Tony Visconti is performing David Bowie’s The Man Who Sold The World, Shepherd’s Bush Empire 30 June with Woody Woodmansey, Glenn Gregory and Marc Almond. Win a limited edition (1/1,000) heavy vinyl of The Man Who Sold The World. Email the name of the last Bowie album Visconti produced
to [email protected]
“Conspiracy theories are how idiots get to feel like intellectuals” – David Baddiel
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|_| |_|14.05.15 ISSUE 738
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* The return of So Solid Crew?
* Prince Harry’s dirty laundry
* Charts: LunchMoney Lewis is No 1
>> Daddy Cool <<
Offices of the rich & famous
Simon Cowell let cameras into his West London mansion a couple of years back, showing off his beautiful white sofas, scented candles and Steinway piano. But someone who paid him a visit recently says that while Cowell was as charming as ever (and that the catering was fabulous) fatherhood has brought about a change of decor.
Cowell’s home office is now absolutely covered in shirtless pictures of him posing with baby Eric.
David Cameron has his own make up artist who is with him all the time – not just during the election.
>> Bump and grinder <<
More electile dysfunction
As the media storm surrounding Nigel Farage rages on, it looks increasingly like we might have been giving a grossly distorted portrayal of the man.
For years we’ve been assured his penis displays “choad-like qualities”. Now, in the messy aftermath of the election, someone who has first-hand knowledge of it says that it actually more accurately resembles a pepper grinder.
We are happy to set the record straight.
Someone on Twitter was telling us that Jeremy Paxman’s is “like a bull’s heart on a tub of Pringles.”
>> Big Question <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Which American singer looks like she might be back on the gak? If she goes down this time, we’re yelling timber.
Parlez-vous election? Taking an extra day off work to have a handy long weekend shall henceforth be known as “pulling a Farage”.
>> Levi’s peens <<
Undercover with Harry
Prince Harry says he wants to hang out with “normal” people but he seems to go out of his way to avoid them.
Not only does he frequent Soho gym Third Space at mid-morning (when it’s at its quietest) but he also wears a baseball cap to disguise himself, and declines to use the public changing rooms.
He’s obviously keen that fellow gym-goers don’t send us a report back from the urinals – but sadly for Harry there are enough eagle-eyed observers around the freeweights who have already spotted the Prince’s awful secret…
He wears Levi’s underwear.
That correlation between Guardian readers and prosecco lovers? In the Guardian, Charlotte Church answered charges of champagne socialism: “I’m more of a prosecco girl myself.”
>> Minecrafty devil <<
Shane’s secret vice
Shane Meadows was drinking in the Star And Garter in Soho last week. At one point he left his friends to nip out to take a phone call, but ended up staying outside for ages after hanging up, tapping away on his phone.
Was he making notes after an important call? Sending an urgent follow-up email?
No. He was playing Minecraft.
Finland has a special stamp to celebrate Down’s Syndrome punk rock heroes PKN’s Eurovision entry. (Vote them in the final, Europe, please!)
>> Romeo re-done <<
21 seconds to do(nate)
So Solid Crew are back! Or at least they were. Briefly. They were crowdfunding for a new album, posting this message on Pledge Music:
“The overwhelming public demand for a new So Solid album over the past few years has been increasing dramatically. After tough consideration, Mega, the founder of So Solid has decided to put together the old producers in order to recreate the signature sound of the double platinum selling “They Don’t Know” album.”
Sadly, before we could get our credit card out, a follow-up message appeared on the site: “Project was closed before goal was reached”. The last time we saw it, pledges stood at about 1% of their goal.
Tristram Hunt a Milky Bar kid? We don’t think so. The MBK in the 80s was called Wayne King. The ad agency rechristened him David.
>> Doctor cock-tour <<
The many wangs of Who
It’s well known that Billie Piper used to call her co-star David Tennant “David Ten-inch”. We’ve written in issues gone by that Matt Smith is allegedly hung like a horse. The words that Tom Baker muttered into the ear of a student he seduced is the stuff of Popbitch legend. And now we can cross two other Doctors off the list.
* Jon Pertwee, we’re told, has a “long, slinky cock.”
* Pat Troughton had “big balls, stumpy penis.”
Jimmy Nail, spotted eating at the Wembley IKEA canteen with his wife. They didn’t actually shop in IKEA, they just went in for the grub.
>> Baleing out <<
Joined up reporting
The Telegraph continues to burnish its reputation as a custodian of fine journalism. One of their football writers wrote a piece on the recent criticism of Gareth Bale.
“It has been exaggerated, taken out of context and used as evidence that a bid from an English club this summer is more likely to be successful despite Bale’s desire to stay and the determination of the president, Florentino Perez, to keep him.”
The next paragraph?
The link “11 Reasons Why Gareth Bale Could Join Man Utd”.
Ira Glass (of This American Life) spotted in New York’s Chinatown belting out Bruce Springsteen’s Thunder Road at a karaoke bar.
>> Durr-berry <<
Brainfades in fashion
At the recent worldwide annual meeting for Burberry, the CEO and chief designer Christopher Bailey chastised the sales team for not having earned the respect of retailers.
He then went on to demonstrate exactly how much respect he personally has for retailers by trying to recount an incident with “What’s his name… Tom?”, the “What does he do? He’s a bigwig or something” at “Er… is it Nordstrom?”
Verona is a new Tinder-style app for Israelis and Palestinians to date each other. Yeah. Because not having the right app is the big problem…
>> Reverse Midas <<
Slightly tarnished balls
Is David Beckham losing his golden touch? First, his big role fronting Haig Club whisky was roundly ridiculed (a man famous for his teetotal career suddenly endorsing expensive booze?). Now he’s the face of Sands Casinos in Macau – just in time for a Chinese crackdown on the gangster/VIP betting markets which has caused Macau casino revenues to tumble 49% year-on-year last month.
The billionaire boss of Sands (Sheldon Adelson) is used to backing hopeless causes. He’s said to have spent $92m funding unsuccessful candidates in the 2012 US elections. But for old Goldenballs, lending his star quality to such floaters can’t have been what he wanted from his post-playing career.
Especially as his way back into football – that much-touted MLS franchise in Miami – is still a long way off.
Great fact in Record of the Day: In the 1970s Hot Chocolate had a hit single every year. The other two acts to do it? Diana Ross and Elvis.
>> Hmmms <<
Blue, wombs, Fox
A guided tour of the Space Station’s bogs:
Duncan from Blue’s dead grandparents are chuffed with the election result:
LunchMoney Lewis is number one with what is surely one of the singles of the year:
Popbitch Eurovision guide is out next week, but for now, Eurovision Deepthroat is reporting from Vienna on Twitter – @popbitch and here:
Thanks: GW, PD, TittyBiscuits, SG, john_lewis_partnership, rotd, ME, deep_stoat, CM, F, P, twattybanjo, harper_lake, flobbit, monstris, posh_duckhunter, pauline, P, nephewliam, L
Old Jokes Home:
Surprise at the first Tory cabinet meeting that there’s three empty seats. Turns out David Cameron has sacked Grant Shapps…