“I love immigrants so much, I married one” – Tony Parsons
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|_| |_|23.06.16 ISSUE 791 – LEAVE EDITION
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* The Westminster wangs in charge
* Further adventures in clickbait
* Charts: Drake still no 1
>> Especially for EU <<
We’re pulling it out now
Once again, Britain has gone to vote as a divided nation. The polls and pundits are all over the place, and no-one has any real clue where we’re going to end up.
As such, we’re sending out two different editions of Popbitch this week: one for the Brexiteers, and another for Bremainers.
This Leave issue will help prepare you for the sorts of stories you can expect to hear more of in the event of a Brexit. The Remain issue? Well, you know what to expect there.
And undecideds? We suggest you read both. They’re made up of different stories – and who knows? Maybe it will give you the perspective you need to decide?
“Schlimmbesserung” is a German word to describe an effort to make things better that actually ends up making things worse.
>> Jean Claude Van Dump <<
The world’s No.2 action star
As we’re talking about bloated Belgian institutions that are filled to the gills with shit: did we ever tell you about what happened when Jean Claude Van Damme shot those adverts for Coors lager?
Maybe he had one too many beers while filming (or too much of something else – who nose?) but poor JC suffered a little accident mid-shoot – and shat himself rather majestically while they were working.
Ever the pro, he soldiered on – but as the ad was shot on location, he had to have a fresh pair of pants airlifted halfway up a mountain to him.
Sea Life Manchester has pimped out its octopus, Otto, as an animal psychic. Otto’s predicted Remain. (But he did also predict England would lose to Russia/beat Slovakia.)
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
Some of the talent that appeared in Brexit: The Movie are now complaining that they’ve only been paid half the fee agreed before filming – so they’ve started spreading the word that which of the men involved with the film has a really tiny penis?
The average size bet on Leave at Ladbrokes – £72. (It’s £376 for a Remain vote). Leave is currently 3-1 but for the up to date barometer, follow @LadPolitics.
>> Sun damage <<
Further adventures in clickbait
The Sun has been hiring huge numbers of the Mail Online’s team to help beef up its web presence so they can have a go at trying to recreate that infamous Sidebar of Shame style. It’s not been an altogether successful move.
This week they ran the piece ‘You Won’t Believe What Shannen Doherty Looks Like Now!’ which had the quote: “Gone is her smooth porcelain complexion and shiny dark hair and in their place are a tired-looking face and unbrushed mane.”
Shannen has breast cancer. The “unbrushed mane” is a hair piece. She was doing a fan convention Q&A because she says she can’t get much work now due to the physical effects of her treatment.
The post has since been taken down.
Vote Leave’s infamous battle bus was taken out of service yesterday, to become Will Young’s Glasto bus. His biggest hit? Leave Right Now.
>> Choad in the poll <<
A lil’ bump and grinder
There have been accusations from both sides of the EU debate that the media has been giving a deliberately
distorted portrayal of the facts involved.
We are arguably as guilty of this as anyone, for we have repeatedly drawn your attention to a story about Nigel Farage’s penis. We heard from a journalist who caught a glimpse of it at a urinal and described it as possessing “choad-like qualities”.
However, we have since heard from a woman who has first-hand experience of the penis in question, and we’re told that it actually more closely resembles a pepper grinder.
We apologise unreservedly to anyone who feels misled by our previous reports.
According to someone who caught a sneak peek in a gym changing room, Iain Duncan Smith’s wang is not just “huge”, but “freakishly huge”.
>> Gove machine <<
Putting the EU in EURGH
One of the most visible people in this referendum has been Michael Gove – and you can tell his beliefs are sincere, because Michael has a habit of being very vocal when his passions are stirred.
Someone who had the pleasure of knowing Gove before he met his wife, says that Michael was extremely gobby in bed – not only narrating everything he was doing, but describing everything that he planned to do too…
Popbitch Job Search: Former officer & security professional; ex-head of diplomatic protection, well versed in looking after rock ‘n’ roll and media. Knows all the current hotspots and seeks something interesting and rewarding. Email [email protected] for CV or more info
>> Marr-malade <<
Not so big in Japan
As part of an interview about Britain’s future in the EU on Andrew Marr’s show a few months back, Boris Johnson got himself tied up in a rather weird debate with Marr about the difficulties involved in trading marmalade with Italy – talking, seemingly sincerely, about pip quotas and poison and the like.
If Andrew Marr had wanted to talk to an MP about the many difficulties of the marmalade trade, he should have booked Jeremy Hunt. One of Hunt’s early business ventures was a company which tried to export marmalade to Japan. It flopped.
Then again, given how many broadcasters always seem to ‘accidentally’ swear when interviewing Hunt, maybe his producers didn’t trust Marr not to mess up the phrase “thick cut”?
Media Masters Podcast. Former Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, talks about a life in media and THAT porn film purchase. Listen: http://ow.ly/se8a301vssF
>> Hmmmms <<
Boulton, bolting, voting
* A naked statue of Maggie Thatcher is going to on display in Hastings – so go get yourself an eyeful!
* Looks like FedEx has a new service – international otter delivery.