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Flickbait

 

Want to see how your new healthy lifestyle is working out? Thriva finger prick blood tests show you what’s happening inside your body, from heart and liver health, to sleep and energy levels. Take the test at home and get GP-analysed results within days. The code POP2020 gets you an exclusive 50% off your first test too for January only!
[Order your Thriva kit online]
“I can’t wait to wake up in the morning and be me” – Brian Blessed
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* Gwynnie’s fanny candles!
* Kanye’s conga line!
* PLUS: Memories of Schofe!
>> Well done <<
A rare occasion to celebrate
 

2020 is set to be a landmark year for many reasons, not least because it will mark the 5th anniversary of the time Jeremy Clarkson got fired for punching a producer over a botched dinner order.

If you haven’t made plans to celebrate already, the hotel at which it happened is going to be hosting a special commemorative steak night on March 4th.

Best get your orders in early. It’ll be absolute carnage if anyone leaves it too late.

[Book in now!]

Celebrity Narcoleptics, pt.264: John Landis has been known to fall asleep in meetings within a sentence of someone else talking.
>> Back to business <<
He’s still got it…
 

We know what you’re thinking. Between the massive rap sheet of sexual assault charges and the rickety old zimmer frame he’s been pretending to us, Harvey Weinstein must be struggling to drum up a date these days.

Not a bit of it. Why just this week Harv was spotted walking out of a Chinese restaurant in Manhattan with a mystery young lovely in tow. He opted to leave the zimmer frame at home though, plumping instead for a more streamlined set of crutches.

According to someone with hand-witness testimony, Jason Derulo’s knob is “like one of those cans with three tennis balls in”.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Which new MP has been quick to get into the swing of things in Westminster, by striking up an affair with a party member less than a month after getting their seat?

The best-kept secret in the slimming business? That it’s possible to lose weight easily without worrying about food, without willpower and without horrible cravings. Now you can try the clinically-proven, medically-endorsed Slimpod programme FREE for 10 days with this no-obligation trial.
[Find out more here]
>> Flickbait <<
Flocking to Gwynnie’s fanny
 

Meghan and Harry’s celebrity friends have provided a great deal of support for them in their hour of need. Elton John has been a rock, as expected – but the real unsung hero? Gwyneth Paltrow.

Her decision to release a scented candle that smells of her vagina has been just the distraction the Sussexes’ needed. Despite the press’s best efforts at making ‘Megxit’ a thing, pumping out wall-to-wall Royal coverage, the story that’s been far and away the most read on The Guardian this week?

Gwynnie’s fanny candles.

Further news on Chris Martin’s hockey career: he played while at university at King’s College London. He was “accomplished” and went by the team nickname “Pooksy”.
>> Praise Yeezus <<
Gospel according to Kanye
 

Ever since news of Kanye West’s personal Sunday Services hit the headlines last year, invitations to attend have been LA’s hottest tickets.

One of Kanye’s musical collaborators was taken to one by surprise recently, whisked straight from LAX to the Burbank Studio that Yeezy hosts them in without any real explanation as to why. It must have been deeply weird to turn up there to find everyone dressed in pale grey robes (Kim and Khloe Kardashian included) while Kanye led dozens of gospel singers in song for literally hours on end.

And weirder still when Kanye broke off to lead a soul music conga line around the room.

Jennifer Lawrence has had to drop the price of her Manhattan penthouse again because it just isn’t selling.
[Yours for $12 million, ONO]
>> Hot mic <<
Louise’s pick-up technique
 

If you’ve been in showbusiness for almost 30 years, being wired up to a microphone is probably second nature to you. Still, it might be worth us quickly reminding some of our celebrity readers that the sound crew can hear what you’re saying over them, even if you’re not within earshot.

So unless you’re happy for everyone to know your opinions on, say, bum sex – it’s maybe better to save those sorts of conversations for somewhere more private.

(FYI: Louise Redknapp? Not a fan, apparently.)

January. No-one’s favourite month. Broke and cold. Great. Make yourself feel better with a whopping saving of £253 with just 2 minutes on a website. Over 200,000 people have signed up to energy autoswitching service Look After My Bills which finds you great energy deals and switches you, handling everything.
[Do it now]
>> Noelson’s column <<
Memories of Edmonds
 

Fans of 90s family entertainment (and/or spooky abandoned fairgrounds) will know all about Noel Edmonds’ cursed attempt at trying to create a real-life Crinkley Bottom theme park. Sadly, it ended up being demolished a few years ago after vandals kept breaking into Mr Blobby’s house and spraying things like “MR BLOBBY TOUCHED ME HERE!” on the walls.

There is still one big piece of Noel’s House Party memorabilia fouling up the British landscape though. It’s at Noel’s old pad near Okehampton in Devon. He hasn’t lived there for years, but when he moved out he left a little something behind in his memory.

A massive 15ft golden Gotcha statue he had erected, that’s still standing proudly on the grounds.

Nominative Determinism of the Week: The Head of Brand & Communications at Man City’s newest sponsor Midea is called… Brando Brandstaeter!
>> The crying game <<
Sticking the boot into Schofe
 

JMac writes:
“In 1993 when ‘Pip’ Schofield was touring the nation with Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Duvet, myself and two friends went to the stage door after a performance at the Edinburgh Playhouse to have our programmes signed.

“We greeted Mr Schofield and told him how wonderful he was, etc. Our friend Fiona (a stunner even at 16 – her age at the time) asked our Joseph to sign ‘Dear Fiona…’ and he retorted with ‘I only sign my name, I have other fans to see’.

“A fair point – had there been anyone else but the three of us waiting for him. He scarpered after Fiona burst into tears.”

The co-founder of Monzo has quit to farm alpacas.
>> Moldova and over <<
Sasha’s back at it again
 

Every year, without fail, Moldovan rock star Sasha Bognibov tries to represent his country at Eurovision. Yet every year, for some strange reason, he never quite makes it.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact his previous attempts have been songs like “I Love The Girls Of 13 Years Old”, “Do You Like My Sexy Lips?” and “Fuck Me Once”.

Looks like he’s finally decided to meet the Moldovan selection panel halfway though, as this year’s song is simply titled “Big Brother”.

[If you fancy a listen…]

Something new for your Kindle for January? Ben Stone is 601 lbs, diabetic and terrified of leaving his home and his dog. He’s scared because he needs his leg amputating and he’s about to be crane lifted out of his fourth floor flat. He needn’t be worried though because the world is about to end. If you’re a fan of Gaiman, Palahniuk and Weir have a look.
[Order Before and After]
>> Hmmms <<
Pies, parachutes, Phil Mitchell
 

Freak your pet out by getting a wearable replica mask of their head
[Creepy as hell]

 

A special dildo created in aid of Australian bushfire relief
[NSFW, but for a good cause]

 

Celebrity faces blended together by a deep neural network
[Pleasingly disturbing]

 

XFM’s Jon Holmes has a haunting new satire show on Radio 4
[Listen to The Skewer]

 

Local News of the Week: Mitchell Brother Knees edition
[See on DevonLive]

 

McDonalds in Japan are now offering “Adult Cream Pies”
[Lost in translation]

 

Interesting study on how charity parachute jumps costs the NHS ~14x more than they raise
[See here]

 

Alex Zane, Dylan Jones and Simon Yates talk about mental resilience before Touching The Void on Mon 20th Jan
[Tickets £20 in aid of Samaritans]

 

Inspector Gadget on the organ
[Hear on YouTube]

 

Join us for the next Popbitch Popquiz on Tuesday 28th January at Smiths of Smithfield
[More information here]

Thanks to: TW, JC, deep_stoat, A, GC, SK, dollymixture, bobbi_fleckmann, RJ, whatever_yeah?, What_Would_Jesus_Do?, DJ, PD, ulysses, E, MC, GC, RW

We switched email servers this week. If you can read this, it means you’re unaffected – but if you hear of any friends/family/colleagues who are having trouble receiving the mailout tell them to email us: things@popbitch.com

Old Jokes Home
Q/ How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A/ Five. One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.

 

Still Bored?
This week’s Media Masters podcast is an interview with advertising legend Trevor Beattie – a titan in the industry who was the brains behind such iconic campaigns as “Hello Boys” for Wonderbra and FCUK for French Connection.
[Listen/Download on Media Masters]

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