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Brilliant Club Wembley seats available to Popbitch readers for The Killers on 22 June (GBP 65) and Robbie Williams (GBP 99) on 29/30 June. Hospitality packages also available for One Direction (GBP 220). Watch and enjoy in comfort! Call 020 8795 9646 for tickets or follow this link to register your interest: http://bit.ly/15MEkcQ
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“I played Tom Robinson’s song ‘Glad To Be Gay’ four times in a row. Afterwards, my mother turned and said to me, ‘Are you trying to tell me something, dear?'” – Rev Richard Coles
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|_| |_| 06.06.13 ISSUE 645
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* Wayne Rooney’s new modeling career
* Inflatable Lionel Richie
* Charts: Robin Thicke is number one
>> N-Dumped <<
Hard times for Team Tulisa
A bad week for Tulisa; a worse week for Tulisa’s team. Her lawyer Jonathan Coad (one of our more frequent pen-pals) will no doubt be in knots, such is his fierce dedication to his clients. But it looks like her PR, Simon Jones, has suffered most.
Simon’s been busy telling people not to worry about her axing from X Factor as she had a massive telly project coming up.
A shame, then, that the project he was so excited about seems to have been the made-up bait used by the Fake Sheikh to coax her drug boasts out of her.
FYI: Coca-Cola are probably going to be regretting this one…
http://bit.ly/110N9vL
There’s going to be another Keith Lemon movie. Fingers crossed a solar flare engulfs us before production starts.
>> Big Questions <<
What apes are asking this week
The DNA results for tests done on Snowflake the albino gorilla (the one from Barcelona zoo, famously on Basement Jaxx’s Rooty cover) have come back. Scientists now believe his albinism was because of inbreeding and that his mum and dad were niece and uncle.
So does that mean Snowflake’s mother was also his cousin? And would that make him his own cousin, once-removed? Or his own second cousin?
Virgin Atlantic have a rather strict email filter in place. You can’t say the words ‘fuck’ or ‘shit’ in an email to Virgin. You can, however, say ‘titwank’.
>> Party talk <<
The news from the loos
News from the Trussardi party at Venice Biennale: Jefferson Hack emerging from a toilet after Jay Jopling banged on the door shouting “Come on Jefferson, are you doing a poo?”
Drink of the summer: Amy Winehouse’s Memorial Emergency Sangria. It’s red wine mixed with Lucozade.
>> Spud muffin <<
Rooney’s career is in tatties
It really has all gone wrong for Wayne Rooney at Manchester United. Not only dropped for the last games of the season, have a look at what they’ve done to him in this ad campaign. Wayne’s face can be seen in posters all around Malaysia. Advertising a popular crisp brand.
So it’s Wayne Rooney. And the words “Mister Potato”.
http://bit.ly/11GNZwz
Apprentice tips: Natalie and Francesca have apparently started new companies recently (with no LordSirAlan listed as director) so they probably haven’t won.
>> Jumping the shark <<
Damien’s down on his luck
The price of Damien Hirst’s art has been dropping quite steeply in recent years – something the media have taken great glee in reporting. Then when he parted ways with the Gagosian galleries, journalists couldn’t stop speculating as to who might have dropped whom.
But now that Hirst has laid off nearly 200 artists and technicians from his firm Science in the last three months the media seems to be rather silent on this matter.
Because they think it’s tasteless to gloat? Or have people finally lost interest in Damien Hirst?
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Head to Ladies Night at Royal Windsor Racecourse on Monday 17th June to sip Pimms and pose on their immaculate lawns PLUS Jahmene Douglas live after racing. Snap up the Bubbles & Berries package for just 20GBP! http://bit.ly/1b7POZ0
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>> No mistake <<
Brit gangster film of the summer
Film and DVD reviewers this week got an invite to watch low budget Brit film, Mistaken. The trailer really is quite something.
http://bit.ly/11mTMZj
As was their covering email, in which they told us that they “made this on the back of absolutely no film or script writing experience.”
Other highlights include:
* “It has taken well over 3 years of almost non stop work to make it look as good as it does”
* “When people looked at us initially trying to promote our film they thought we were a joke”
We can’t help but admire people who spend three years making their dream happen – no matter how it turns out – so catch the premiere and afterparty at Wandsworth Cineworld, 20th July and give it a go:
http://bit.ly/12ukbec
Nominative Determinism at the office: Mastercard’s Global HQ is in Purchase, NY.
>> Good Craig, bad Craig <<
More tales of Daniel’s duality
GOOD:
“In 1996 I was at the Wembley Ikea cafe. Daniel Craig let us sit at his table because the cafe was crowded. He was very friendly.”
BAD:
“He used to pitch up at my mate’s underground club nights in Hackney in the late 90s. I recall him chatting to one of the club’s dealers and subsequently trying to cop off with said chap’s girlfriend, which struck us as rather rude…”
Billy Zane likes to sign autographs with a reference to his Zoolander cameo – “You’re a cool dude, Billy Zane”.
>> Kickstart again <<
What the internet was made for
We love Kickstarter – so we were a bit worried that Zach Braff and Shoshanna from Girls were going to ruin it for everyone. Thankfully, the silly, stupid spirit of the internet has prevailed.
Currently looking for funding? Someone who wants to make a giant inflatable Lionel Richie head to pitch up at Bestival.
Steven Seagal could be the new face of the Russian weapons industry. Deputy PM Dmitry Rogozin said Seagal is being considered to promote the Degtarev arms plant.
>> Popbooks <<
What the stars are reading
Tulisa and Ed Miliband went to the same school. We take a look at their bookshelves. Surprisingly, only one of them has a copy of Katie Price’s Angel:
http://bit.ly/11110Cn
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WIN tickets to the Southbank Centre.
* Reggie Watts – amazing vocalist/ beatboxer/musician/comedian/improviser
http://bit.ly/11hg51p
* Peruvian-American rapper, Immortal Technique, in biggest UK headline show:
http://bit.ly/11EejY2
To enter send name and number to competitions@akauk.com with “Southbank” in the subject.
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>> Hmmms <<
Meetings, dogs, lemon parties
The Meat Is On – Ribstock is back! (but there may not be many tickets left…)
http://ribstock2013.eventbrite.co.uk/
The greatest nominative determinism ever? Sadly, it’s a typo. His name is Matthew Price:
http://bit.ly/13n4Ngc
“Bristol man told police he was trying to light a fart, not film up woman’s skirt:
http://bit.ly/11GzQ2h
When life gives you lemons, have a lemon party:
http://bit.ly/11mHsrU
Last week we featured a sublime 30 minute mix of Indian cover versions. Now Radio 2 are getting in on the act. If you missed it listen here. It’s the perfect summer sound:
http://bit.ly/149ZWg5
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Thanks to: SH, thebestnameshavegone, onebadmouse, mount_st_nobody, NW, SG, vagablonde, MR, LV, mark the biker and everyone who sent in different versions of the kestrel joke.
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Old Jokes Home:
I was the getaway driver for that big job at the paper factory last week.
We took the A4.