Flickbait

2020 is set to be a landmark year for many reasons, not least because it will mark the 5th anniversary of the time Jeremy Clarkson got fired for punching a producer over a botched dinner order.

If you haven’t made plans to celebrate already, the hotel at which it happened is going to be hosting a special commemorative steak night on March 4th.

Best get your orders in early. It’ll be absolute carnage if anyone leaves it too late.

[Book in now!]

We know what you’re thinking. Between the massive rap sheet of sexual assault charges and the rickety old zimmer frame he’s been pretending to us, Harvey Weinstein must be struggling to drum up a date these days.

Not a bit of it. Why just this week Harv was spotted walking out of a Chinese restaurant in Manhattan with a mystery young lovely in tow. He opted to leave the zimmer frame at home though, plumping instead for a more streamlined set of crutches.

Which new MP has been quick to get into the swing of things in Westminster, by striking up an affair with a party member less than a month after getting their seat?

Meghan and Harry’s celebrity friends have provided a great deal of support for them in their hour of need. Elton John has been a rock, as expected – but the real unsung hero? Gwyneth Paltrow.

Her decision to release a scented candle that smells of her vagina has been just the distraction the Sussexes’ needed. Despite the press’s best efforts at making ‘Megxit’ a thing, pumping out wall-to-wall Royal coverage, the story that’s been far and away the most read on The Guardian this week?

Gwynnie’s fanny candles.

Ever since news of Kanye West’s personal Sunday Services hit the headlines last year, invitations to attend have been LA’s hottest tickets.

One of Kanye’s musical collaborators was taken to one by surprise recently, whisked straight from LAX to the Burbank Studio that Yeezy hosts them in without any real explanation as to why. It must have been deeply weird to turn up there to find everyone dressed in pale grey robes (Kim and Khloe Kardashian included) while Kanye led dozens of gospel singers in song for literally hours on end.

And weirder still when Kanye broke off to lead a soul music conga line around the room.

If you’ve been in showbusiness for almost 30 years, being wired up to a microphone is probably second nature to you. Still, it might be worth us quickly reminding some of our celebrity readers that the sound crew can hear what you’re saying over them, even if you’re not within earshot.

So unless you’re happy for everyone to know your opinions on, say, bum sex – it’s maybe better to save those sorts of conversations for somewhere more private.

(FYI: Louise Redknapp? Not a fan, apparently.)

Fans of 90s family entertainment (and/or spooky abandoned fairgrounds) will know all about Noel Edmonds’ cursed attempt at trying to create a real-life Crinkley Bottom theme park. Sadly, it ended up being demolished a few years ago after vandals kept breaking into Mr Blobby’s house and spraying things like “MR BLOBBY TOUCHED ME HERE!” on the walls.

There is still one big piece of Noel’s House Party memorabilia fouling up the British landscape though. It’s at Noel’s old pad near Okehampton in Devon. He hasn’t lived there for years, but when he moved out he left a little something behind in his memory.

A massive 15ft golden Gotcha statue he had erected, that’s still standing proudly on the grounds.

JMac writes:
“In 1993 when ‘Pip’ Schofield was touring the nation with Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Duvet, myself and two friends went to the stage door after a performance at the Edinburgh Playhouse to have our programmes signed.

“We greeted Mr Schofield and told him how wonderful he was, etc. Our friend Fiona (a stunner even at 16 – her age at the time) asked our Joseph to sign ‘Dear Fiona…’ and he retorted with ‘I only sign my name, I have other fans to see’.

“A fair point – had there been anyone else but the three of us waiting for him. He scarpered after Fiona burst into tears.”

Every year, without fail, Moldovan rock star Sasha Bognibov tries to represent his country at Eurovision. Yet every year, for some strange reason, he never quite makes it.

Perhaps it has something to do with the fact his previous attempts have been songs like “I Love The Girls Of 13 Years Old”, “Do You Like My Sexy Lips?” and “Fuck Me Once”.

Looks like he’s finally decided to meet the Moldovan selection panel halfway though, as this year’s song is simply titled “Big Brother”.

[If you fancy a listen…]

Freak your pet out by getting a wearable replica mask of their head
[Creepy as hell]

A special dildo created in aid of Australian bushfire relief
[NSFW, but for a good cause]

Celebrity faces blended together by a deep neural network
[Pleasingly disturbing]

XFM’s Jon Holmes has a haunting new satire show on Radio 4
[Listen to The Skewer]

Local News of the Week: Mitchell Brother Knees edition
[See on DevonLive]

McDonalds in Japan are now offering “Adult Cream Pies”
[Lost in translation]

Interesting study on how charity parachute jumps costs the NHS ~14x more than they raise
[See here]

Alex Zane, Dylan Jones and Simon Yates talk about mental resilience before Touching The Void on Mon 20th Jan
[Tickets £20 in aid of Samaritans]

Inspector Gadget on the organ
[Hear on YouTube]

Join us for the next Popbitch Popquiz on Tuesday 28th January at Smiths of Smithfield
[More information here]

We switched email servers this week. If you can read this, it means you’re unaffected – but if you hear of any friends/family/colleagues who are having trouble receiving the mailout tell them to email us: things@popbitch.com

Still Bored?
This week’s Media Masters podcast is an interview with advertising legend Trevor Beattie – a titan in the industry who was the brains behind such iconic campaigns as “Hello Boys” for Wonderbra and FCUK for French Connection.
[Listen/Download on Media Masters]