is reported to have over-ridden her fellow Yahoo execs and authorised the tapping of incoming customer emails for the NSA and FBI then, will it?
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Sex toy retailer Lovehoney is giving away a free Tease Bondage Kit worth 30GBP with any purchase of one of
its luxury vibrators: http://bit.ly/2dHo9dq
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>> Hmmms <<
Bears, bars, Busted
Danny Dyer’s Real Football Factories in <90 seconds:
http://bit.ly/2dHlBMF
Media Masters – former BBC boss Mark Thompson gives the inside scoop on crises past and present.
Listen: http://bit.ly/2d3sfeQ
New Busted single is brilliant (if a little ripped off from MGMT’s Electric Feel):
http://bit.ly/2dNkYyk
Man called John Thomas sent photos of his penis:
http://bit.ly/2dUVN0Z
Only Azerbaijan and Armenia have fewer women judges than UK courts:
http://bit.ly/2dUVGyH
The latest issue of Popbitch Magazine is available for smartphones and tablets:
http://bit.ly/2dVe1zl
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Thanks to: TM, SG, JB, KA, KM posh_duckhunter, SK, GA, GM, IA, monstris, LM, J, BD, meow
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Old Jokes Home:
Q/ What’s pink and smells of ginger?
A/ Fred Astaire’s finger.
Still Bored?
Oregon Zoo’s new polar bear cub playing in a paddling pool of ice:
http://bit.ly/2dvgeQd
