Eamonn’s Drivetime Cheesecake

This Monday, the Sun very kindly gave its front cover over to Simon Cowell to offer his unconvincing explanation for why he’s cut Little Mix and long-time management collaborators, Modest Management, out of his business.

For some reason, Cowell’s favourite PR conduit, Dan Wootton, didn’t push him too hard on why he now considers them to be “toxic” influences (happily mentioned in the same breath as Philip Green) but it really doesn’t make any sense that he would bin off the biggest act still left on his label – especially after enduring such a bruising stretch in which he lost most of One Direction and most of Fifth Harmony to rivals.

So what on earth could have caused him to act so rashly? Good old-fashioned pride.

Modest Management recently signed up the Spice Girls to manage their reunion, a headline-grabbing stunt that’s been orchestrated by Cowell’s big nemesis, Simon Fuller. Cowell is still so seething at Fuller after their big American Idol/X Factor fall-out that, rather than share Modest with him, he went ballistic and cratered his own relationship there.

How is Noel Edmonds going to cope in the jungle? We have no idea. Noel has clearly given some thought as to how he’ll survive when resources get scarce though, as he’s had a 20,000 gallon tank of oil fitted at his home in anticipation of the world’s supply running dry (he tells people he’ll have “two years of clear motoring ahead of him” when it happens).

But we’re more interested in what will happen to his late-night campfire patter when the hunger, stress and delirium all set in. Noel believes that ‘orbs’ of pure energy are visible in photographs but that it’s all being covered up by the church – and that’s on a full stomach and plenty of rest. So what he’ll end up saying when he’s only had half a kangaroo dick and a gobful of swamp water is anyone’s guess.

Which celebrity is getting his fetish gear sent to his local coffee shop so that his wife won’t be left alone in the house with his packages?

Back when he was starring in Doctor Who, John Barrowman’s favourite chat-up line on Gaydar was “I got a hungry ass and it needs feeding.”

Needless to say, it rarely went hungry for long. Which is good news for his fellow I’m A Celebrity campmates. If rations ever start getting scant, they can always send his ass in to do a Bushtucker Trial.

John Lewis’s Elton John/Christmas advert slipped out this morning, only to find itself quickly eclipsed by the giant Brexit clusterfuck. It’s a shame that it hasn’t made more of a splash though, because anything that brings attention to Elton John and gift-giving is good by us.

Elton has a signature gift that he gets for his closest celeb friends: a diamond “Cunt” necklace.

Among those to receive the gift (a group he calls “Diamond Cunts”) are Janet Street-Porter and Ozzy Osbourne.

Earlier this year, when she was giving evidence to Parliament about online trolling, Katie Price – along with her mum and a couple of her kids – was given a special tour of the Palace of Westminster.

As part of the tour, their guide managed to sneak them into the Robing Room, the room that is reserved for the Queen to change into her ceremonial robes when she is in attendance, as well as pointing out the special bathroom that Her Majesty uses.

Katie’s mum and kids were very respectful and reverent throughout – but Katie was less so, screeching at the guide “COME ON THEN, LET’S SEE IF THERE ARE ANY SKIDMARKS!”

The cause of the Holden/Schofield beef we told you about last week was revealed at the weekend. It seems Phil was the one who nixed Amanda’s chances at filling in for Holly while she is away doing I’m A Celebrity by pouring poison in the ears of the producers about her.

We should have guessed, as it’s not the first time he’s done it. Schofe is particularly fastidious about the people he’ll allow to cover for him or take regular slots on the show. If anyone looks like they’re starting to get too comfortable on set, he’ll start complaining to management.

Neil Fox writes:
“Hello Popbitch. Having read and used your publication many times over the years I know how much you pride yourself on accuracy (!) but did want to correct a story that you ran about me last week.

“It stated that I used to ride around on my motorcycle wearing a leather jacket, on the back of which I was boasting “If you can read this the wife’s fallen off”. Anyway, the facts are inaccurate I’m afraid and the truth does give a very different interpretation and ‘feel’ to your story. It was a T-Shirt and not a leather jacket. It actually said “If you can read this then Vicky has fallen off”.

“And it was not written by me but was given to me by my colleagues at Capital Radio as a wedding gift. It was never worn on my bike apart from a ‘thank you’ picture I believe, and is still in a drawer at home. A thoughtful memento from a great bunch of people I worked with.

“I’m sure you don’t object to me pointing this out?”

Eamonn Holmes is extremely partial to the cheesecake from a bakery near his work and brings one in to the TalkRadio studio most days to keep his energy up while broadcasting three hours of rigorous chat.

However, as shows are routinely videoed for broadcast on the internet and TalkRadio doesn’t play any songs, there aren’t actually that many opportunities for him to take a sneaky bite. So Eamonn has to wait for the ad breaks, where he will wolf down as many mouthfuls as he can before his mic goes live again.

Cheryl Cole-Fernandez-Tweedy’s comeback single made a lot of headlines this week and she’s been all over the TV promoting it – but, despite a promising Top 10 place in the midweeks, it’s been slipping ever since and doesn’t look like it will do much more than graze the Top 20 in the charts tomorrow.

The single isn’t even in the Top 200 streamed songs on Spotify and is no longer setting iTunes alight. What’s saving it from catastrophe is that the video has done surprisingly massive numbers on YouTube (about 50% of her total streams have come from there, where YouTube usually only accounts for about 20% of most charting singles).

The view in the music industry? People have been obsessively playing the video to stare at her new cheeks and lips.

Photos of dogs catching treats
[Browse on CNN]

Fiendishly tricky game about Andrew Neil’s hair
[Play now!]

Even if you’re bored of reading about Trump, this is great
[Read on Deadspin]

Don’t forget you can still get 50% off food at Old Compton Brasserie, Soho. All day Sun-Thu and lunch on Fri – until the end of November.
[Quote Popbitch when booking here]

A song made up of the cast of Star Trek saying “Some kind of…”
[Watch on YouTube]

Otter news of the week
[See on RTE]

Interesting piece on the internal “Hollywood v Silicon Valley” fight at Netflix
[Read on WSJ]

Winterville starts tonight, with Street Feast, Massaoke, Mel C’s Mixtape, Backyard Cinema and more
[Visit on Clapham Common]

We’ve just added a load more old issues of Popbitch to our archive
[Browse the Popbitch archive]

Still Bored?
The Lord Nelson pub, Southwark has unveiled a new retro-mural of Noel Edmonds. Renaming itself the Lord Noelson, it’s launching a new menu for Noelvember. Go and try the Dill Or No Dill Burger or Late Late Breakfast Burger until 3rd Dec.
[Book at Lord Noelson]