“…But I’m Lisa Scott-Lee?”

“I have to really watch what I put in my mouth” – Britney Spears

Bradley Cooper is catching flak for his choices in representing Leonard Bernstein, but Carey Mulligan will have had the time of her life playing Bernstein’s wife.

Mulligan has always had a real thing for matrimony and the wife life. One former flame of hers remembers that, even on their very first date, she would ask them over and over what their plans for marriage were and was forever posing the question “Am I marriage material?”

(She was 19 at the time.)

Edward Enninful’s final September issue of Vogue is out today. The September Issue is always the most important of the year, and Edward is leaving the editorship just as he entered it: relentlessly milking it for every nepo opportunity he can.

This month’s cover star is Coleen Rooney. And who has been trusted to take the photos for this vital issue? Alec Maxwell. a.k.a. Edward Enninful’s husband.

Which celebrity Twitch user was dabbling with a different type of streaming this week – offering one of the fans who called in to their show £500 to drink their piss?

Back when Michael Parkinson was working in Australia, there was a point where Elton John was out on tour over there too. Ever the lavish host, Elton invited Parky and his wife to join him out on a yacht for a little party he was throwing.

Unfortunately, Parky and Mary arrived to the jetty a little too late – just in time to catch the HMS Elton sailing off towards the horizon. A couple of obliging water cops recognised Parky however, so offered the couple a quick ride out to the vessel.

A few minutes later, they were aboard. But far from being happy to see them, Parky was greeted by a furious Elton. It turned out that the rest of the party had mistaken Parky’s lift for a police bust, so had lobbed all their gear overboard. Thousands of dollars’ worth of narcotics were lost to the deep, ruining the party for everyone – so the Parkinsons were pariahs for the rest of the night.

Harrison Ford has been griping a bit this week about how the only species that scientists ever name after him are terrifying critters (snakes, spiders, etc). He’s should count himself lucky though, as there are much worse reasons to get a species named after you.

* Baicalellia daftpunka – a flatworm with a bellend reminiscent of the robot helmets Daft Punk wore.

* Ptomapahginus isabellarossellini – a beetle with an extraordinarily deep vagina.

* Scaptia beyonceae – a fly with a golden furry arse.

Spotted partying in Brighton’s Legends bar after headlining the city’s Pride concert: Lisa Scott-Lee.

At the bar, she tried to order a drink from an area that wasn’t in service. When a bartender told her she’d need to move round to the other bit to get served, she replied “…but I’m Lisa Scott-Lee?”

The singer looked baffled when the young staff member didn’t recognise her and was forced to queue with the masses for her prosecco.

England rugby captain Owen Farrell found himself banned this week for a horrible head-high tackle. But then, to everyone’s mystification, the England RFC lawyers somehow managed to get him off completely.

It has echoes of the situation in 1998 when Alan Shearer was charged by the FA for kicking Neil Lennon in the head in the middle of a Newcastle match. Again, all charges were miraculously dropped. Someone at the FA claimed that this was because Shearer had refused to play for England until he was cleared. Shearer always denied this claim, but those who have worked with him are sceptical. He did have a reputation for withdrawing his services when things weren’t going his way.

That same year, in 98, the England team had sponsorship responsibilities to appear in an advert for Ariel. Shearer refused to be one of the players filmed for it because he found out he wasn’t the first one asked. He felt, as captain, he should have been the first call. And even when the sponsorship rep begged him to take part, saying she might lose her job if he didn’t, he just said “Nope, not doing it” and walked off.

Further to last week’s fact about Anne-Marie getting her fans to bring their dogs to her gigs…

Frank Turner writes:
“For many years I’ve had a clause in my tour technical rider: the ‘tour dog’ clause. It says if anyone on the house crew has a dog, they can bring it down during the day. We have dog-sized tour laminates the dogs get when they show up.”

With TalkTV looking to relaunch a bit in September, they’ve been having a hell of a time trying to find someone to take over the breakfast show.

We hear that Piers Morgan, Jeremy Kyle and Julia Hartley-Brewer have all declined the offer to do early mornings (/share the screen with a co-host). Tom Newton Dunn is still nowhere to be seen – so who is left to take this most prestigious of slots?

The only names in the hat at the minute are David Bull and Nicola Thorp.

AI Hank Williams sings Straight Outta Compton
[Listen on YouTube]

The untold story of Gwyneth Paltrow’s body double in Shallow Hal
[Read on The Waiting Room]

Headline Of The Week: “Raccoon With Jar Stuck On Head Helped By Ohio Police”
[See on BBC]

TIRED: Stashing bongo mags in bushes
WIRED: Stashing sex dolls in ditches
[Read on Stamford Mercury]

The Joy Of Headbanging
[Photos on VICE]

The Somerset Gimp latest
[Banned from writhing]

WipeOut for your browser
[Play it here]

Still Bored?
Will you ever forgive Vardy? “I’m a forgive and forget person, I can’t be bothered with things going on and on. But this is obviously totally different.”
[Coleen Rooney talks Wagatha]