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“What people in Nebraska are feeling I can subconsciously feel even though I am thousands of miles away” – Britney Spears |
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Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com
* Sadiq’s secret Swiftie beaver
* Lessons for greased up baboons
* PLUS: Noel Edmonds’ own Q&A |
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>> Easy rider << |
Playing his cards right |
Throughout the 80s, 90s and 00s, it became a badge of honour among musicians to ask for the most outrageous things they could on their gig riders.
There’s been those who ask for private toilet seats (Madonna), litters of white kittens (Mariah Carey), 12ft boa constrictors (Mötley Crüe), Bob Hope impersonators (Iggy Pop) and life-size cardboard cut-outs of David Hasselhoff (David Hasselhoff).
But things look to be changing with this latest generation. One of the big demands on Stormzy’s rider? A copy of the Monopoly Deal card game. |
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One of the best rider legends: After her break-up with Bieber, Selena Gomez insisted that no-one working on any of her crews be called Justin. Any Justins already employed had to find another name for the duration of the job. |
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>> Ink-consequential << |
How to menage your time |
Robbie Williams’ upcoming Netflix documentary is promising a never-before-seen, intimate look at Robbie’s life. If the access really is as good as they’re claiming, we’re hoping to see one of our favourite auxiliary Robbie characters get some screen time: Otis Frissell – Robbie’s on-tour tattooist.
Robbie met Otis in New Zealand and asked him to join his entourage so he could get fresh ink whenever the inspiration struck him. It ended up being a pretty cushy gig for Otis because inspiration never did. Robbie took Otis halfway around the world for the best part of a year, fully salaried, and never once actually settled on a tattoo.
Part of the reason was because Robbie’s free time was mostly taken up by multiple daily massages. The first of the day was usually legit, but the one that took place between soundcheck and showtime always took place behind closed doors, and tended to involve two or more therapists working on him at once.
This was part of the day the rest of Rob’s entourage came to refer to as “Feeding Time”. |
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Best detail from Caitlin Moran’s Robbie profile at the weekend? The last person to interview Robbie before her was Dan Wootton – who broke Robbie’s sofa during their time together. |
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>> Big Questions << |
Who’s asking what this week? |
Which member of His Majesty’s Most Loyal Opposition is getting through about three bottles of wine a night these days? (About as good a way as any to prepare for taking power in the current climate…) |
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A legendary part of Christmas in London, Charles Court Opera’s boutique pantos are irresistible and unmissable. This year they’re joining forces with Jermyn Street Theatre to turn Homer’s epic tale on its head in a bonkers new take on one of the oldest adventures. Prepare yourself for a boatload of riotous humour – with apologies to Homer!
[Odyssey: Nov 23rd-Dec 31st] |
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>> Q & Eh? << |
Interviewing Edmonds |
You’ll be pleased to know that moving to New Zealand has done nothing whatsoever to mellow Noel Edmonds. He’s still as Partridge as ever.
He’s currently causing commotion in the South Island, butting heads with locals and scrapping with local councils and trusts over the land he’s been buying up for his new project: the River Haven Estate.
When a couple of New Zealand journalists asked to chat with him about the whole thing, he arrived to the interview wearing cargo shorts and two mismatched shoes. Then, in the middle of the interview, stopped to say: “Do you know what your next line should be? ‘You’re 75 in December, how do you look so good?'” |
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Noel Edmonds has his own pub on his New Zealand estate called the Bugger Inn where he serves his own speciality drinks: Tits Up Lager and Dickens Cider. |
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>> Monkey business << |
Baboon v bulldog |
It’s been a bumper few weeks for celebrity memoirs confirming some old Popbitch favourites. Sly Stone’s new autobiography recounts the unfortunate story of his pet baboon, which we first mentioned back in Issue 52 (Dec 2000).
Back in the 70s, in a blur of PCP and cocaine, Sly somehow came into possession of a baboon he called Erfy, which had a rather tempestuous relationship with his other pet, a Pitbull called Gun.
As Sly tells it, Erfy the baboon would constantly tease Gun until Gun was ready to snap – then jump out of the way to safety before Gun could fight back. Except for one time, when Gun caught Erfy’s foot in his jaw – and then proceeded to kill the poor baboon. Then hump it.
What Sly leaves out in his official telling is that – according a bandmate who witnessed the tragic event – Sly had greased his fence to stop the baboon from being able to escape so easily to teach it a lesson. Though, in fairness to Sly, that probably wasn’t the lesson he had in mind. |
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Is Sadiq Khan a secret Swiftie? One of the beavers he recently helped release into an Ealing nature reserve he named Taylor Swift. |
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>> Perry busy << |
With Friends like these |
One of the clips that’s been doing the rounds in light of Matthew Perry’s death this week is the infamous one from Newsnight where he went head-to-head with Peter Hitchens on the topic of addiction.
For what it’s worth, the rest of that day was much more positive for Perry. Before that, he’d spoken at a Policy Exchange event about how magistrate selection can change outcomes in drug related cases. Events like that rarely do much in the way of box office business, but the room was fully packed for that one (with an audience demographic of about 90:10 women to men).
Perry almost missed it though as he got waylaid at the Ministry Of Justice. He was only supposed to be paying a flying visit there, but – by some incredible coincidence – every young advisor, staffer and minister working in Westminster had somehow managed to invent reasons to arrange meetings at the MOJ at the exact same time. All wanting to catch a quick minute with Chandler. And many managing. |
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Boy Parts at Soho Theatre. Stage adaptation of Eliza Clark’s debut novel. Irina takes erotic photos of average looking men; these boys are putty in her hands, just the way she likes it. A pitch-black psychological thriller about the erotic gaze.
[Until Sat 25 Nov at Soho Theatre] |
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>> Numberwang << |
Still flummoxed by figures |
Last Friday, ex-chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng stopped in at a pub in a London train station for some pre-departure refreshment. Dressed in full Tory wardrobe (barbour jacket, bound leather notebook, a phone live-streaming GB News) he caused a minor scene at the bar when the barman asked him what his table number was.
Kwasi didn’t know – but did he quietly nip over to check which table he was sat at? No, sir. Instead he loudly berated the poor bartender for not already knowing where he was sat. |
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Congratulations to the latest appointment to the Missouri Supreme Court… Judge Ginger Gooch! |
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>> Hackwatch << |
Keeping tabs on Auntie |
Even in the face of deadly conflict, horrific violence and humanitarian suffering, it’s heartening to see the British media refusing to ignore the truly important work that needs to be done.
Like the Daily Mail, for instance, which recently assigned three journalists to work on a special project: keeping tabs on BBC expenses out in Israel.
They’ve even been calling up hotels these last few weeks to try to track down copies of BBC employees’ bar tabs in the hopes of being able to run a story about just how profligate the Beeb is being with licence fee money as it covers the situation in Gaza. |
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Captain Sir Tom Gold-Plated Pin Poppies are being sold at a 75% discount this year. |
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>> Foreclosing << |
No more skin in the game |
Bittersweet news coming out of the foreskin restoration world. Long-time Popbitch readers (or How To With John Wilson viewers) might recall Ron Low, the creator of the TLC Tugger: a non-surgical stretching device that helps circumcised men regrow their foreskins.
The sad news is that Ron emailed us this week to say he’s retiring next month and will start winding down production of his willy-stretching contraptions.
The good news? He’s moving into podcasting. |
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Accessorise accordingly this winter with our curated collection of cosy cashmere hats, soft scarves and more. Made from 100% Grade A Mongolian Cashmere. Guaranteed to keep you warm all winter. With free delivery and free 30-day returns.
[Shop now at Rise & Fall] |
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Thanks to: NT, SK, triflemonster, earl_of_essex, CB, SN, JW, DH, bobbifleckman, leadbone, theabominablehoman, JB, RD, OD, EIB |
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Old Jokes Home
Tonight I chained up a werewolf, clobbered a zombie and pelted a vampire with garlic until he ran away.
My wife went apeshit. Apparently I was only supposed to give them some sweets.
Still Bored?
A clever, funny and imaginative story about power and the British Establishment. It includes a flea, a horse, a rat, Queen Victoria, and God.
[Go see The Flea at the Yard Theatre] |
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